home   blog   books   culture   education   family   life   Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 2 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family newsletter June 23, 1989 -- Vol. 1, No. 2 -- Since 1989 [Editor's Note: This may be the last issue.] NEWS Jeannie's dog, Chance, finally had her puppies. Ten of twelve survived, eight of which are female. And they're on sale this week! Jeannie was quoted as saying "Our prices are so low, it's INSANE!" SPORTS Dad and Eleanor were spotted at an A's game recently -- Dad taking batting practice, and Eleanor warming up in the bullpen. Eleanor has been asked to throw out the first pitch in this year's World Series. And they want Dad to sing the National Anthem. I think someone should tell them Dad only knows one song. WEATHER Variable, depending on where you are. MEDICAL This reporter has been undergoing chiropractic treatment at Diane's clinic, and the results have been favorable. Similar reports have come in from former patients, Doug and Jeannie. Good work, doctor! CHARITY Don and Diane are taking up a collection to "Save Michael Jackson's Nose." Anyone wishing to make a tax-deductible contribution can send a check or money order to "Michael's Nose", ??? ?????., Hayward, CA 94541. PUBLIC NOTICE Due to lack of interest in the masterpiece, "Prize Catch", the offer will only be good through June 22, 1994. BUSINESS Anyone hearing of an IBM-PC-related user support-type job should notify Bill at (415) x-x. Have computer, will travel. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Thousands of our readers were apparently upset that no mention of Greg or June was made in the previous issue. Well, due to our limited staff, this paper cannot cover southern California. However, if you are planning a vacation to SoCal, in between the Universal Studios Tour and Disneyland be sure and see the sights at Greg's house. Aileen will play the piano for you. And maybe, if you're lucky, Bryan and Andy will let you play on the swing. BIRTHDAYS John [For a complete rundown of all the birthdays of everyone ever born, plus their sock size, call Grandma.] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 3 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1 No. 3, July, 1989 [Editor's Note: Due to profanity, nudity, and the mature theme of this issue, parental discretion is advised.] Mike made the Cal State Stanislaus Dean's List for the '88-'89 school year! There was a BIG write-up on him in the Chronicle -- the Livingston Chronicle. Well, it wasn't really a BIG write-up, actually. In fact, it wasn't really a "write-up" at all. But, they did mention his name! At last month's Police Olympics in Oxnard, Lucy won a Silver Medal in the 30K run! So what if there were only two contestants. You ever try running thirty kilometers? When asked about Lucy's incredible feat, Mike said "It would have been a lot quicker in a car." Speaking of Lucy's car, it was recently demolished in a car chase/shoot-out. Lucy was unhurt, but the car suffered severe damage to the left blinker and front license plate. For details, call Lucy, collect. Steve has finished his novel based on his bicycle trip across the country. It's taken a lot of hard work and research, but it's finally done. Steve will be publishing it himself as soon as Don has finished formatting it in the computer for him. Be sure and reserve a copy for yourself! Coming soon to a bookstore near you! Dad, not to be outdone, is writing two (2) books about the Portuguese people. One of them is about Portuguese people in the Sacramento area; the other traces our own family heritage, on Dad's side, and answers that age-old question -- "The Holmes family: Where did they come from, and why are they here?" Don bought a new truck recently -- a 1986 Isuzu Pup with a matching camper shell -- which he and Diane immediately took out for a test drive across the Rocky Mountains and back. Don stated in an interview with The Newsletter, "It drives great." Diane added, "I like the way the camper shell color matches the truck." The Newsletter's roving explorer/photographer, Doug, known professionally as "Doug", called the paper recently from upstate New York, having just returned from an extensive canoe trip in the Adirondack Mountains with Dick Krueger. For those who don't know, Dick is an old friend of Dad's and somebody's godfather. Doug says everything is going great, and he's planning another trip in August that will take him over most of the northeast corner of the United States and into Canada. For those of you wishing to contribute news items, ideas and/or cash, please feel free to do so. Send your contributions to The Holmes Family Newsletter, 8x O_____ Avenue, Suite x, Hayward, CA 94x. I'm serious. Cash is optional. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 4 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 4, August 1, 1989 Largest Tri-Weekly Newsletter Circulation in the West! [tri-weekly (tri-week'lee) 1. we TRY to get it out weekly) [Editor's Note: This will probably be the last issue. See article below.] Newsletter Held For Ransom! The Newsletter's religious advisor, Oral Hershiser, received a message from God last night! He says that if The Newsletter does not receive thirty-seven million dollars ($37,000,000.00) within the next six weeks, the entire Newsletter staff will be "called home!" Whatever that means. Please send your checks, your money orders, your children's allowance! Can you spell "hallelujah"? Then you can spell your name on a blank check. Amen. Jeannie Sells First Puppy Jeannie sold her first puppy! Now she desperately needs your help thinking up names for the rest of her puppies-actually her dog Chance's puppies-before they're sold! The names have to begin with the letter "B" because this is the second litter, hence the letter "B," from Lucy's kennel, "Nightshadow", Lucy's fist kennel, hence the name, and she, Jeannie, has so far only come up with a few names, as follows: Born Leader (sold), Born to Run, Born Under a Wandering Star, Born Yesterday, Born a Poor Black Child, Bobbing for Apples, Backseat Boogie, Bag of Tricks, Beans & Rice, Box Office Boffo, Baba Lou and Bert. She needs twenty-seven more names. It's a big litter. Any suggestions? Send them to "What's My Name?", c/o Tiffany & Thomas, _____, Lathrop, CA 95330, FAX #: (209) ???-????. Doug Lost In Wilderness Doug was last seen somewhere in Massachusetts. The Newsletter's roving reporters, however, have found some clues that may lead to his capture. What they found looks like an itinerary. Here it is: Aug. 5th -- Montreal CANADA 6th -- Quebec 7th -- New Brunswick and Kouchibouguac Nat'l Park 8th -- Nova Scotia (Halifax) 9th -- Kejimkujik Nat'l Park 10-15 -- Canoe trip 16th -- Fredericton, New Brunswick and Fundy Nat'l Park 17th -- Maine USA and Acadia Nat'l Park 18th -- Acadia N.P. and Augusta, ME 19th -- White Mountains 20th -- Concord, NH and Green Mtns, VT to Lake George, NY 21st -- Back "home" at Dick Krueger's on Lake George. The Newsletter will be sending a reporter out to track down and capture "The Wild Man." Mike Sent Overseas Won't be long now before Lucy sends Mike off to Germany to fight in the BEER HALL WARS. Please buy BEER BONDS and help Mike in his fight. Newsletter Interview The Newsletter caught up with Steve recently and, for a substantial amount of cash, was allowed to ask him some hard-hitting questions. Here's how it went: Newsletter: You've written a book? Steve: All Across America. Newsletter: Sounds like a big book. Steve: That's the title, "All Across America" Newsletter: I see. Yes. That would make sense. How many pages will it be, exactly? Steve: 409, 417, 429, 443, or 3,228, depending on the size of the print. Newsletter: I hear it will have pictures. What I want to know is, will they be big enough so that I can color within the lines? I hate it when I go outside the lines. Steve: There will be some illustrations, but it's not a coloring book. Are you sure you're interviewing the right person? [Due to the intensity and emotion involved in the interview, a short recess was taken. Then, one by one, Steve and the interviewer returned to their seats and continued.] Newsletter: Steve ... May I call you "Steve?" Steve: Surely. Newsletter: You want me to call you "Shirley"? Steve: Are you always this thick? Newsletter: I've been gaining weight. Why? Steve: Never mind. Newsletter: "Steve". Is that spelt with a "ph" or a "v"? I hear you and Denise will be moving into a new home soon. True? [Steve nods] Can you tell our readers what, exactly, is the address? Steve: I'd rather not. Newsletter: Please? Steve: Well, okay. The address is ____, Sacramento. Can I go now? That's it for this week's interview! Until next time, this is your interviewer saying "Call me Larry!" Recipe Corner Don's Diet Julius Place 1/2 cup orange juice concentrate in blender Fill 2 cup container 1/2 full with ice cubes Add water to make 2 cups and pour into blender Add 1 tsp. vanilla extract Add 4 packets of Equal Sweetener (equiv. to 8 tsp. sugar) Blend on LOW speed until ice thoroughly crushed Unclassified Ads Religious advisor wanted. No experience necessary. Must enjoy out-of-body travel and work well with animals. Send resume and salary history to The Newsletter. Fence painter needs fences to paint. Any color, so long as it's white. (209) ---. Requiem For A Pigeon We witnessed a pigeon's demise Right here on the dock o' the Bay There was nothing we could do Nothing we could say It just wasn't the pigeon's day We tried mouth-to-beak And the Heimlich technique But the pigeon had croaked Did you know pigeons float? Well, this one sure did today! -Anonymous Birthdays Lucy Letters To The Editor Due to lack of space in this week's Newsletter and the fact that nobody gets more ink than is absolutely necessary, the following letters have been edited ... considerably: "Your newsletter #3 was good, as usual ... I'm hitting .333 (left-handed) ... keep up the good work!" -- Steve, School Teacher, Sacramento "Your newsletter has gotten totally out of hand! I think you should just shut up!" -- Rival Family Newsletter And now, a word from our sponsor ... This newsletter was put together using an IBM PC, Logitech Mouse, Xerox Ventura Publisher 1.1 and Word Perfect 4.2. The Holmes Family Newsletter Staff consists of: Larry the Interviewer, Anonymous the Poet, all our Roving Reporters, and Bill the Editor. With special thanks to Steve, for his letter to the editor, and Don for his recipe Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 5 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 5, September 5, 1989 Jeannie breaks elbow Placed on Disabled List Lathrop -- While attempting a "sling-shot" maneuver during a roller derby match last month with teammates Tiffany and Thomas, Jeannie went over the railing and broke her elbow. Jeannie stated, "You should see the other guy!" Tiffany and Thomas were uninjured. Lucy steals puppy Livingston -- Lucy has apparently stolen one of Jeannie's puppies! She gave it an alias -- Credence -- based on its kennel name Bad Moon Rising. (You rock 'n rollers will see the connection.) Jeannie was quoted as saying "Ooh, when I get my hands on that Lucy, I'll ... I'll ..." The rest of Jeannie's quote can be seen in the next issue. [Talk about your cliff-hangers!] Bad Moon Rising, by the way, was not one of the names authorized by the Newsletter. Jeannie had the nerve to come up with it herself! The Newsletter is filing suit against Jeannie and Nightshadow Kennels for breach of implied covenant of good faith and fair dealing. Lucy, picked out of a police line-up by Jeannie, has been arrested for grand theft puppy and is awaiting trial. Roving reporter returns from East Bill returned from his trip to eastern Canada a few weeks back. He was supposed to seek out and capture "Wild Man" Doug. Remember? Well, he's back. Bill, that is. However, when asked to report his findings, Bill only said, "What? You never said anything about finding anyone!" Well, there you have it. Another in-depth report from the Newsletter news team. Fortunately, the Newsletter, predicting such a "report", sent a private investigator out after Bill. And here is his report: DAY 1: Doug meets Bill at Burlington Airport. They greet each other brotherly-like, then leave airport together. It takes them 27 seconds to get from Gate 4 to the airport parking lot, the airport is that big. They spend the night in Doug's camper in a shopping center parking lot. DAY 2: They do a little shopping, then they head north. They cross the Canadian-American border (is there any other Canadian border?). Doug's camper is searched while Doug and Bill are held for questioning. The border guard has trouble believing Doug and Bill do what they do for a living, but finally lets them go with a warning. Doug kills bird on highway. He could have swerved, but no. He aimed for it! Then he stopped, turned around, and picked it up while Bill took pictures! The murderers drove to the city of Quebec that night and spent most of their time pretending to be innocent tourists. You know, buying shirts, flirting with girls, stuff like that. DAY 3: Doug attends the Changing of the Guard at Quebec's Citadel, while Bill spends his time wandering around the Citadel, apparently trying to find a way of getting in for free. He never does. Doug and Bill meet up again and spend the rest of the day looking through gift shops, taking pictures (well, Doug takes pictures, lots of pictures), etc. They head east toward New Brunswick and spend the night in the middle of nowhere. DAY 4: Doug wakes up feeling sick to his stomach, so Bill drives. They go to a national park called Kouchibouguac. Don't ask me to pronounce it. There's a beach at this park. Bill wades in a ways then wimps out. Too cold, he says. Meanwhile, Doug can be found wandering around the nearby swamps frog-gigging and taking pictures. Then they head east to Nova Scotia. DAY 5: Doug spends about an hour wandering through a cemetery in Halifax with a shovel and a camera! Bill runs away screaming. Found Bill walking around in a daze in an indoor mall. Eventually, they leave Halifax and drive to another national park with a weird name -- Kejimkujik. DAYS 6-8: Lost them when they take off in a canoe in the wilds of Kejimkujik. Kept an eye on their parked truck. It didn't do anything for three days. DAY 9: Found Bill hiking back to the truck without Doug. All he has is his outback hat, his brand-new boots and a canteen (and his clothes, of course). He looks thinner and unshaven, and his boots are dirty. He gets into truck and drives away. Meets Doug where he was waiting with the canoe and all the equipment. They leave Kejimkujik and drive to the western-most edge of Nova Scotia to a town called Digby. Doug drops Bill off and heads north, saying something about heading north to Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. Bill catches a ferryboat headed for Saint John, New Brunswick. I follow Bill. Bill gets off ferryboat at Saint John and catches a cab to a motel for the night. DAY 10: Bill spends most of next day wandering around Saint John, apparently waiting for bus to Bangor, Maine to arrive. Bus finally arrives at 3:46 p.m. Bill gets on. Bus leaves at 3:59 p.m. Bus arrives in Bangor, Maine at 8:34 p.m., local time. Bill was supposed to get off here, but he doesn't, obviously trying to lose me. He enters bus station and pays additional fare to take him to Boston. DAY 11: Bus arrives in Boston at 2:30 a.m., local time. Bill makes a couple phone calls. Finally, catches a cab to Logan Airport. Makes a couple more calls at the airport. Tries to sleep on couch in airport. Can't. At exactly 5:45 a.m., he takes his place in line at the ticket counter. Gets his ticket. Wanders around airport some more. Then he does something strange. He puts his bags in a locker and starts asking where the control tower is. (If he has a bomb, it's an awfully small one.) He follows the directions to the tower. But when he gets there, he can't get in. The doors are locked. It's too early in the morning. He picks his nose and flicks the booger. It just barely misses me. He walks back to Gate 34C, buys a paper, waits around, then at exactly 7:31 a.m. he boards United Flight 91 to Los Angeles. From Los Angeles, he catches a connecting flight to Oakland Airport. THE END. Bill moves again Bill moved again, prompting family and friends to say "So, what else is new?" His new address is unknown at this time. Diane graduating Hayward -- Yes, that's right, chiropractic fans, Diane will be graduating from chiropractic school in a couple weeks, and has already finished her "internship" at the clinic. When asked to comment on this momentous occasion, Diane, ever concerned, said, "How's your back?" Don was quoted as saying "Would you like some home-made bread?" [you had to be there] Jeannie goes to Disneyland Jeannie went to Disneyland recently. "I had such a good time," she said, "next time I'll bring the kids!" Actually, she did bring the kids, she just forgot. Tiffany was constantly being mistaken for Snow White. Anyone in need of seven dwarfs should call Jeannie. Aileen writes song Performs live Aileen has written a song all by herself, and performed for Jeannie and her kids when they visited! A recording contract is sure to come. Mike appointed Special Envoy Michael P. [redacted] of Livingston, California has appointed himself Special Envoy to West Germany. He has been spending most of his free time "envoying" with West German "diplomats." Steve and Denise move in Steve and Denise have moved