Q: How many "Star Trek" crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, "I canna do it, Cap'n! I'm not a miracle worker!"; Spock to tell Kirk he is "proceeding illogically"; McCoy to say "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not an electrician!"; Kirk to screw it in; and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
Q: How many "baby boomers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten. Four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this; one to screw it in; one to videotape it; one to stick his Cotton Dockers butt in front of the camera; one to plan a marketing strategy; one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screw-ins in the '60s; and one to play classic rock.
Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Q. How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't. The Bible doesn't say anything about light bulbs.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done, while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then wonder why it's still so dark.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. And finally, Words of Wisdom for the day: "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Steven Wright Jokes ...
[We hope we don't get sued for reprinting them]
I once worked in a factory that makes fire hydrants. It was an OK job, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have a very large collection of sea shells. Maybe you've seen it ... I keep it scattered over the beaches all over the world.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
I named my dog "Stay." Now when I call him it's: "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because I know it will be up all night.
When I was seven, my parents moved to Texas. When I was nine, I found them.
I got a new apartment a while back. On the wall is this light switch that didn't turn anything on. Everyday, I came home and flicked it on and off. Six months later, I get a letter from a lady in Belgium that says, "Cut it out."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I like to pick up hitchhikers and say things like ... "Sooo, how far did you think you were going anyway?" and "Put your seat belt on. I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it."
When I was a child we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child ... eventually ...