into their new home. The new phone number is (916) x-x. And they are now officially accepting your housewarming gifts. However, for your convenience, gifts should be sent to Bill for safekeeping and appraisal. And, in a completely unrelated story, but since we were talking about Steve and Denise, I thought I'd mention it: School is starting back up Tuesday, September 5, and that means both Steve and Denise have to go back to work. THE RUN by Jeannie Brouns Running in the rain isn't the pain a non-runner might think it would be I put on my jacket that has a hood, lace up my shoes, and stretching is good I open the door, expecting more as the rain comes sprinkling down My course is not planned yet, I'll try not to get my shoes wet I start out running a ten-minute pace as I feel the rain caressing my face There's that big house that has a mean dog I don't see him yet He doesn't like to get wet That driver doesn't see me he's gotten me all wet I trip over my shoe lace, fall flat on my face My jacket's no good, I'm soaked from my feet to my hood I've lost the key, oh woe is me I can see my house now, I think I'll walk After all, I've already run 3/4 of a block I crawl through the window, get dry and warm It feels good to get out of the storm Well, another day has come, I'll check to see what kind of day it'll be I think it will rain, I don't see the sun But I don't mind Running in the rain is such fun [The following is the first installment of the serialized version of BAUB, a science fiction story.] BAUB by In the vast expanse of Llycete Spaceport's docking yard on this below-freezing winter morning, the Mraclys, a small ship badly in need of a paint job, stood apart from the other ships. It stood out mostly because it was so ugly. Green on the top, orange on the bottom, with brown patches everywhere, it looked a lot like a green & orange spotted heerbjablig, a rare and endangered species in the jungles of Llycete. The heerbjablig was endangered mostly because it was so ugly. People just shot it on reflex. The Mraclys often inspired the same response. The Mraclys's owner, a young entrepreneur/smuggler known only as "Baub", didn't care about any of that. He had more important things on his mind. The first thing he noticed after falling out of bed this morning was the gold embedded in the walls of the cargo hold of his ship. There must have been several millions worth! How or why it was put there, he didn't have a clue. When he first spotted it, he thought he was still dreaming. But no. In his dream he was falling out of a space ship, nothing but space all around, no cargo holds filled with gold. And in his dream he was wearing red army boots. He looked down at his feet and they were bare, just the way he had left them. So this had to be real. Right? He furrowed his brow and chewed a fingernail. But this accomplished nothing, so he crawled outside the ship to inspect the doors for signs of forced entry. His bad breath condensed in the chill morning air, and his bare feet were beginning to attach themselves to the frozen pavement below. He climbed back into the ship to see if he couldn't find some shoes, and maybe see if whoever put that gold in his ship was still lurking about -- maybe up front in the cockpit. But wait a minute! Hadn't he just spent the night in the ship, with the doors locked? Yes, he had. So, how could someone have gotten inside his ship and ... Suddenly he realized, the gold must have been particle-beamed into his ship during the night while he slept! How odd. But, just in case he was wrong about that particle-beam stuff, he decided he'd better check to make sure he really was alone in the ship. He made his way back from the entryway, through the main body of the ship, and then the short distance to the cockpit. The cockpit door was open, as always, since it never actually had a door, it was just a doorway. He stopped a few feet from the entrance. Except for the hidden corners on either side of the doorway, he had a clear view inside the cockpit. He threw the only thing he had on him, his left shoe, through the doorway into the cockpit to startle any prowlers, if there were any, into revealing their position. The shoe bounced off the instrument panel and fell to the floor. Aside from that, nothing happened. Baub then bolted into the cockpit, spun around, and went into a crouch with his hands out in front of him, ready for hand-to-hand combat, just like they taught him in driver/combat training. The cockpit was empty. So, he quickly snatched up the shoe, put in on, and went to the weapons locker. Opening it quickly, he pulled out a small hand blaster, checked its power supply and walked awkwardly, due to the one shoe, back toward the cargo holds for another look at the gold. Standing with his arms at his sides and his mouth wide open, Baub stared at the gold, dumbfounded. Then, suddenly inspired, he raised his blaster up, aimed in the general direction of the wall directly in front of him, and ... heard a noise from behind. Spinning around with the reflexes of an entrepreneur/smuggler, gripping his blast pistol with both hands, police-style, he aimed toward the noise. He lowered the pistol, and shook his head in disgust. It was Dak, Baub's best, and almost dead, friend, clambering up the entry ramp. Dak threw up his hands in surprise, then threw up, all over the ramp. "Don't ever do that again!" Baub hissed. "I'm sorry," Dak said. "It's just that you really surprised me. And I had a hangover anyway, and ..." Dak was looking down at the barf now covering his shoes and dripping off the edge of the entry ramp. "Not that!," Baub rolled his eyes. "Don't ever sneak up on me when I've got a blaster in my hand!" "Oh, that. I'll try and remember next time," Dak whimpered. Baub watched while Dak wiped off his shoes, then he invited him inside the Mraclys. "Come and see what someone left me," Baub whispered. [Stay tuned for the further adventures of Baub!] JOKE CORNER [If you know any, let me know.] BIRTHDAYS June Aileen Tiffany Grandma LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "I loved your last newsletter. Are you on drugs?" - Jeannie, Lathrop "Your [last] newsletter was kind of ... how do you say ... all over the place. Were you on drugs?" - Don, Hayward [Editor's Note: In light of these accusations, I feel compelled to say with all the conviction and belief in my heart (which isn't much, actually), with all the moral outrage appropriate (which is considerable) under these clouds of slanderous remarks upon my character and moral rectitude that I ... uh ... that I ... uh ... what was I saying? Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 6 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 6a, September 17, 1989 Everyone seems to be on a diet these days. Lucy and Jeannie are trying a low carbohydrate/high protein diet. Don's trying good old reliable starvation. Eleanor is on the NutriSystem plan. Bill is on a junk food diet. And Steve, of course, is always on a diet due to his lifelong weight problem. Therefore, the Newsletter is sponsoring a contest to see who can lose the most weight. (When we say "sponsor", we don't mean to imply there's any money involved.) The winner of the contest will receive a free copy of the next Newsletter! The loser has to stay on their diet. Bill got a job! A permanent job! Yes, someone actually hired him. It's a word processing job in a prestigious Sacramento law firm. "I expect to make partner soon," Bill said optimistically. After mooching off Dad and Eleanor for the past couple weeks, Bill has finally moved into his own apartment. "He was eating us out of house and home!" Dad complained. "I'm glad to see him go! I thought we got rid of him ten years ago!" "He's not even an A's fan!," added Eleanor. Bill's new address is 16_ H Street, #__, Sacramento, CA 95___, just a couple blocks from where that Fuentes lady killed all those people and buried them in her backyard. "It's nice to know my neighbors and I share the same hobbies," Bill said. If anyone out there has a copy of the original Holmes Family Newsletter (that would be Issue No. 1), you may have a collector's item! Bill doesn't have it on his computer. (Being the experienced word processor that he is, he accidentally erased it.) And no one else seems to have a copy. (I checked.) There's no telling how valuable it may be in years to come! Mike finally leaves Mike is leaving for Germany this Thursday, the 21st! Lucy will be driving him down to Los Angeles to catch his flight. He's leaving from L.A. because it's cheaper. [Or something like that. You'll have to ask Mike to explain it.] LITERARY CORNER [This week we spoke with Eleanor, the most avid reader we could find, and asked her a few important literary questions.] Newsletter: Well, have you read any good books lately? Eleanor: No, not really. Newsletter: Do you expect to be reading any good books in the near future? Eleanor: Depends. Newsletter: Well, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us today. Eleanor: Anytime. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "I need to know your neck size, sleeve length, chest, waist, inseam, outseam, and shoe size. The sooner the better. Our new phone number is (916) x-x. My school district is one of the lowest paying districts around and wants to keep it that way, so we've voted to strike [sometime] in October. Aftter two delays on my broken jaw medical malpractice lawsuit, I'll finally be giving the deposition October 2nd. My investment in sapphires has been giving me my monthly payment on the money they owe me, but the sapphires have yet to be sold. I started a [running] routine to get back in shape. I [invented] a new style of running that gets me to run on my toes more. Now I can run a lot more." -- Steve, Sacramento Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 7 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 7, October 5, 1989 [Let's face it, these things are going to just keep coming.] Steve arrested Steve received his first-ever speeding ticket recently. Of course, this is the first car he's ever had that could exceed the speed limit. Jeannie, on the other hand, has never had a ticket in her life! We asked Jeannie how she does it. "Well, if I'm pulled over," she explained,"I just start crying. That usually works." Anyone else out there like to share their driving record with us? Just let us know. We could, like, make it a regular thing! Tiffany gets new kitten Tiffany received a kitten for her birthday from Don and Diane. This new addition to the family tree hails from Hayward Animal Shelter, where he was chosen by Ms. Brouns out of thousands. "Buster" (that's his name) is about two months old, short-haired, and white with splotches of black in very curious places. All other known members of the family are completely white, so this may pose a problem later in life. Lucy loses it Since Mike's flight to Germany, Lucy, in her grief, has turned to weeding. "You've heard of bulemia, anorexia, alcoholism, drug abuse," Lucy explained. "Well, I'm a victim of wedinus frenzius, 'weeding frenzy' to you and me." As yet, there is no cure for this underestimated and very misunderstood disorder. But there is still hope. The Newsletter, always up on the latest fashionable mental disorder, has set up a "Weeding Frenzy Syndrome Relief Fund." Bill measured Bill had himself measured the other day. "It was thrilling," Bill said. "It's something I've always wanted to do!" Bill will be one of the ushers at Steve and Denise's wedding. We can only assume that that is what he was being measured for. Mike fogged in Upon his arrival in Germany, Mike's plane was forced to land in Dusseldorf instead of Hamburg due to fog. All passengers were forced to stay in the plane for seven hours until the fog in Hamburg cleared. Mike's new address is: Mike ????? Freiberg West Germany Mike's flat, by the way, is on the seventh floor. And there are no elevators. Dad publishes O Progresso The Portuguese Historical and Cultural Society's newsletter, O Progresso, of which Dad is the editor, has recently put out its latest issue. For the actual computerization and printing of the newsletter, Dad called in Bill for the task."Bill's reputation is unparalleled," Dad stated. "It was only natural that, eventually, we would need his newsletter expertise." Diane gets a job After three years of full-time school, Diane has re-entered the workaday world and actually brought home a paycheck last week. What is she doing? She is working as a legal secretary and word processor. Why is she doing this instead of working in chiropractic, which she supposedly spent the last three years studying? When asked this question, Dr. Holmes replied testily, "Because chiropractic doesn't pay enough." We did not inquire as to why she spent three years in school studying something that pays less than her previous line of work. John builds motorcycle John is building a "Super-V" motorcycle from scratch! We asked John about it and he said, "Well, it started out just with some nuts and bolts, a can of oil, and a rubber hose. And now it's basically just a matter of putting it all together." Doug washed out to sea Oh, he's okay now. But, remember Hurricane Hugo? Well, Doug was trying to get some pictures of it when a huge wave hit him and dragged him out to sea! Luckily, Doug's camera case floats. "Praise the Lord," said Doug, obviously delirious. MEDICAL UPDATE There's a new drug out there. Can't remember the name, exactly. But, it was originally designed to cure Parkinson's disease, which it appears to do. No kidding. But one of its "side effects" is that it also seems to slow the aging process. No kidding. It has been reported to lengthen the life of laboratory rats by 40%. It has been available in Europe for about eight years now, and will soon be available here in the States. So, if you have any laboratory rats, this could be what you've been looking for! Consult your physician for details. No kidding. BIRTHDAYS Steve LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "It distresses me to see you ... as editor of the Holmes Family Newsletter. -- Diane, Hayward PHONE CALLS TO THE EDITOR "I'd like to set the record straight. A couple of newsletters back, you mentioned that I took my kids to Disneyland. That part's true. But, what you didn't mention was that John was there, too. I don't mind you misquoting us in that rag you call a newsletter. But at least get your facts straight." -- Jeannie, Lathrop What? You expect us to verify our information, too? It's hard enough making it up. [You may or may not have noticed, but there were two articles in this issue written by a mystery writer! Can you guess who this mystery person is? No, it's not just another one of Bill's split personalities. If you can guess who this mystery person is, guess what, yes, you win a free issue of the next Newsletter! Hopefully, these articles plus Jeannie's poem of a few newsletters back will encourage more input by our readers Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 8 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 8, October 23, 1989 earthquake! Where were you when it hit? Don was just leaving his office on the 15th floor in downtown San Francisco when the whole building started to shake. "I survived," said Don. "But it definitely wasn't fun. It was the scariest 15 seconds in my life." Diane was at a conference in San Mateo at 5:04 on Tuesday. "I didn't panic. But I did dive under a table. Jeannie was in the Tracy DMV parking lot. "It was a pretty good place to be during an earthquake," she said. Dad and Eleanor were at home, preparing dinner and awaiting the start of the World Series. "That was the first one I've felt in this house," Eleanor said. Greg was in his car at a stop sign [in southern California!] when he felt his car starting to quiver. Steve and Denise were on their way to Dad's house. Bill was climbing the stairs to the third-floor level of his parking garage, and didn't feel it at all. Lucy was driving to Sacramento, and didn't feel it, either. John was scheduled to work in San Francisco in the hard-hit Marina district that day. But, due to an upset stomach, rescheduled his appointment for another day, and was home with his kids when it hit. Psychic premonition? Or just an upset stomach? You be the judge. Mike was in West Germany. Doug was on the east coast. Eleanor hits jackpot! Bill doesn't About a month ago, Eleanor hit a $1250 jackpot playing the slots in Tahoe! That just about covers her losses of the previous couple months. Bill played Lotto last Wednesday -- $10 worth! Of course, he only got two numbers right. But that tied his all-time best. That's right, he's never even won $5. Why does he keep playing? Greg visits Sacramento gives free exercise clinic Greg is in the middle of a state-wide tour of California giving free exercise clinics. He demonstrated his fitness tips for an enthralled crowd at Dad's house last week. "My ultimate goal," says Greg, "is a physically fit America." HOROSCOPE If you were born between October 23 and November 21, you are a Scorpio. And we feel very sorry for you. You are a borderline schizophrenic sex fiend. And it would probably be a good idea to register your name with the police and at the free clinic. This month will also be a good time to have that plastic surgery you've been putting off. Good fortune is just around the corner. Pay all your bills on time this month. And be sure to look both ways before crossing the street. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "Greetings from the Fatherland! My room is very nice. The main problem is only half of it is high enough to stand upright in. Freiburg, however, is the best place I've ever lived. The nightlife here is extraordinary since it's a university town. I just got back from an Oktoberfest in Stuttgart. This is the one the Germans go to. Everyone in the hall was on the tables dancing with a liter of beer in hand. It was basically like the State Fair, only not so much livestock. I slept in a car that night. According to Germans, it really doesn't matter whose it was. I have a very good chance of starting work by the end of the week as a vegetable inspector for a trucking company. For sport, I play squash. It's a great sport for us ex-badminton stars. Please excuse my grammar and penmanship. P.S. -- This is off the record." -- Mike, student, Freiburg [Sorry Mike, but I liked your letter so much, I had to print it.] ANOTHER INTERVIEW [This week we spoke with some guy we found on the street.] Newsletter: Is there anything you'd like to say before we shoot you dead? Some Guy: What!? Newsletter: Oh, sorry. Wrong set of questions. Okay, here we go. When will your next film be coming out? Some Guy: I haven't made a film. Newsletter: No? Some Guy: No. Newsletter: Oh, right. That's next week's interview. Well, I can't figure out why I'm interviewing you at all. Maybe you can tell me. Some Guy: Can't say. Newsletter: Sure you can. You can trust me. Some Guy: No. I mean, I don't know. Newsletter: Oh. Some Guy: Can I ask you a question? Newsletter: Sure. Some Guy: Have you ever considered reconstructive brain surgery? Newsletter: Yes I have, actually, but the college tuition was too much. So I went into journalism. You don't need an education to be a writer. But enough about me. I'm supposed to be interviewing you. So, tell me, what's it like being a belly dancer? Some Guy: Can't say. Newsletter: You can trust me. Some Guy: Not again. THE MAUDLIN WANDERER Saturday, October 14, 1989 Took a little trip down memory lane today. Drove by the old Edison Avenue house. What a joke that place is. It's like a forest. It looks really weird. But, at least it's shady. I then headed out to Folsom, taking a circuitous Edison-to-Winding Way-to-Madison-to-Folsom-Auburn Road route that I used to take on my little "stingray" bicycle in the summers. It's at least a 15-mile trip. And I was only 11 or 12 at the time! Kind of amazing, huh? Anyway, once in Folsom, the memories were much older and dustier and, well, harder to remember. I never did find the old School Street house. But then, I could have driven right by it and not recognized it. What was the address, anyway? I had lunch at -- where else? -- the old A&W. And there just happened to be a football game in progress at Folsom High. The Bulldogs were playing some blue & gold team. Had no problem finding the old Inwood Road house. (It's still a gravel road, by the way.) Whoever lives there now has put in a second-level wooden deck up against the backside of the house. The "white house" looks like an old shack. There are actually two houses there, one behind the other. They're both shacks. And the old weeping willow tree seems to be gone. Folsom Lake, such as it is, is still there. So are the prison, the rodeo grounds, and the zoo. Anyway, that's an update for you on the old neighborhood. It hasn't really changed that much, actually. Until next time, this is The Maudlin Wanderer saying, "You're never too young to be senile and stuck in the past." ADVICE CORNER "My dog "Lucky" keeps peeing on the furniture. What do I do?" Make sure you pee on the furniture before he can. Then he'll know it's your furniture. "My boyfriend is cheating on me. What should I do?" Kill him. "My car won't start. What should I do?" Try turning the key. That works for me. "I can't seem to hit the low, inside curve ball. What should I do?" Nobody can hit the low, inside curve. "My house burned down. How could this happen?" Probably just some kids playing with fireworks. Don't worry, the insurance will pay for it. "I have hemorrhoids, and my head seems to be getting smaller. What should I do?" Get a life Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 9 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter A Newsletter With A Mission In Life! Vol. 1, No. 9 Worldwide Circulation November 21, 1989 The Environmental Issue Only 34 days 'til Christmas And where will this year's celebration be? Well, Lucy has offered to sacrifice her house for the cause. But, if you want to host A Holmes Family Christmas at your house, go ahead. Nobody really cares, just so long as it's somewhere. Either way, there's time to think about it. If you have any suggestions or questions, send them in a self-addressed stamped envelope to The Holmes Family Newsletter. Bill locks himself in apartment As you may know, Bill caught the garter belt at the reception. Well, apparently, he has locked himself in his apartment and refuses to leave. "I don't want to get married!," he stated. "I can't afford it." We will keep you posted on this crisis situation. GERMAN PERSPECTIVE This week, live via satellite from Germany, we interviewed Mike (Remember him?) Newsletter: So, Mike, what's your favorite newsletter? Mike: I still think it [The Holmes Family Newsletter] is a great idea. Keep up the good work! Newsletter: What do you do for a living? Mike: I've decided to become a professional mason. That's right, all my experience in renovating bathrooms is finally paying off. Of course, it's not the best way to learn German, hanging around plumbers and electricians all day. Newsletter: What did you do last weekend? Mike: I went last weekend to Zurich, Switzerland to see the Salvador Dali Exhibition. Wow! It was overwhelming. So much Dali. But, after a while, you seen one melting clock, you've seen 'em all. I think if I ever had too much money, I would move to Zurich and become a commoner. Move over, Rodeo Drive. Bahnhofstrasse in Zurich is the place to be cosmopolitan. THE ENVIRONMENT by Doug For those of us who would like to get involved in a cause, here are a few going on in the California area: FORESTS: Called "ancient" or "old growth" forests by conservationists, portions of the Pacific Northwest, including Mount Shasta, the Trinity Alps, the coastal mountains around Eureka, and the rest of the Giant Redwoods, are under severe threat of being "clear-cut" (totally leveled) by the timber industry to pay off debts. "Liquidating" trees is happening. Fortunately, however, groups like the Sierra Club and the Wilderness Society are taking the timber companies to court to try and stop this "liquidation." After being "clear-cut", the forest is then replanted with whatever happens to be the fastest-growing tree from the area, and only that type of tree. This creates a "mono-culture" and makes the area uninhabitable to creatures that once were there. Possibly even more important, the soil is then open to erosion, making it impossible to grow things there anymore. Soil erosion hurts the fishing, too, by silting up gravel beds used by salmon and trout. Much of the privately-owned forests have already been cut down in recent decades. And now they want the National Forests too, which belong to all of us. WATERFOWL: The Nature Conservancy and Ducks Unlimited, along with the Sierra Club and Audubon Society, are continuing to buy up land and designate wetland areas as wildlife sanctuaries. Wetlands around California and the rest of the U.S., not to mention other countries, are vanishing quickly to developers of new condos, malls, marinas, etc. In an effort to keep viable populations of birds and other wildlife, environmental groups have enlisted the landowners' cooperation in preserving the wetlands instead of draining them to plant crops and for other reasons. Ninety-five percent of California's original wetlands are now gone. Many areas remain unprotected. [If you wish to contribute to any of the above causes, please send your contributions or questions directly to the above-named organizations. Don't bother the people at The Newsletter. They'll just keep any money you send, anyway.] Dad not perfect! Family Stunned In an exclusive interview behind closed doors with the Holmes Family Newsletter, Dad revealed that he is not that model of perfection that everyone thought he was. Eleanor refuses to believe it. Doug was left speechless (so you know he was shocked.) HOW TO BE AN USHER by Many people have asked me, "Bill, what's it like being an usher?" And I tell them flat out, "It's not as easy as you might think. Being an usher requires tremendous responsibility. First, there's the rigorous training one must go through. It's called "rehearsal". And then, of course, there's the actual wedding. It's a lot of hard work. Let's say some old lady is trying to find her seat, and it's taking her forever because of those itty-bitty steps she takes, and it's holding up the whole wedding. Who do they call on to get her out of the way so the wedding can go on? The usher. And what about when a fight breaks out over who gets to sit closest to the bathroom? Or when a couple of snot-nosed little brats start shooting spit-wads at each other and one of those spit wads puts out somebody's eye, and you try to grab the snot-nosed kids with one hand and feel around under the pews for the victim's eye with the other hand because it fell out onto the ground and you have to find it before somebody steps on it, and ... well, okay, so that never happens. But it could. And it's the usher's job to make sure it never does." That's what I tell someone when they ask me what it's like to be an usher. For your copy of the paperback version of "How To Be An Usher", send all your money to The Holmes Family Newsletter. PLEASE RECYCLE. USE THIS NEWSLETTER AS TOILET PAPER AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED READING IT. THANK YOU Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 10 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 10 -- Worldwide Circulation -- December 6, 1989 Newsletter sold! The Holmes Family Newsletter was involved in a hostile takeover. A group of Japanese investors have taken control of the Newsletter by means of a leveraged buy-out. Luckily, they're letting Bill keep his job as editor. However, they insist on changing the name starting with the next issue. They have suggested calling it The Imperial Newsletter of the Rising Sun & Real Estate Update. If you have a better idea, let us know, quickly. The person who comes up with the winning name will receive one hundred shares of stock in the Newsletter! Eleanor wins the lottery! Eleanor has won the Holmes Family Christmas Lottery! (You thought maybe it was another lottery?) After our plea for volunteers to host the Holmes Family Christmas in the last issue, the response was tremendous. Fights actually broke out over who would host this coveted event. Luckily, Bill is a trained usher and was able to break up the fights. In case you haven't figured it out by now, Christmas dinner will be at Dad & Eleanor's house this year. Dinner will be served around 2 o'clock. For your after dinner pleasure, sway to the mellow sounds of "Cleotis Cool & His All Accordion Orchestra." No cover charge. Steve puts up wallpaper! Steve's first attempt at wallpapering was a successful one. He managed to paper the walls of two entire rooms in his and Denise's house! Now he just has to cut out holes for the doors and windows. In a related story, there have recently been several notices plastered around the South Natomas area about a lost cat. However, Steve swears there is no relationship between that and the curiously shaped bump behind the wallpaper. REPORT FROM CANCUN [After Steve and Denise's wedding, a team of roving reporters followed the honeymooners to Cancun. They filed this report . . .] The first day was all travelling. A three-hour flight from Sacramento to Dallas, a 4-hour layover, two-hour flight to Cancun, and then a two-hour, 16-mile bus trip from the airport to the hotel, Playa Blanca. On the first day in Cancun, Denise was merciless in her bargaining with the flea market vendors. "We have a special today just for you, so I can make my first sale," was a common line. Steve and Denise spent their second day on a bus trip to the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza, 100 miles west of Cancun, where Steve, for no apparent reason, ran up the highest pyramid, 91 steps, two at a time. Wednesday, they took a trimaran trip to Isla Mujeres for snorkeling, shopping, lunch, and a little "parasailing" from the ship's mast by Steve. Thursday, Denise and Steve stimulated the local economy some more at the flea market and were drenched in a rain storm. They spent the evening watching the Folklorico Ballet, which was quite beautiful with all its costumes and dances. By Friday, Steve almost had his voice back for the long trip home. The amazing thing was that he kept pretending to be hoarse for so long. Dad writes a book Dad has finished his book tentatively titled Sacramento Area Pioneer Portuguese and Their Descendants, or Pioneer Portuguese, for short. It will soon be available at fine stores near you. For a couple extra bucks, Dad might even autograph it for you. THE ENVIRONMENT by Doug DON'T WEAR FUR The Humane Society has begun its annual campaign against the fur industry. Billboards with the slogan "You Should Be Ashamed To Wear Fur" plus magazine and newspaper ads and articles in The Holmes Family Newsletter have reportedly been having an impact. The Humane Society's contention is that the animals look better wearing fur than people do. So, the next time you see someone wearing fur, tell them what a scum-sucking slimeball they are! Thank you. DON'T BUY IVORY, EITHER Poachers kill about 25 elephants a day! Using airplanes to find them and machine guns to kill the pachyderms, entire herds, including the young ones that don't even have tusks, are being wiped out. Many areas once supporting elephants are now devoid of them. This reporter intends to visit Africa within the next decade before elephants can no longer be found. It's that serious. [Your tax-deductible contributions are now being accepted for the "Let's Send Doug to Africa!" campaign.] Lucy goes to Fresno [Due to lack of interest, this story has been cut. We just left the headline there for its shock value.] CHARITY For a dollar a day, you can support a starving child in a foreign country! Yes, that's right. You see, Mike has a bank account in Germany now. And it's as easy as 1-2-3 to transfer money from your bank account to his! Just ask Lucy. She's done it. And now you can, too! Here's the info you need: Michael [redacted], Dresdner Bank, Bank Code #?????, Account #?????. If you have any questions, call Lucy, or call Mike in Germany at 011-497-615-???-??. Please give until it hurts. BIRTHDAYS Jeannie LETTERS TO THE EDITOR We opened our wedding gifts last Saturday night. We got all the place settings we asked for, and them some. There weren't many duplicate gifts, except for five pairs of crystal and silver candle holders. We're putting all cash gifts toward a China cabinet. Now we just have to go to China to pick it up. Thanks for the knife, Bill. Boy, is it sharp. I made minced meat out of a pile of vegetables. Too bad Denise wanted them to remain as vegetables for a salad. Steve, Newlywed, Sacramento Pop-Pop-ing Off by Lionel Holmes DISTINGUISHED VISITOR to the Surfside manse Dec. 4 was ex-Sacramento Mayor Clarence Azevedo, here to be interviewed for Pioneer Portuguese, soon to be No. 1 on the NY Times best-seller list. He told of working in a grocery after school in Perkins from four to seven, returning home to milk the family cow, and then delivering his four quarts of milk by horseback before returning to do his homework by kerosene lantern. Reminded me of how I used to walk ten miles to school through drifting snow while carrying a sack of coal on my shoulders to stoke the schoolhouse stove. Speaking of politicians, don't ever say you wouldn't vote for Dan Quayle as dogcatcher, for one of my cousins was poundmaster of Sacramento, and his father had the distinguished job before him. As for relatives, did you know that I acquired my great business acumen from my great-grandfather Manuel Leal daRoza, who opened the first pawn shop in the Azores, a business he had started in Concepcion, Chile; that he was an amateur magician; and that one of his ancestors is said to have been involved in the tobacco-smuggling trade out of the Carolinas. And that on your Hungarian side there's an ancestor supposed to have been related to the Principality of Liechtenstein. The family's beginning to resemble the United Nations: countries now represented are Portugal, Brazil, Germany, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Lebanon, Italy, and Chile (Diane's the ambassador from Lebanon, June from Yugoslavia, and your great-great grandmother came from Chile). also perhaps Flanders should be included -- that's the Dutch-speaking western part of Belgium, who helped Portugal colonize the Azores and from whom came the redheads and blondes you see in the islands today, like your greatgrandma Emelia Leal Silveira who passed on her redhead genes to Jeannie and Bill. Re Hungary, this past fall your Uncle Leonard visited Békéscsaba where your Liska ancestors came from (your grandmother was a Liska). Geography lesson continued: except for Steve and Don who reached Longitude 34 when the ship brought them back to civilization from Brazil in 1955 (and technically Jeannie since your Mom was pregnant then), I guess Doug has been the farthest east in the family when his vacation last summer took him to Nova Scotia, not counting Mike's presence in Freiburg and trips to Europe in years past by Denise and Elnli (Eleanor & Lionel). Greg (June, too?) and Denise have been farthest west, to Japan. Farthest north? Elnli again, to Banff, about 53rd parallel; south, Greg, Lucy and Steve with me to Montevideo in 1954 (we left six-month-old "Donaldo" home with the maid and friends). Ever wonder where the writing talent (if any) came from? Uncle Francisco Rocha Homem, who was chief of the postal-telegraph office in Madeira (we'd call him postmaster here) wrote extensively but submitted none of his work for publication. His son posthumously published two of his one-act plays in 1973. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 1 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 HARD COPY Vol. 2, No. 1 "Hard-Hitting Journalism" January 3, 1990 [formerly known as The Holmes Family Newsletter] Predictions for 1990 Elvis Presley will still be dead. Vice-President Quayle will be kicked out of office and reassigned as Ambassador to Libya. Los Angeles will secede from the Union and nobody will care. The Raiders will move to Sacramento, then Oakland, then back to Los Angeles. Don will be arrested for accessing secret military computers. He will be tried for treason and sent to Panama. Greg and June will buy a cow and market their own brand of yogurt. Doug will get lost in the wilderness for several months before finally emerging with a tale of abduction by aliens and proof of the existence of the Lost City of Atlantis. He'll have pictures. Bill will be involved in a boating accident, lose his memory and, afterwards, start his own religion. He'll call it "Myanetics: A Science of Mine." New Year's Resolutions Steve: Lose weight and beat Bill in tennis Denise: Find a cure for 2nd graders Lucy: Stop taking amphetamines Doug: Get a "real" job Jeannie: Make the roller derby all-star team John: Be first human to ride a motorcyle around the world Mike: Become Chancellor of East Germany Bill: Win the Pulitzer Prize for journalism Greg: Single-handedly remove all toxic waste Dad & Eleanor: Win the lottery, any lottery, just once Don: Start smoking again Diane: Eradicate the world's lower back problems Interview [WARNING! Due to the delicate nature of the following interview, it may not be suitable for children.] This week we interviewed Lucy [redacted], a mild-mannered DMV investigator from Livingston, CA, while her friend (we'll call him "Ken") watched in horror. HARD COPY: Would you put the gun down, please? Lucy: Oh, sorry. Bad habit. I'd like you to meet Ken. HARD COPY: Hi Ken. So, I hear you're pregnant. Ken: What?! HARD COPY: I was talking to Lucy. Lucy: I'm not pregnant. My dog "Coyote" is. HARD COPY: Oh. Well, that screws up my whole interview! Lucy: Sorry. HARD COPY: So, how do you go about getting a dog pregnant? Lucy: Excuse me? HARD COPY: I mean, do you take out ads? Or do you, like, walk her up and down the street until she meets a cute male dog from a good family, or what? Lucy: Oh, please! HARD COPY: Wait, don't leave! We're not finished yet. So, what are you going to name the puppies? Lucy: Oh, you know, just One, Two, Three, Four, like that. Just depends on how many puppies there are, you see. HARD COPY: Really? That's amazing! I had a dog named Zero! But he ran away. Lucy: Somehow I'm not surprised. Look, I've got to go. I just remembered I have to get all my teeth pulled out. HARD COPY: Well, hey, let's do this again sometime! It's been a real treat! Lucy: Yeah. I'll call you. Youth rides wild horse Tiffany, 9, of Lathrop, CA, saddled up and just started riding this wild horse that she just happened to find locked up in a corral. Several times this bronc, which she dubbed Galaxy, reared up, did a couple flips, stood on its head, and everything! But Tiffany never fell off. Jeannie, and visiting cousin, Aileen, could only watch and hope for the best. "It was nothing," Tiffany said afterwards. "I do this sort of thing all the time." "That's right, she does," Jeannie said, chewing on a fingernail. Andy potty-trained! He's A Big Boy Now Andy of Santa Ana, youngest son of Greg and June, and Aileen and Bryan's little brother, is now officially potty-trained! Congratulations, Andy! Certainly, all or most of our readers can remember exactly where they were when it happened to them. In a recent nationwide poll, being potty-trained ranked right up there with the most exciting things that can happen to a person in their lifetime. Now that he's a BIG BOY, Andy says he's ready to go camping with his Uncle Doug. MEMORABLE QUOTES FROM OVER THE YEARS "If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, let it mellow." -- John (circa 1979) "I prefer dark meat." -- Dad (circa 1986) "Are you going to eat that?" -- Bill (yesterday) "I thought Sally Jesse Raphael was three people." -- Mike (1989) "There ought to be a way of determining, before birth, whether somebody's going to be a lawyer." -- Don (1989) MORE ON "PLACES RATED ALMANAC" States With Death By Firing Squad: Idaho & Utah Worst Violators of Clean Air Standards (Carbon Monoxide): 1. New York City, 2. Steubenville, OH, 3. Spokane, WA, 4. Los Angeles, 5. Albuquerque Average Teacher Salaries (by state): 1. Alaska, 2. Wash. D.C., 3. Connecticut, 4. New York, 5. Calif. Access to Bowling Alleys (per capita): 1. Oshkosh, WI, 2. Wausau, WI, 3. Muskegon, MI, 4. Glens Falls, NY, 5. Erie, PA Overall Top Five Rated Cities: 1. Seattle, 2. San Francisco, 3. Pittsburgh, 4. Washington, D.C., 5. San Diego The Editor's Desk So, how do you like the new name for the newsletter? We almost went to press under the name The Harbinger. And we came very close to calling it The Happy Hairball (seriously). But, fears of massive subscription cancellations changed our minds. So, Hard Copy it is. Happy New Year! And keep those letters to the editor coming! HOLMES FAMILY TRIVIA! Hi! And welcome to Holmes Family Trivia! This week's question is: Can you remember the phone numbers of the past Holmes Family Households? Again, that's the phone numbers of the past Holmes Family households! Bonus points are scored if you can recite the addresses (plus zip code)! The winner wins a trip for two to each of the old households. Travel arrangements made by Holmes Family Travel. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 2 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 Bullseye Vol. 2, No. 2, January 26, 1990 [formerly known as Hard Copy; before that, The Holmes Family Newsletter] Denise expecting! Taking her cue from Lucy's dog, Coyote, Denise is also expecting puppies, er, that is, a child sometime mid to late September. Congratulations, Denise (and Steve)! Steve to undergo surgery Steve is set to undergo double surgery. The plan is to take some bone from one of his ribs and put it in his jaw. No kidding! Then they will wire his jaw shut for three weeks. Denise stated, "If the doctors didn't do it, I would have." Diane changes name In an elaborate scheme to elude her creditors, Diane is officially changing her name. BULLSEYE spoke with her about it and she explained, "Well, it was difficult choosing a new last name. I mean, there are so many! But, I eventually settled on [redacted]. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Doug visits NY And Lives! Doug "did a bit of sightseeing, but mostly went into the many camera shops which also advertise in photo magazines." By now, most of you have probably received his open letter to the family. Interesting letter, don't you think? Did you notice that the Holmes family mascot seems to be a woodpecker? Aside from the last half of the word, what does a woodpecker signify. Did you know the Holmes family even had a mascot? Does anyone out there speak Hungarian? Is there anyone out there? Mike still in Germany BULLSEYE spoke with the world traveller live via satellite the other day and Mike confirmed that, yes, he is still in Germany. He says he plans to be back in California sometime in April or May of this year. Crimewatch this Week Last week, somebody broke into Bill's car and stole his tool chest, all his cassette tapes (about 80 tapes!), plus his little hand-held tape recorder. Counting the expense of repairs and the value of the stolen items, it adds up to about $600 worth. When BULLSEYE caught up with Bill the other day and asked him what he plans to do about it, he explained "I'm growing a mustache." Also, Bill is hot on the trail of a check forger. It all started when Don sent Bill's mail (including a $280 rent deposit refund check) to Bill in a "plain brown wrapper." The package never got to Bill, so Bill filled out a"tracer" form at the U.S. Post Office. Of course, that did no good. So, three months later, still with no package, Bill decided to call his old apartment manager and have them stop payment on the old check and issue a new one. That would have worked, except that somebody had apparently found Bill's check (probably a mail carrier), forged his endorsement on the back of the check and deposited said check into a bank account in San Francisco. Of course, the guy will be caught because he was stupid enough put his bank account number on the back of the check. So, it's just a matter of time before investigators at his bank, B of A, find him -- unless, of course, he has closed out his account and moved out of state. Assuming they find him, bank officials have been given instructions to hand the forger over to Bill for "questioning." One of those Days by William [redacted] Holmes It was late. Claude couldn't sleep. He decided to walk to the corner liquor store for munchies and beer. As he entered the store, he noticed a girl at the phone-booth by the door. She smiled a curious smile and Claude smiled back uncertainly, then proceeded into the store. Grabbing the things he needed, he brought them up to the man behind the counter. Out of the corner of his eye, Claude noticed the phone-booth girl hang up the phone with a crash and walk away. Claude dug into his pants pocket for his cash, paid the cashier and walked out of the store. Once outside, Claude spotted the girl walking briskly ahead. His long legs brought him to within a few yards of the girl fairly quickly. At close range, he noticed she was staggering slightly from side to side. When he came up alongside her he asked if she was okay. She said yes, but thanks for asking. "You're drunk, aren't you?" he persisted. She smiled sheepishly as if being found out and admitted she was "slightly" drunk. "Do you need a ride, or something?" Claude offered. "A ride? You don't even have a car," the girl slurred. Then, quite unexpectedly, she put her arm under his and leaned her head against his shoulder. She was drunk, alright, he thought, and he smiled. He escorted her the block and a half to his apartment, and together they made their way up the stairs to his door. Once inside, she wrapped her arms around him, kissed him on the lips, then collapsed, unconscious. He checked her pulse to make sure she was still alive, and breathed a sigh of relief when he confirmed that she was. Claude, always the gentleman, then placed her delicately onto his bed to sleep it off. "Not much of a date," he said to no one in particular. He turned on the television, lit a cigarette and made himself comfortable on the couch. In the middle of the night, the girl awakened to the smell of smoke and saw, through very blurry eyes and a throbbing head, smoke coming off the carpet in the middle of the floor. She instantly sobered up. Claude continued sleeping on the couch with a lit cigarette just out of his unconscious grasp. The girl jumped out of bed and began stamping the fire out with her foot. All that stamping woke Claude up, and he raised his head to see what was going on. His sudden movement frightened her and she kicked him in the throat. Without realizing it or even trying to, she had just killed him. The girl decided to get out of his apartment before he, if he, woke up. Trying to think clearly through her mental fog, she found Claude's lighter, lit some newspaper and threw it onto the floor. She then rummaged through Claude's things and found his wallet and car keys. Taking the cash and major credit cards from the wallet, she dropped the wallet into the fire and bolted out the door. The fire quickly spread and soon engulfed the entire apartment. By the time dead Claude's smoke alarm went off, the girl was searching the parking lot for Claude's car. A little leather strap on Claude's key ring said "Camaro" on it. There was only one Camaro in the lot, and the keys opened the door. Five seconds later, she was on her way out into the street. One of dead Claude's neighbors heard the fire alarm and came out of his apartment. He smelled the smoke and followed it to Claude's door. Bursting into the smoke-infested room, he found Claude half on the couch, half on the floor. Leaving him there for the moment, he ran out to the hallway, grabbed the fire extinguisher, ran back into the apartment and doused the flames with the fire extinguisher. Then he noticed some of Claude's personal belongings -- a personal computer, a large-screen tv and VCR and, in the far corner of the one-room apartment, stood a fairly expensive-looking piano. The neighbor looked over his shoulder to see if anyone else was around. He was surprised and disappointed to find two young men smiling at him nervously just outside the doorway. The young men stopped smiling and ran straight for the television and VCR, yanking the plugs out of the wall and disappearing out the door. The remaining neighbor hesitated a moment, then decided to follow their lead. He quickly unplugged the computer and carted it off to his apartment. With the computer safely stashed in his closet, the neighbor couldn't help but watch through a crack in the door to see who else might loot Claude's apartment. A small dog wandered up to Claude's door. It timidly sniffed at Claude's doorstep a moment or two while its owner called out its name. The dog heard the calls and raised its head in response. But, like most dogs, it chose to ignore its owner and continue sniffing. The dog then wandered over to Claude's dead body, sniffed a couple more times, then lifted its leg and peed on him. Contest! It has been brought to our attention that the name Hard Copy is currently being used by one of those tabloid trash t.v. shows. And since we don't want this newsletter to be confused with any other tabloid trash, we're having a contest to find a new name! The contest is, oddly enough, called "Name That Newsletter!" This is your big chance to do a little name-calling! The one who comes up with the best name will receive a free copy of that issue! Send your suggestions to 16__ H Street, #__, Sacramento, CA 95___. Or call (916) x-x. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 3 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 Billy Club Vol. 2, No. 3, February 8, 1990 [aka Bullseye, Hard Copy, The Holmes Family Newsletter] A newsletter for the 90s and beyond! Diane now a doctor Call her "Dr. Holmes" now. Diane Holmes, D.C., to be exact. She passed her exams last month and is now officially a chiropractor! Diane stated,"It wasn't easy. There were hardly any multiple choice questions!" She is now officially a yuppie. Steve crashes car Steve was playing tag with a tractor-trailer rig on the freeway again recently when it almost turned to disaster! Steve found himself in between the fast-moving truck behind him and an unmoving line of cars in front of him. To avoid being sandwiched, Steve quickly swerved into the next lane. It was a nifty bit of evasive action. Unfortunately, the truck swerved into the same lane at the same time and bumped into Steve's pickup. Steve was uninjured but there was major damage to the rear-end of his car. When will Steve learn not to play on the freeway? Bill fired Nobody Surprised We talked to Bill about it, and here's what he had to say: BILLY CLUB: So, you were fired? BILL: Yeah. BC: You don't seem too upset about it. BILL: No. Actually, I'm quite encouraged. Most of the world's great writers couldn't hold jobs, either, you know. So, I'm right on track as far as that goes. BC: I see. So, why were you fired? BILL: I was late a few times, and I refused to kiss up. BC: Those were the official reasons? BILL: Something like that. BC: Well, have you learned your lesson? BILL: What lesson is that? BC: Everybody thinks you're a shthead now, you know. BILL: Who does? BC: Well, everybody. BILL: Names! I want names! BC: Just look in the phonebook and pick out a few. [A short recess is taken while Bill looks through phonebook.] BC: Let's continue, shall we? So, what are your plans for the future? BILL: I'm thinking of running for public office. BC: But seriously, what are your plans? BILL: I am serious. But, just in case I'm not elected, I'm going to a trade school to learn computer programming. BC: Okay. So, what will become of the newsletter? BILL: I think I owe it to my public to continue the newsletter, don't you? BC: I guess so. Do you plan on staying in Sacramento? BILL: Depends. CLUBHOUSE CHAT So how do you like the new name for the newsletter? I have no idea where I got the idea for the name. Would you like to be a member of the Billy Club? Sure you would. Just send $59.95, plus shipping and handling. Remember the pastor in Steve and Denise's wedding? Well, he seems to have his own t.v. show in Sacramento every Sunday morning called "The Best Is Yet to Be", or something like that. Do I watch the show? Of course not. I just saw the promo. Well, Steve accomplished his New Year's resolution. He beat Bill in tennis, six games to five. Bill had him down five games to four but choked under pressure. A disconsolate Bill explained, "The sun was in my eyes." Stay tuned for Uno Mas: Blood on the Blacktop! File this one under Stupid: One of Denise's fellow teachers has a Vietnamese student named "Air Conditioner." Yes, you read it right. Apparently, the student's parents wanted to give the kid an American name, so they decided to choose the first American word they saw. You can figure out the rest. Lucy threw another one of her gala bashes at her home high up in the hills of Livingston last week. All five of her friends were there. And everything was going fine until the crowd turned ugly and started throwing oranges. Then, a couple of partygoers got totally out of line, whipped out the chainsaws, and cut down her backyard fence! "Just a typical party, really," Lucy said, rubbing an orange-size bruise on her leg. SO MUCH FOR SACRIFICIAL RITES by The High Priest announced, "We must sacrifice a human life tonight." The crowd of Mibuku natives milling around the fire immediately tensed and fell silent. Suddenly, the High Priest pointed his holy finger at a lowly servant fanning the Queen. The servant shrieked. Royal guards descended from their place upon the sacrificial platform, seized the servant and dropped him indelicately upon the platform. The servant immediately raised himself to his knees and, with clasped hands, proceeded to beg for mercy. "Your Holiness!", the lowly servant began. "We have already sacrificed three pigs tonight! Is that not enough?" His Holiness surprised everyone by actually answering the servant's plea. No, it is not enough! There must be a human sacrifice." "Why don't you get one of the royalty?" the servant suggested helpfully. The milling crowd let out a collective gasp. "One of them would surely make a better sacrifice than I." "Certainly not!" The High Priest was appalled, but at the same time intrigued by the servant's nerve. "Okay," the servant bartered, seizing the opportunity."How about if I gather up all the pigs on the island and dump them into the sacrificial pit. There must be hundreds of them damned pigs on this island. In fact..." "Silence!," His Holiness screamed. "There is going to be a human sacrifice tonight and you are it!" The crowd listened intently to this dialogue. They hadn't had this much entertainment since, well, since the last human sacrifice. Oh come on," the servant shrieked, to which the crowd roared in delight. "Let's be reasonable," he said. "I mean, how much of an offer am I to the Gods -- a lowly servant with dish-pan hands? I say 'Give the little guy a break.' And if you really want to please the Gods, throw the Queen into the pit!" The crowd again gasped in horror. But the little servant continued on."She deserves it anyway, the old cow. Do you know what it's like working for her? It's 'Do this, do that.' There's no breaks! I tell you . . ." Before the servant could finish, four soldiers picked him up by the arms and threw him into the sacrificial pit. THE END. GALLOPING POLLS This is the poll to end all polls. We're going to decide once and for all right here and now what you think about the important issues. Who is your all-time favorite movie cowboy? Your favorite movie tough guy? Your favorite movie tough chick? Your favorite television animal? If you had to choose between being flat broke or stupid, which would it be? If you had a pet monkey, what would you call it? If it was Thursday, and the wind was blowing from the West, how long would it take to get from New York to Los Angeles? If you won the Lotto, would you keep your job? If you lost your job, would you play the Lotto? Now, write your answers down on a piece of paper, carefully crumple it up... and throw it away. MEMORABLE QUOTES Actual Quotes "You look different over the phone." "I wonder how many people have died in the waiting room." "As long as we stay in the crosswalk, the cars have to stop. " "You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." -- Houston Astros player "A classic is a book that is praised by all and read by no one." -- Mark Twain BIRTHDAYS Don Eleanor [Didn't mention Mike's birthday in the last issue. Well, he celebrated "The Big 21"! Of course, in Germany the legal drinking age is 12, so it wasn't that big a deal for him.] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 4 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 Billy Club News That Hits You Over The Head Vol. 2, No. 4, February 26, 1990 Coyote has puppies! Lucy's dog, Coyote, had four "little shepherdy things" on Friday, the 23rd. Yeah, only four. "But they're big puppies," says Lucy. This is the third litter for Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels. And, pursuant to AKC Rule 60609, the names of these puppies must begin with the letter "C" ("c" being the third letter of the alphabet, you see). Billy Club humbly offers these suggestions: Calling All Cars, Cat's Pajamas, Crustaceous Anthropoid, Common Cur, Clubhouse Chat, Cotton Picker, Coyote Breath and Cricket Smasher. Since Lucy most assuredly won't use any of our suggestions, maybe you should call Lucy with some suggestions of your own at 209-x-x. Speaking of dogs, Lucy traded in her male German shepherd, Bachus, to the Manteca Police Department in exchange for cash and a future draft pick. Bachus will wear a badge and be trained to fire a service revolver, sniff out drugs, and capture bad guys. He'll be a regular Deputy Dawg! We asked Bachus to comment, and he said (in dog talk), "I'm going to give 110 percent and contribute however I can. I'm taking it one day at a time." Jeannie named 4H leader In a bold political move, Jeannie, mother of two, has taken over as Lathrop's area 4H leader. "Sweeping changes will be made!", Jeannie declared. When Billy Club asked Jeannie what "4H" stands for she said,"That's not important. What's important is that sweeping changes will be made." Doug goes to Vermont Billy Club's roving "photoventurer", Doug [redacted], phoned our Surfside Way bureau the other night from Washington, D.C. He had just returned to D.C. from Vermont because he had to go all the way to Vermont before he got to any snow, because they've been having a warm spell in D.C., and he really wanted to see some snow before leaving for Florida. Are you following any of this? Anyway, he's probably in Florida by now, playing golf with his old pals from Clearwater. Disturbing News: A recent survey has revealed that Sacramento ranks No. 1 in the country for hours spent viewing t.v. movies, per capita, and last in regards to keeping up with fashion. Less But Still Fairly Disturbing News: Royal Crown Cola has changed the design on its cans! Is nothing sacred? News From Hayward: Diane has landed her first chiropractic job since officially becoming a chiropractor! Diane's brother, Steven, living in Raleigh, N.C., was married to a girl named Debbie on Feb. 9. Debbie plans on keeping her maiden name. Tiffany wins race! Over the weekend, Tiffany and her mom, Jeannie, ran in the one-mile segment of the City of Ripon's prestigious "Almond Blossom Charity Run." Tiffany's aunt Lucy ran in the five-mile segment of the race. And, okay, so Tiffany didn't actually win her race, but if it wasn't for all those people in front of her, she would have. Congratulations, Tiffany! DATES TO REMEMBER March 1 -- Dad & Eleanor's Anniversary MEMORABLE QUOTES "Let's go hecka fast, Dad!" -Thomas, while on the back of his father's Harley "I want to be on t.v. when I grow up!" -Bryan, in an exclusive interview with Billy Club LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "I'm still in Germany and don't plan on returning [to the U.S.] just yet. Through Doug's inspiration, I plan to visit Dresden, East Germany, where many of the [redacted] family resided. I doubt if anything will come of it, but it gives me a wonderful excuse to visit "the most beautiful opera house in the world." It seems the East German government was more interested in building grandiose cultural centers than repairing homes or roads destroyed in WWII. (This ends my segment on political commentary.) For my birthday, my host family [the Lehmanns] gave me a trip to Paris! I should be doing the Louvre and Rue de Rivoli by May '90. I also want to get up to London to visit my friend Martin and experience the British club scene, but I don't know if I can swing it. As for my studies, I'm currently attending only one class. All the others were so boring. I prefer to learn "street German." So much for news from Europe. I don't know much about what's going on, nor do I care. If I get the urge to step into the "real" world, I read Time magazine. I haven't been here long enough to know which newspaper can be trusted. Another point is that I don't get German humor or satire on the written page. Does anybody? -- Michael [redacted], Freiburg Billy Club 16__ H Street, Suite __ Sacramento, CA 95___ (916) x-x Billy Club is a subsidiary of Billy Club Desktop Publishing and is a semi-regular publication DESKTOP PUBLISHING DONE BY PROFESSIONALS! Billy Club Desktop Publishing is now available to the public! Just listen to what our satisfied customers have to say: "They printed out a chart for me once, and I couldn't be happier!" - Jeannie, Lathrop "I've depended on Billy Club for several newsletters and a couple of flyers, and Billy Club came through every time!" -- Lionel [redacted], Sacramento "I taught him everything he knows!" -- Don [redacted], Hayward Desktop publishing fees are negotiable. Void where prohibited. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 5 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 Big News & Other Stuff Vol. 2, No. 5 [Yeah, another new name.] March 19, 1990 Mike to return early Mike has had a change of plans and expects to return from Germany at the end of March, assuming his mom can afford the return airfare. Otherwise, Mike runs the risk of being stuck in Germany and getting drafted into the German Army! Or maybe being forced to return to America on a Greyhound bus driven by a replacement driver! Please, don't let this happen! Give now to the "Bring Mike Home" fund! Doug due late April (for a couple weeks) Here's Doug's itinerary after leaving Yankeetown, Florida [Dick & Alberta Krueger's winter home]: Clearwater, Florida; Sanibel Island; Corkscrew Swamp; Everglades City; Tamiami Trail; Everglades National Park; Florida Keys (Key Largo, Key West); Miami Beach; Hollywood; Fort Lauderdale; Pompano Beach; Boca Raton; Lake Worth; Palm Beach; Cape Canaveral (here he will be seeing two cousins, Irene Poutinsen and Alice Robinette, and is also scheduled to be an observer on the next space shuttle); Tallahassee; Montgomery, Alabama; Jackson, Mississippi; Rockport, Texas (visit Uncle Lenny); Arizona (bird watching); Cupertino, California (Mother's Day show at Vallco Fashion Park-4/30-5/13) [will be available to accept birthday gifts]; Sacramento; southern California; Sacramento; across the country to the east coast; across the ocean to England; Paris, France; Casablanca; Beirut; Calcutta; Borneo; Melbourne, Australia; Honolulu, Hawaii; Los Angeles, California. Make your reservations now for "Doug's World Tour"! Dad elected Lionel Holmes, aka Dad, of Sacramento has been elected as a "Corresponding Member" of the Instituto Historico da Ilha Terceira, a world-renowned institution in the Azores that needs no explanation here. What is a"corresponding member"? "It means I'm entitled to membership privileges," Dad explained. Why was Dad elected? "Probably has something to do with that book I wrote," said Dad. "I hope this means I get free trips to the Azores!" Don builds computer Don, recovering computeraholic, has built a PC-type computer all by himself, from scratch! "I was deeply moved and inspired by an article in The Holmes Family Newsletter, [Vol. 1, No. 7] on how John was building a motorcycle from scratch," Don explained. "I'm so proud of him!," added Diane, with a tear in her eye. Chance wins in Oakland! Not so lucky in Pleasanton On March 3, Chance (call me "Chancer") [redacted], a Rottweiler from Lathrop, won the "Open Bitch" class in an Oakland dog show. Chance's handler, Lucy, who was making a comeback of sorts after being out of action for over a year and a half, stated "We thought for sure she'd go on to win the 'Overall.' But no such luck." "We should have won," said Jeannie, owner/breeder. "Next week, we'll try a different handler." Well, the next show was in Pleasanton. And Chance made "the cut" (top twelve), but failed to come away with any ribbons. Chance has won five times throughout her career and has yet to come away with any points. (15 points makes a champion). But she's not giving up. She's slated to compete in the "Raisin Circuit" which consists of shows in Tulare, Visalia, Fresno and Bakersfield. Bill starts school On March 5, Bill returned to school after a ten-year absence. We asked Bill what he will be studying, and he said, "I'm not sure. But the course lasts seven months. So, I feel confident I'll figure it out by then." Conan speaks! Diane and Don's cat, Conan, astounded everyone the other day. Lights from the heavens shone down on him and angels sang as Conan announced that he is, in fact, L. Ron Hubbard reincarnated. "We suspected it all along," said Diane knowingly. "Just look at the similarities," Don added. "They share the same birthday, March 13; they both have, or had, red hair. I could go on and on!" "He could go on and on," Diane confirmed. Miscellany Remember that disturbing story in the previous issue about RC Cola changing its design? Well, guess what? Dad's Old-Fashioned Root Beer has done the same thing! What is going on here?! Jacoby & Meyers, the fast-food chain of law firms, claims"We've been on your side since 1972." Whose side were they on before that? Don seems to attract earthquakes. Everywhere he goes, there's an earthquake. He was in San Francisco on Oct. 17 for that 7.0 quake, and he was in L. A. on March 28 for their 5.5 temblor. "earthquakes are fun!", says Don. So, next time Don calls and says he plans to visit, be prepared. Speaking of earthquakes, did you know Lucy has a chunk of Oakland's Nimitz Freeway in her living room? "We had to knock down a wall to make room for it," Lucy explains. "But I like it. It goes nicely with the fireplace." And her son Mike promises to bring back a piece of the Berlin Wall when he returns from Germany. What is it with the [redacted] family? Innocent rock collecting? I don't think so. Watched "Sacramento's finest" arrest a drug dealer living in my apartment complex. It was good, wholesome Friday evening entertainment, although a little anticlimactic. There wasn't any gunplay, or anything. By the time they brought the guy and his girlfriend out in handcuffs, both the Police and the suspects were laughing it up like they were best buddies, or something. That was a bit strange. You know, I'm growing increasingly upset by those Foster Farms commercials espousing the virtues of "beautiful downtown Livingston." Now, I've been to Livingston many times, and I cannot see any resemblance between those commercials and what I've seen in person! Also, in the same vein, there was a t.v. movie on Wednesday, the 14th, which supposedly took place in Minnesota, but was actually filmed in downtown Sacramento and West Sacramento! How can they get away with stuff like this? And why wasn't I notified they were filming so I could maybe get into a crowd scene? It really ticks me off. If I knew or cared who my Congressman was, I'd write to him. MEDICAL UPDATE Dad, our medical reporter, is happy to report that Uncle Lenny has successfully undergone an aortic aneurysm operation and is now home from the hospital and resting comfortably. UPCOMING EVENTS Easter Potluck Dinner When: 1 PM, April 15 (Easter) Where: Steve & Denise's Why: Because LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "I enjoyed your Billy Club newsletter very much. It's always very nice to hear from you." - Grandma, Oakland CA "Your story ["One of Those Days"] was interesting, but we focus on peace, human rights and environmental themes. Continue to spread peace." - Ray GoForth, "Bad Haircut" (a periodical) [Yeah, right.] "I'm writing to you because I had some extra scratch paper to get rid of. Nothing personal. . . I just got my mail yesterday after 2 1/2 months! . . . I thought I would get mail from some other members of the family after I sent all that info about our family tree, but Nooooooo! . . . I blame it on your newsletter. I bet letters between the family have dropped dramatically since you started last year with that darn thing. I hope you get what's coming. ... By the way, why don't you name the newsletter "Club Billy" or "Trash Times" or "Holmes Chronicle" or "Dead Beat" or even "The Bogus News." These more perfectly describe that filth you call journalism! . . . Have a nice day. - Doug, raving lunatic, former roving reporter FASCINATING FACTS The "ZIP" in "ZIP Code" stands for "zoning improvement plan." The botanical name for celery is apium graveolens dulce. You should roast a duck at 325° about 30 minutes per pound. Saudi Arabia does not adhere to the international time zone system. [Should have known] Linoleum was invented in 1860. There are 86 acceptable two-letter Scrabble words. Fifty cents is the proper tip to give a restroom attendant. WANTED: Roving Reporter Successful applicant will be detail-oriented, flexible, willing to travel, enjoy working long hours without pay, have own tools, clean DMV record, and know how to drive a forklift. Duties include: heavy phones, heavy lifting, light typing, some janitorial. Must have BA, Ph.D., IQ or WD40. No experience necessary. Excellent benefits. Send resume with salary history and recent photo to this newsletter. Allow 6 to 8 weeks for response. HOROSCOPE If you were born between March 21 and April 19, you are an ARIES and you are "bold, impulsive, confident and independent." I guess that means if you're a man, you're a real manly man. And if you're a woman, you're a pain in the ass. [I can see the hate mail coming already!] Your favorite team is the Los Angeles Rams; you like to set things on fire; and your all-time favorite t.v. show was "My Favorite Martian." MAUDLIN WANDERER Visited my old stomping grounds, the downtown bus depot. And, yeah, the memories came flooding back. I remember Ol' Clem the Pegleg. Me and Ol' Clem used to sit out in the alley where the buses come in. We didn't do nothing. Just kind of sat there. But, oh boy, were those good times. Once'n a while we'd maybe stand up and lean against the wall. Of course, this was kinda tricky for Ol' Clem, 'cuz of his pegleg, and all. But he always managed to find a way. He could lean with the best of 'em. When we got really rambunctious, we'd have spitting contests. Clem usually won. I wonder whatever happened to Ol' Clem. Last I heard, he was stuck in the luggage compartment in a bus headed for Tallahassee. UNO MAS BLOOD ON THE BLACKTOP The capacity crowd was chanting "Blood on the blacktop! We want blood! Blood on the blacktop! We want blood!" as they awaited the start of the big tennis showdown between Steve and Bill. Steve sneered and issued an evil cackle. Vultures hovered overhead. Bill laughed and tore off his shirt. The glare was blinding. Bill was first to serve, and he tossed the ball high into the air, leaned back and stroked the ball with incredible precision ... right into the net. The crowd went wild! Bill finally settled down, however, and managed to win the first game. Now it was Steve's turn to serve. And he bounced the ball once. He bounced the ball twice. He bounced ... well, you know. Finally, he served. And to everyone's surprise, it made it over the net! The crowd went wild! This sort of thing went on and on, with Bill serving next, then Steve, then Bill again, like that, until the first set was over and Steve had won six games to Bill's two. Steve had won the set and match, two sets to one! The crowd went wild! But wait, it wasn't over yet. Bill wanted to make it best of five sets. And this time, they'd be playing by L.A. rules, i.e., if it looks good and sounds good, then it must be good. It didn't matter, Steve won this set, too, five games to two. For tickets to the next showdown, call Bill. Major credit cards accepted. BOOK TALK This week, Eleanor, our staff book reader, suggests a few books worth reading. Anything for Billy by Larry McMurtry Billy Bathgate by E.L. Doctorow The Skull Beneath the Skin by P.D. James [With two out of three having the name "Billy" in the title, you know they're worth reading.] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 6 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 the NEWS Vol. 2, No. 6, April 16, 1990 [Back in spite of popular demand.] WORLD NEWS Mike is back from Germany and looking very European. (Fancy haircut, pale complexion, but otherwise healthy.) He's having trouble getting used to speaking English again. But then, he always did have trouble with that. Greg visited Sacramento last week to report that June's vegetable garden is doing very well. "I can't even name all the things she's growing. It boggles the mind," says Greg. Don has come up with a new board game that's sure to sweep the nation. It's called "Holy Wars." It has something to do with Mennonites, Drunkards and Assyrians. See Don for details. SOCIETY NEWS Well, Denise's Easter dinner was a rousing success. Everybody was there. The food was good. Diane gave free back adjustments and chiropractic opinions. Dad told bad jokes nobody laughed at. ("Went right over their heads," Dad explained.) Everybody wanted to know where Mike was. Grandma drank a lot of water. Thomas and Tiffany caused $37,000 worth of property damage. Doug called from Uncle Lenny's house and talked to everybody until Bill hung up on him. In other words, it was the usual family gathering. SPORTS Bill and Steve are still playing tennis regularly. Steve wins just a little more often than Bill. Mike and Bill played tennis a couple weeks ago. Bill won, but as Mike explains, "I was just out there to get a tan, anyway." Steve, Denise and Bill went miniature golfing last week. Actually, they went bowling but couldn't get a lane. So they took the next logical step and went golfing. Of course, Steve tried to cheat and, after 18 holes, said he'd won by one shot. But Bill demanded a recount and, sure enough, Bill had won by four shots. Steve has been placed on miniature suspension. Jeannie and Lucy showed Chance in another dog show in Sacramento on Easter Sunday. We can only assume Chance didn't win because Jeannie didn't want to talk about it. Hockey News: Last week the Los Angeles Kings (no relation to the Sacramento Kings) eliminated the defending champion Calgary Flames four games to two in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Horse News: The California harness racing circuit returns to Cal-Expo on Friday, May 4. The Kentucky Derby will be in Kentucky on May 5. The Derby favorite will be Mister Frisky, but I'm picking Summer Squall, especially if it rains (no pun intended). BIRTHDAYS Greg Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 7 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 the NEWS Vol. 2, No. 7, May 1, 1990 [Editor's Note: We would like to apologize for that last issue, but we won't. We'd like to say it'll never happen again, but hey...] Mike gets job Mike has taken a job as a process server for a Modesto private investigation firm. He had job offers coming in from everywhere, of course, but Mike chose to be a process server. Sounds like detective work is in the blood. "I just wish they'd let me carry a gun," said Mike. Bill rides bus Bill and his friend Gabriel, aka Ganga, went to Tahoe recently. And playing nothing but blackjack at the $2 tables, it took Bill only two hours to accumulate a whopping $45 profit! He was ready to go home a rich man. But Ganga didn't want to leave yet, and since Ganga was driving Bill stuck around. Eight hours later, after non-stop gambling without the aid of drugs, Bill found himself down $100. "I don't know what happened!", Bill sobbed. "I had all this money one minute. And the next minute, it's gone. They shouldn't allow ATMs in casinos." Then Ganga left town and Bill was forced to take a Greyhound bus (driven by a replacement driver!) back to Sacramento! Actually, Ganga hadn't left town at all. He had gotten into a fight, somebody called the cops, and he had to move his truck. But by the time Bill found that out, he was back home in Sacramento and it didn't really matter. Doug starts show Doug has set up his Mother's Day show at Bay Fair Mall in San Leandro. He will be singing and dancing and selling plaques. He'll probably be there until Mother's Day. Don't miss it! Steve sweeps floor The other day during a Sierra Club volleyball game, a girl lost a diamond earring on the court. And Steve swept into action, literally. While Bill leaned against the wall, looking extremely concerned, Steve swept the entire volleyball court until he found that earring. "It was nothing," said Steve. "She would have done the same for me." What a guy! Dad drives car Last week Dad passed another milestone, not to be confused with a gallstone, in his illustrious driving career. Are you ready for this? -- the odometer on his car passed 100,000 miles!! "I always knew he could do it," said Eleanor. BIRTHDAYS AND OTHER NATIONAL HOLIDAYS DENISE May Day Cinco de Mayo Kentucky Derby DOUG Mother's Day Newsletter Anniversary CELEBRITY NEWS Our roving reporters spotted Cal Worthington at, of all places, Worthington Chevrolet in Sacramento! Sorry fans, we didn't get his autograph. Met Capt. (Exon) Hazelwood's nephew in Woodland! We were playing frisbee golf and he was passed out under a tree when we first saw him. It wasn't until later that he introduced himself. READER OF THE MONTH This month's recipient of the coveted Reader of the Month Award is JEANNIE BROUNS of Lathrop. She has forever endeared herself to our staff (and insured plenty of ink in future newsletters) by actually sending us money ($25,000) [we might have accidentally added three zeroes] to keep the newsletter going! We would like to encourage others to do the same. In fact, if we don't receive another $25,000 by next Tuesday, we're not sending out anymore newsletters! Direct deposit is available. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 8 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 2, No. 8 "Anniversary Issue" May 25, 1990 [Editor's Note: This is the big one! The big enchilada. The killer tomato. It's the anniversary issue! (Aren't you excited?) It was one year ago today that a young man with a dream founded "The Holmes Family Newsletter," only to be arrested and declared criminally insane the following week. From his cell, our founder says "Hi ... have you seen my socks?"] Steve wins lawsuit Steve's dental malpractice lawsuit has finally been settled. We can't tell you how much money he got because there's a clause in the settlement agreement forbidding disclosure of the amount. However, a reliable source has hinted at seven figures. In a related story, Steve is now wearing braces. "Just call me 'Metal Mouth'", says Steve. Bill wins lottery Bill picked four numbers in the May 12th Lotto and won $640,000! Unfortunately, eleven thousand other people also picked four numbers and Bill's share was only $58. "I'm upset," said Bill. "I already had that money spent." Don & Diane build bed Don and Diane have built one of those old fashioned four-poster beds with a canopy, except there's no canopy and the mattress is where the canopy should be."Kinda like a tree fort," says Don. Tours are given daily 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Bring a ladder. Diane leads expedition Diane led a recent expedition through Desolation Wilderness (near Tahoe). Don, expedition spokesman, said the purpose of their mission was to make contact with alien life forms. Doug, the expedition cameraman, videotaped the whole thing. Bill was there also, but only lasted one night. "The last I saw of him," said Doug,"he was wrestling with a bear. But he's always doing that." "I think he was abducted by aliens," said Don gravely. Diane added, "We may never know what happened, really." On the second night, it snowed and the expedition team was forced to hike back to the truck in the dark while coyotes followed, watching, drooling. Mike gets promotion, puts in patio Has Barbecue [that about says it all] Your Environment and You With Doug NEWS: So, what have you got to say for yourself? DOUG: Well, if you haven't already been recycling your household waste, there's never been a better time to start! NEWS: What if you already have started? DOUG: Shut up. Your town may have a curb-side recycling program, and then again, maybe not. Even if it doesn't, you can recycle at least 75% of your trash! Let's run through the list of what can be recycled. Newspaper. Some places want it in paper grocery bags. Others want it bundled up with string. Letter paper. Junk mail, like this newsletter . . . NEWS: Hey, watch it. DOUG: ... can be recycled. Envelopes with windows should have the windows removed. Computer paper. Some places want this separated from other paper since it's higher quality. Magazines. I always remove the staples. It may not be necessary, it's just something I like to do. Cardboard. Things like cereal boxes, milk cartons, etc. Just put it all into a big cardboard container ... NEWS: Like a refrigerator box? DOUG: That'll work. Fold things flat and pack it all in tightly. Grocery stores and some malls take cardboard. Glass. All peanut butter and mayonnaise jars, juice and beer bottles and the like. You should separate the colored from the clear glass. Metal. Tuna and vegetable cans, jar lids and such. NEWS: Wait a minute. What was that about beer bottles and separating the coloreds? DOUG: I said 'separate the colored bottles from the clear ones.' NEWS: Oh. DOUG: Aluminum. Some places have machines outside the store that pay for your aluminum. Other machines give you a ticket and you have to go inside the store to get the money. I just find the nearest bum. NEWS: And do what? DOUG: And give him my cans! Pay attention. Plastic bottles. Most places only accept beverage bottles (since they have to by law), but there are some rare places that accept motor oil bottles. If you put any other plastic into the receptacles outside stores it only ends up in the local dump, or "sanitary landfills." For the time being, you just have to throw out all other plastic packaging that isn't listed here. The problem is that there are many different resin types and they can't be mixed. NEWS: I see. DOUG: Oil. Take your old motor oil to a gas station or auto repair shop. The best solution to reducing your throw-away trash is to reduce the amount you buy at the store. If you save bread bags, you can bring 2 or 3 to the store to hold your vegetables or fruit instead of using the plastic bags they provide. Avoid buying items in plastic bottles when glass is available. Buy milk in cartons instead of plastic. Same goes for eggs. Don't ever buy things in styrofoam packaging! NEWS: If we catch you doing so, you will be shot. DOUG: Carry a durable tote bag to the store like they do in Europe, or re-use the paper bags they give you. Don't ever use the plastic grocery bags. Don't believe it when bags say they are "degradable in sunlight." Bags get buried before they ever get a chance to degrade. NEWS: Why, those no good ... DOUG: A few stores, very few, will recycle the plastic bags they give out. If you're only getting a couple items, tell them you don't need a bag. NEWS: Stuff things into your pockets! DOUG: Uh, yeah. Pay for it first, though. There's a number you can call if you don't know where to take your recyclables: 1-800-225-5333. You can also call local authorities such as City Hall, the Mayor's Office . . . NEWS: The Police. An ambulance! DOUG: If you want. Or recycling centers in the Yellow Pages. You may be able to get rid of things at your office . . . NEWS: Assuming you have a job. DOUG: Would you stop interrupting?! NEWS: Sorry. Go on. DOUG: Well, now I'm done. Miscellany Can you believe it?! You get four out of six numbers in the lottery, and all you win is $58!!? Have you heard about the support group for people who talk too much? It's called "Onandonanon." Eric McGovern, of Monrovia, CA, is a brown belt in karate and has two cats. Eric is Doug and Bill's friend, though he's more Doug's friend than Bill's. Bill used to play racquetball with him. But then, Doug used to play pool with him. So what carries more weight, pool or racquetball? Did you know the CHP uses radar even though they're not supposed to? Well, they do. Just one more reason to overthrow the government. So, what do you think the new name for "manholes" should be? How about "sewer-holes"? Can you believe this story made the national news? If I had any civic pride, I'd be embarrassed. They say the "average" person moves just twice in their lifetime. Do you know anyone who's only moved twice? Steve's eyes, once brown, are now green! -- raising speculation that Steve's body has been taken over by aliens. He has been acting strange lately. Speaking of aliens, Don and Diane have a new cat. It's name is Bart and has yet to come out of the closet. [place joke here] Quotes to Remember "I've always liked pants made from pool table tops." -Diane "What kind of singing and dancing does Doug do at his shows?" -Grandma Sporting News "Unbridled" won the Kentucky Derby. Summer Squall finished 2nd and Mister Frisky (the favorite) finished 8th. Two weeks later, Summer Squall came back to win the Preakness, with Unbridled finishing 2nd and Mister Frisky a distant 3rd. Summer Squall will not compete in the Belmont Stakes. Hockey's Stanley Cup finalists this year are the Boston Bruins and Edmonton Oilers. At this writing, Edmonton led the seven game series 2 to 1. In basketball, the playoffs are down to Detroit v. Chicago and Phoenix v. Portland. Detroit and Portland should win their series, with Detroit winning the championship again. In baseball, the Oakland A's are leading the AL West, while the S.F. Giants are somewhere near the bottom of the NL West. We predict this year's World Series will be between the A's (3rd year in a row) and the Pittsburgh Pirates, with the A's winning it all. In tennis, Bill defeated Doug 6-3, 6-2 on Monday. "I let him win," said Doug. Then Doug got his revenge on Tuesday, winning 6-0, 6-3. "The sun was in my eyes," said Bill. In volleyball, Steve's league team is doing well. "We expect to make the playoffs," he says. Watch for Doug to maybe make a cameo appearance with the team soon. Letters to the Editor "I am sorry you lost your money at Tahoe. It would be best to stay away from Tahoe. I am sorry that I am not able to send $25,000 to help the newsletter, so I am sending you some stamps." -- Grandma, Oakland "My two week stay with Uncle Lenny was really a delight. I drained him of all information having to do with theside of the Holmes family -- nothing left but a hulk. So, I'm now the expert and will soon be writing up everything I know in the form of a book of some sort. In addition, I made use of Lenny's video camera and started a movie project which will be the story of our ancestors in picture form. To top it all off, I've got a video of Lenny telling the story of his father, Emil [redacted], and a video with the story of the Liska family (our grandmother) and the [redacted] family in New York. Lenny has recovered from his recent operation and will be going to Germany for 18 days in June. He wanted to let everyone know that they are welcome to come visit him (in Texas, or Germany, if you want) and he would really enjoy the company. He's a great host. You wouldn't have to do much leg-pulling to get a ride in his airplane, either. He son Erich took me up for a couple hours of old time barn-storming and general hell-raising. Flying up-side-down and 15 feet above the freeway is quite a thrill! (By the way, Erich just got married to a really nice girl -- Marie.) I really do recommend that everyone take the opportunity to get to know Uncle Lenny. He's a very nice and interesting person. Lenny's address is: ?????, Rockport, TX 78382, (512) ???????. For a view of the above-mentioned videos, drop by Dad's place while I'm there (until the end of May), or I can arrange to send you a copy. Please be sure to enclose a blank check." -- Doug For Sale Puppies. German Shepherd. 3 female. 1 male. Call Lucy at (209) -. Mention this newsletter and get 10% off! Holidays, Etc. May 28 Memorial Day June 14 Flag Day June 17 Father's Day Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 9 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 WORLD NEWS "Award-Winning Journalism" Vol. 2, No. 9, June 14, 1990 Dad kills rattler! Special to the News Back from a week in the wilds of Arizona, Dad and Eleanor told of battles with man-eating coyotes and vicious attack-rattlesnakes which Dad wrestled barehanded to save countless maidens in distress from fates worse than death. Baloney aside, Dad did kill a rattlesnake and they did see a couple of coyotes on their trip to Arizona to visit Jon [redacted] and family near Scottsdale. The rattler lay in the cool of a bush just outside the living room window. A small redracer (non-venomous) snake had raised its head to have a look inside the house and they ran him off with a squirt from the garden hose, not knowing that under the same bush was the rattler, which Jon's mother-in-law spotted while the others were concentrating on the smaller one. Jon forced the rattler out with the hose and after missing with several whacks of a hoe Dad finally managed to sever the snake's head. Even with the head severed, the forked tongue kept darting in and out. Later, Eleanor was heard to say, "It kinda tasted like chicken." If you have a snake problem at your house, call Dad at 976-SNAKE. Doug shows slides Doug gave an elaborate, two-projector slide show at Dad's house recently. It was standing room only, and the crowd oohed and aahed a lot as he showed slides from his year on the road. As an added bonus there were slides of Steve and Denise's wedding, Eleanor's executive secretary days, and historical photos of illustrious Holmes family (Specht side) ancestors. Mike buys car Mike has bought a 1986 Volkswagen Jetta. It's red, has four doors, four wheels and a steering wheel. Tiffany, Thomas win race Tiffany and Thomas each won a recent foot race. Tiffany got a medal when she tied for first with her friend Joanie. Thomas didn't get any medals, for some reason, but right after winning his race he got on his bike and rode alongside his mom while she ran in her race. Speaking of Thomas's bike, he can now ride without training wheels! How many people can say that? Also, did you know Tiffany has been elected President of the Lathrop 4H? Wow! Don buys motorcycle In compliance with a Hayward city ordinance, Don has bought himself a 1978 Yamaha 750. We asked if he knows how to ride and he said, "No. Why?" SPORTS UPDATE Doug and Bill played non-stop tennis over the Memorial Day weekend. Doug won the first day, 7 to 5. On the next day, Bill won the first set 6-0 and Doug won the second, 9-7. On Memorial Day, they battled to a 4-4 tie before being kicked off the court. Tuesday, Bill won 7-6. The following Sunday, Steve and Bill played. Of course, Steve won, 7-5. After five rounds of tennis, Bill's RTA (racquet throwing average) is 2.5 throws per set. Lucy is scheduled to compete in this year's Police Olympics. They are being held in Sacramento at the end of this month. See Lucy for details. ETCETERA Steve and Denise were on t.v. (Channel 40 News) the other day. They were eating cake or something at some function or other having to do with a youth hostel or something. Doug, the Holmes family's official happy camper, and Greg & June and kids are planning a four-night camping trip in the Mammoth Lakes region beginning 4th of July. Let Doug know if you're interested. FASCINATING FACTS June is "Adopt-A-Cat" Month. So, go out there and adopt one! Next month is "Adopt-A-Fish" Month. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "[Jon and Kathy [redacted]] have a beautiful house in the midst of a couple of acres of sand, sage and cactus. Aside from the reptilian excitement and the pleasure of seeing Jon and his family after four years, high spot of the trip was our stay in Sedona, Arizona, unquestionably one of the most beautiful areas in the West. It's a photographer's paradise and a must-see for anyone who likes outdoor beauty. It's just off I-17, south of Flagstaff and north of Phoenix. We took the Tioga Pass highway (120) through Yosemite to Bishop, and then through Death Valley (yes, hot!) to the new gambling mecca of Laughlin, Nevada, on the Colorado River where Eleanor fed the machines for a bit before proceeding on to Sedona. On the return we went via Santa Ana to see Greg, June and family. We avoided the Monday-morning commute traffic through L.A. by going north through Riverside to 395 and back through Bishop, winding up at Lake Tahoe where Eleanor lost $2, and then home that Monday night. -Dad, Snake Killer, Sacramento A Saga of Seven This is a story in the style called rap that'll surely encourage an afternoon nap of a family of seven, their kids and their wives and something regarding their travels and lives. Now first there was Greg, a Brooklyn-born lad; and then it was Lucy that Mom and Dad had. She was born at Sing Sing (no, not in the jail). They left the U.S., for Brazil they set sail, and there in October, in the village Niteroi, number three joined the family, yes 'twas a boy: Estavao in Brazil, but in America, Steve; then eighteen months later all decided to leave. 'Twas São Paulo the city they all set out for, and there it was Don who became number four. But Brazil didn't like population explosion, so a return to America was the course chosen. They reached California, all well and alive, and the four were then joined by a girl, No. 5. Virginia they called her, but Jeannie will do, a redhead addition to the Holmesian crew. But that didn't end the family augmentation, for Doug soon joined the Holmes congregation. If six, why not seven, so Bill joined the crowd, and that was the end, no more were allowed. Then Lucy left home, she went and got spliced, [line NOT missing. we checked. ed.] and soon came a boy, Michael was his name, destined in time for disk-jockey fame. Greg then thought married life would be dandy, so he wed June, had Aileen, Brian, Andy. Jeannie was next to leave the Holmes fold; she and John formed their own household, and Tiffany and Thomas before long begat, also acquiring a horse, dog and cat. Next it was Don's turn, and to Reno he ran, plighting his troth with Doctor Diane. Then followed Steve, the mathematician; now he and Denise await an addition. Five down, two left: it's Doug and it's who'll be next? D'ya think they ever will? Surely this is the poorest of poems, but what d'ya expect for a family named Holmes? [Anonymous Wendell Holmes] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 10 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 Things You Need To Know Vol. 2, No. 10, July 16, 1990 "Pioneer Portuguese" now available World famous Portuguese historian Lionel Holmes's latest work is now available at a store near you. Don't be surprised if they're sold out. Sales have been brisk. Quick, order one today! Dad had his picture taken and will be interviewed today, Monday, by the local Sacramento publication Neighbors. Neighbors appears as an insert every Thursday in the Sacramento Bee. Doug chases bear; survives Doug, Greg, June, Aileen, Bryan, Andy and Don went camping over the 4th of July weekend at Twin Lakes which is near Yosemite. Doug spotted a black bear and immediately chased after it in a screaming rampage, intent on providing dinner for the party. Bryan was right behind Doug, also in a screaming rampage, but fearing for the bear's safety, Greg stopped him. Doug never did catch the bear but got some great video footage. Doug, Jeannie & kids are planning another camping trip in the middle of August somewhere near Tahoe. See Doug or Jeannie for details. Doug plans family documentary National Geographic has commissioned Doug to do an in-depth documentary called "The Holmes Family: Where Do They Come From, And Why Are They Here?" There will be videotaped interviews of all the Holmes Family children and everyone is urged to compete, er, participate. BIRTHDAYS, ETC. John "Lumpy" Andy "Big Boy" Steve A. John & Jeannie's Anniversary FURNITURE UPDATE Denise and Steve have gone and bought a piano. It's a beautiful little spinet. Bill, our roving piano tester, tested the piano the other day and reports,"It sounds great! If I only knew how to play, it would've sounded even better." In other furniture news, we're happy to report that Don and Diane's elevated bed is still elevated. SPORTS UPDATE Lucy of Livingston, CA, silver medalist in last year's Police Olympics 30K Run, ran again this year and our roving reporters were there. How did she do? Well, we'll just let Lucy answer that one. "I finished, didn't I?" Steve ran with her for the last few miles, just to make people at the finish line think he ran the full distance. But there wasn't anyone at the finish line but our roving reporters, and they were too busy roving and reporting to notice. In less important sporting events like World Cup soccer, it was a repeat of 1986 with Argentina vs. West Germany in the finals, except that this time West Germany won. Of course, Team USA never made it past the preliminary round. They're not a bad team, really. Maybe they'll do better in '94 when they'll have the home field advantage. In tennis at Wimbledon, Stefan Edberg defeated Boris Becker and Martina Navratilova beat Zina Garrison. Bill never made it past the preliminary rounds, in the women's division. It was embarrassing. In "that Tour de France thing", defending champion American Greg LeMond was at this writing running third, with half of France yet to cover. STUPID STORIES [This week's installment of "Stupid Stories" features a delightful little story by a struggling young "artist" who requests anonymity. This story was originally panned by one of our literary critics, Lucy, but we're printing it anyway.] REMMY GETS GAS Remmy pulled into the gas station and jumped out of his pickup. He went to the rear of the truck, checked his reflection in the camper shell window, smiled at himself, and slid the gas nozzle into the tank. He left the pump on automatic and wandered over to a soda machine sitting next to the cashier's booth. He calmly, coolly slid a few coins into the coin slot and pressed his selection. Nothing happened. He pulled on the coin return handle. Still nothing. He hit the machine a couple of times with the heel of his hand. Nothing. Finally, he backed up a step or two, checked to see no one was looking and kicked the soda machine. "Ouch," he said, hopping on one foot. While he hopped, the soda machine began to smoke, hiss and belch. This was something new. Probably not good, he thought, but something, at least. The gas station attendant looked up from under the hood of a car at the sound of the soda machine's convulsions. He was holding someone's dipstick in his hand. He slowly wiped the dipstick off with a rag, pointed it at Remmy, and shouted something. But Remmy never heard him because that's when the soda machine exploded. The force of the blast, plus the fact that he was balancing on one foot, knocked Remmy to the ground. The station attendant dropped the dipstick and started toward Remmy. Remmy saw him coming, picked himself up off the ground and made a dash for his truck. With the station attendant hot on his trail, Remmy leaped onto his truck's hood, slid down the other side, opened the door and jumped into the cab -- all in the space of about two seconds. And his tires were squealing as he pulled out into the street. A moment later, Remmy heard a clattering noise coming from the side of his truck. It was the gas hose. He'd forgotten to pull it out. He sneaked a peek out the rear view mirror to get a better look at the havoc he had wrought. What he saw through the dirty windows of the camper shell was a blackened soda machine tipped over on its face and, in the foreground, the gas hose writhing on the ground like a wounded snake, bleeding gasoline in every direction. And Remmy felt bad about this. Guilt consumed him. The ruined soda machine; the inadvertently stolen tank of gas; the bleeding gas hose. It was almost too much to bear. But what could he do? He thought about going back and paying for the damages, but didn't. He wasn't feeling that guilty. Financial considerations were always the best defense against guilt. Wait a minute! What was that he just said? Financial considerations were the best defense against guilt! Of course! It was so simple! And yet, somehow, so profound. Remmy repeated it over and over to himself, "Financial considerations ... financial considerations ..." He wrote it down so he wouldn't forget. And Remmy was never the same again. He later formed his own religion. THE END [If you have a stupid story like this one that you'd like to contribute, simply write to: "Stupid Stories", P.O. Box 0, Chicago, IL 60609.] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 11 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 the NEWSLETTER Vol. 2, No. 11, August 13, 1990 Doug makes pilgrimage Doug, aka "Sluggo", made a pilgrimage to the Mormon church's genealogical library in Salt Lake City over a week ago and hasn't been seen since! Several theories have been put forward in an effort to explain his missingness, but we think . . . [Update: He's just called the paper to say he's been converted to Mormonism and will be spending the rest of his life in Salt Lake City.] Jim to be wed Jim [redacted], Eleanor's grandson, is engaged to be married this month. Both Jim and his bride-to-be, Lindie, work for the fire department. Congratulations! Dad shows slides Dad and Eleanor broke into Steve and Denise's home recently and gave a slide show. The show focused on Steve's life from birth to present day. It was very exciting. As an added bonus, Denise and Bill took turns playing the piano. Then they all gathered round the piano and sang "Oh If Had The Wings Of An Angel" until the cops came and broke it up. Tiffany wins 4-H events Tiffany has done it again. At a recent 4-H competition, she got the best score for dog handling, horse handling and pig handling! Also on the [redacted] front, Thomas has a new Nintendo game! It's non-stop action at the [redacted]'s! Bill back to work After a seven month vacation, Bill has returned to the temporary word processing world from whatever world he's been in. No, he hasn't finished school. He's just run out of money. "What a drag," said Bill. Denise throws party fight breaks out Steve and Denise hosted another Pictionary® party this past weekend, except they didn't play Pictionary, they played Scattergories®. Bill was there, of course. But he was caught cheating and sent home early. Steve was cheating also and Denise had to lock him in the closet. No fights actually broke out, but it sure makes for a great headline, doesn't it? INTERVIEW This week, we're talking with John of Lathrop, California. He's about to embark on a trip to South Dakota. The indented paragraphs are John's responses. Newsetter: So, you're going to ride your bike to Sturgis, South Dakota? John: Already went there and came back. Newsetter: Oh. Well, how far is it to Sturgis? John: Depends which way you go. For you, it would probably be about 3,000 miles. For most people, it's about 1300 miles. Newsetter: What kind of bike did you ride -- BMX, 10-speed, mountain bike -- what? John: Harley. Newsetter: Don't they make motorcycles? John: I think so. Newsetter: Did you happen to see Doug anywhere along the way? John: Doug who? Newsetter: Never mind. So, what did you do when you got to Sturgis? John: Turned around and came back. MISCELLANEOUS Steve, Denise and Bill went to the harness races the other day -- and won! Every bet they placed was a winner! Bill won $40, Denise won enough to buy a coke, and Steve doubled his money -- $3! "I'm coming here every day!" said an excited Steve. Don't tell Steve, but the horses have moved on to southern California. Are you looking for a few good sleazy bars to go to in Sacramento? Well, purely for research, we've checked out a few and came up with these: "The Hereford House", Riverside at Broadway. Good food, but overpriced. Lopsided pool table, but about the only one in town. Anyone you meet there, you'll never want to see again. "Club 65", 65th Street at (?). No food, no pool, just drinks. Plenty of drunks to talk to. Sleaziest bar we could find. "Pine Cove", aka "Pine Cone", 28th & E Streets. A real dive. Only one beer available (Pabst), but it's cheap. In case you haven't received your copy of Neighbors in which there's an article on Lionel Holmes, famous author, local celebrity (left), we've printed bits and pieces of it below: "D'Alessandro's grandparents . . . owned the land where Holmes lives today." ". . . principal author Holmes notes, 'Some of them eventually died very wealthy.'" "Holmes guided me on a tour of the Pocket/ Greenhaven area. He showed me the site of the ancestral home of his grandparents -- the Silveiras . . . -- where, as a young boy, he was sent by his parents from their home in Oakland to spend the summers working on the farm and playing baseball." The book itself answers very serious questions about life, like: WHO ARE THE PORTUGUESE? -- Page 1. WHY DID THEY LEAVE? -- Page 15. WHERE DID THEY GO? -- Page 23. WHAT WAS PRINCE HENRY THE NAVIGATOR'S MIDDLE NAME? -- Page 4. Stuff like that. We haven't gotten past page 23 yet. But when we do, we'll file another report. Stay tuned for next week's "Best Gutters to Pass Out In"! LETTERS TO THE EDITOR How often does your newsletter come out -- every two weeks or every three weeks? -Grandma [This newsletter uses what we like to call a "floating deadline." In other words, we put it out whenever we feel like it. P.S. -- Thanks for the stamp money.] Several errors have been made in the past couple issues of your newsletter, and I think it's about time somebody said something. First of all, you said Thomas didn't get a medal for the race he won. Well, he did! Secondly, you said John's birthday was July 1. But, it's July 2! You had it right last year. What happened? You've been making errors left and right! Either you get it together, or I'll cancel my subscription! -Jeannie [Thank you for your lovely letter and your interest in this newsletter. Have a nice day.] THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Don't believe everything you read. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 12 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Newsletter Vol. 2 No. 12, September 17, 1990 "Your Only News Source" It's a girl!! We asked Denise if she could hurry up and have the baby because we wanted to put out this issue. And, sure enough, she had the baby two weeks early! Wasn't that nice? The bouncing baby girl, Kristen, was born sometime after midnight, September 9, and Denise and the baby are already home. But you probably knew that already. Doug returns Doug returned from Salt Lake City after all and through his genealogical research he's compiled an impressive-looking family tree. It was someone else's family, but hey, it's impressive. Also, Doug has just recently moved his belongings from Ventura to Sacramento. "I wanted to be closer to The Newsletter," said Doug. Lucy lodges protest From her home high up in the hills of Livingston, Lucy has filed a formal protest against this newsletter. It seems we forgot to mention her birthday in the previous issue, and she's upset. What does she want? We mentioned her birthday last year! How were we to know she actually reads this thing?! Steve pulls teeth Steve got his wisdom teeth pulled a couple weeks before the baby was born, just for the hell of it. "Well," explained Steve, "I was sitting there one day just wondering what to do, you know. And Denise suggested I get my teeth pulled. I said to myself 'Yeah, that's a great idea!'" And so that's what he did. Bill burns down house Well, almost. You see, Bill was sitting there watching a Giants game, talking to Doug on the phone and cooking some chicken for dinner all at the same time, when he noticed the oven was smoking. Of course, it always smokes because Bill never cleans it. But this time, it caught fire! Bill immediately hung up the phone and ran down to his car where he keeps a fire extinguisher. With the extinguisher, he quickly doused the flames. A couple minutes later, the Fire Department showed up, but due to Bill's quick thinking the Fire Department was not needed. The firemen commended Bill for having a fire extinguisher, told him to go to Colonel Sanders' if he wanted chicken, and then they left. Movie review Go see the new film "Pump Up The Volume"! It's basically a documentary about Mike and his radio show. "It's not often they make a movie for me," says Mike. Speaking of Mike, he's been busy interviewing rock superstars for his college radio station KCSS in Turlock. Just a few weeks ago, for example, he interviewed the main guy from one of his favorite bands! As soon as we remember the name of the guy or his band, we'll let you know. Speaking of interviews, don't forget to make an appointment to be videotaped for Doug's family epic. He's set up his studio at Dad & Eleanor's house. And Doug's first subject/victim was Bill. Here's what Bill had to say about it all -I'm a far, far better person for having done this interview. Besides, I think I look great on camera!" You see! If Bill looked great, just think how good you'll look! That's all that really matters, anyway. Isn't it? From our files FACT: Of the 25 largest U.S. cities, you'll most likely get robbed in New York City, get your car stolen in Boston, and then be murdered in Washington D.C. Just something to think about next time you travel. (Source: New York magazine.) FACT: Jeannie has, at one time or another, owned almost every kind of animal there is -- horses, dogs, cats, turtles, rabbits, fish, hampsters, mice, and of course those two fruit bats she kept hidden in the closet for a year. She, or her family, currently owns two dogs, two rabbits, a horse and a cat. Of her two dogs, one is one of Lucy's German shepherd puppies. And, speaking of Lucy's puppies, there are still two left. "Prices have been slashed," says Lucy. This just in: Eleanor doesn't have a middle name! Can you believe it?! Editor's Note: That poem "A Saga of Seven" a few issues back was written by Dad, not Anonymous the Poet, as some believed. Couldn't you tell? There have been rumors that Dad's newsletter, O Progresso, and this newsletter, The Newsletter, will be merging into one big newsletter called O Shit! A girl named Lucy This is a story 'bout a girl named Lucy Otherwise known as "The Rappin' Watusi" She lays down a beat that gets your toes tappin' If your toes get tired, let your fingers do the snappin' She says "Hey buddy, don't you be no square" If you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair" Okay, so you've heard those words before, but she don't care. She's the girl next door Does that make sense? It just doesn't matter It just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter So next time you see this girl, just say Sorry I forgot. Happy Birthday, anyway! - Billy Bob Joe Jim Holmes Birthdays Lucy June Kristen Aileen Tiffany Grandma Steve [Did we miss anybody?] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 13 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 Hometown News Vol. 2, No. 13, October 20, 1990 [Editor's Note: This is most definitely the last issue.] Bill graduates! After seven months, Bill has finally completed his computer programming course! The school, MTI Business College (a school Bill recommends, though not for computer programming) had a graduation ceremony and everything; complete with caps and gowns (a wonderful evening gown, great for any formal occasion). Now maybe Bill will get a real job. Maybe. Doug starts show Doug has already begun his Christmas season art show. This year it's in Lancaster, which is north of Los Angeles, south of Bakersfield, west of Las Vegas and east of Ventura. And this time he's got a new product, personalized mugs. They're reportedly selling like hotcakes. So, place your orders early! Don buys motorcycle Yeah, another one. Now he has three -- one for touring, one for daily commuting, and one with training wheels for Diane. Speaking of threesomes, Diane and Don also have three cats -- one for show (Bart), one for protection (Conan), and one with training wheels (DOS). BIRTHDAYS, ETC. Halloween Bill Election Day Diane Thomas Thanksgiving THE ELECTIONS AND YOU [Editor's Note: The following article is solely the opinion of its author. This newsletter accepts no responsibility for its content or any consequences therefrom, thereby or therewith.] With the November 6th elections just around the corner, there's a chance to make yourself heard once again. So get out there, team, and vote, vote, vote! (Bill made me hype this up, I swear!) [No he didn't.] With Wilson or Feinstein, our future looks bleak. [Vote for Steve! He's running for governor this year.] But there is another area where there's still hope -- the environment. Let me show you how I'll vote. And if you vote against me you'll be omitted from the upcoming Holmes family documentary. [That's a threat.] Prop 125 -- Public Mass Transit Act. VOTE YES Prop 126 -- Legislature's alcohol tax measure. VOTE NO Prop 128 -- "Big Green". Cuts pollution. VOTE YES Prop 130 -- Forest & Wildlife Initiative. VOTE YES Prop 134 -- "Nickel-a-drink" tax. VOTE YES Prop 135 -- "Big Brown". Cancels Prop 128. VOTE NO Prop 138 -- "Big Stump". Cancels Prop 130. VOTE NO Prop 149 -- Park & Wildlife Bond Act. VOTE YES Prop 90135 -- Death penalty for litterbugs. VOTE YES I hope this clears up any confusion you may have had. I am accepting campaign donations now for my 1992 bid to be the Environmental Czar. Please give as generously as possible. -- Czar Douglas Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 14 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Daily Gargoyle Vol. 2, No. 14, November 16, 1990 "Just when you thought it was safe to open the mailbox!" [Editor's note: For those of you who actually believed, or hoped, that there wouldn't be any more newsletters, well, all we can say is... sorry! These things won't stop until somebody blows up our office... which could happen any day now, judging by the pipe bomb in yesterday's mail.] And now, the news ... Bill hits 30! In an unexpected turn of events, Bill has reached the age of 30. "I never thought I'd make it," said an astonished Bill. Dad and Eleanor were nice enough to take him out to dinner. They took him to McDonald's and left him there. To celebrate life at 30, Bill is moving again. If and when he gets a permanent address, he'll let everyone know, unless he doesn't like you. Why is he moving? "I think everyone should move at least once a year," said Bill. Steve to undergo brain surgery Well, actually it's dental surgery. But we figured, since they'll be in the general area anyway ... Steve doesn't know when it will happen. But he's really looking forward to it. Family dog turns to crime Lucy's dog, Credence, has turned to a life of crime. She's being trained to sniff out drugs. Credence, not Lucy. Lucy already knows how to sniff out drugs. "Right now we're practicing with marijuana," says Lucy. "Eventually, we'll work up to cocaine and heroin." What we're wondering is, where does Lucy get these drugs to practice with? Mike writes column No, not for this newsletter. He writes a regular music news column for his college newspaper. We read his column. We liked it. We offered him a job. But he declined, citing religious differences. So, we were forced to find some music news ourselves, below: MUSIC NEWS Sacramento's Top 40 radio station KROY-FM has been bought out. That frequency is now occupied by KSEG, a "classic rock" station. WORDS OF WISDOM "The mistake most people make is to put too much coffee in [the cup]." -- Lionel Holmes By the way, where will Christmas be held this year? What's for dinner? And is Bill invited? Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 15 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 NEWS, ETC. Vol. 2, No. 15, December 18, 1990 "Christmas Issue" Lucy to Host Christmas Lucy will be having Christmas at her house this year. It's a potluck affair. Only those with food will be allowed in. Says Lucy, "It'll be very informal. No dinner table. If you have someplace else to go, feel free." Well, she sounds excited, doesn't she? Take our word for it, it's going to be her usual gala event. The party starts around two o'clock, with dinner being served around three. Of course, live entertainment will be provided. Also, if enough people bring a tennis racquet, we might be able to get a doubles game in. Michael Back on Air For those following the KCSS campus radio crisis, you'll be glad to know that the labor dispute between management and the employees (is there any other kind of labor dispute?) has been resolved. Mike, being a key negotiator/spokesman for the deejays, managed to get his name in several local papers during this desperate situation. We thought that was pretty neat. Anyway, Mike and his fellow deejays are back on the air. All ransom demands have been met. All hostages have been released. Speaking of Mike, if you get a chance, be sure and see the videotape Doug took of Mike on the air. It's called "Mike On The Air." It's fascinating. "It's best if viewed in fast-forward," says Mike. Jeannie Doing Fine If you're wondering whatever happened to Jeannie, we'd like to report that she's doing fine. She's been extremely busy with the 4-H Club, and that's why you probably haven't heard from her. Husband John and the kids are reportedly doing fine, as well. John recently participated in his annual "Toy Run" to the State Capitol (in Sacramento). We asked him how it went and he said, "Fine." News Flash Bill's new address and phone number are: ____ Bagley Ave. #__ Los Angeles, CA 90034 (213) x-x Please make a note of it. (In erasable ink.) Thought for the day Dating is a lot like baseball (and butterfly chasing). Even the great ones strike out seven out of ten times. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 1 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 news from La-La Land HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Vol. 3, No. 1, January 4, 1991 Newsletter editor murdered! The editor of this newsletter was apparently murdered "some time over the weekend" according to police. We think it was our editor, anyway. Nobody's actually ever seen him, so we couldn't identify the body. This edition was quickly put together by the few roving reporters still on staff. (Most of them quit last week.) It's been rumored that our editor was not really murdered at all, but had slipped out the back with the rest of the roving reporters with plans of starting a rival newsletter. We prefer to think he was murdered. Either way, the position of editor-in-chief is now open and we are accepting applications. One of us reporters would take the job, but we're not that stupid. WHAT TO DO BEFORE YOU MOVE A Step-By-Step Approach Don't do it. If you must move, get someone else to do it. Failing that, be sure to use a truck. Two-door sports cars are not recommended. Pack your boxes in some sort of order. If you don't, you'll never find what you need until you've gone through every single box; and by then you'll probably have bought a replacement. THE BEST AND WORST OF 1990 The newsletter staff conducted an exhaustive poll (twelve whole people) (and one half person, but that's another story) and we came up with these results: TELEVISION Best commercial -- Eveready Energizer (drumming rabbit) Most annoying commercial -- (same) Best drama/comedy series -- "Twin Peaks" Most annoying -- (same) Best comedy series -- "Cheers" Best new comedy series -- "Wings" Worst new comedy series -- "Babes" Best cartoon -- "The Simpsons" Best actor -- Homer Simpson (vastly under-rated) Most annoying talk show host -- Arsenio Hall (vastly over-rated) Best t.v. movie -- (no such thing) RADIO Best station -- KCSS, Turlock Best song -- "Feelings" as sung by M.C. Hammer Worst song -- (just about any rap song) Best rock 'n roll group -- (are there any left?) Best female voice -- Tie: K.D. Lang (yes, she is female) and Mariah Carey "LITERATURE" Best novel -- "Anything For Billy", by Larry McMurtry Best science fiction -- "Majestic", by Whitley Strieber Best newsletter -- O Progresso Most annoying newsletter -- "The Holmes Family Newsletter" (among other names) SPORTS Best regular-season football game -- Giants vs. 49ers Cyclist of the year -- Greg LeMond Best men's tennis player -- Pete Sampras Best amateur tennis player -- MISCELLANEOUS Best movie (video) -- "Total Recall" Worst movie (video) -- "Dick Tracy" Learn To Speak Hungarian In Less Than 3 Weeks! Yes, that's right! In less than three weeks you can be fluent in Hungarian! How many times have you said to yourself, "Gee, I sure wish I could speak Hungarian!"? Well, now your prayers have been answered! Recent studies have shown that Hungarian will be the predominant world language by the 21st Century. So, sign up! Don't put it off. Act now! Send your check or money order in the amount of $49.95 to Doug c/o this newsletter. BIRTHDAYS Jeannie Michael< Happy birthday to you You came from the zoo For all that you do This Bud's for you ASK LARRY A Recurring Nightmare Column "Dear Larry, once a week I trim my nose hairs, but they keep coming back! What can I do?" -- Hairy Nostrils Dear Hairy Nostrils: Why trim them at all? Yank them out by the roots, one by one. That's what I do. "Dear Larry, my boss keeps insisting that I show up for work every day. What should I do?" -- Deeply Troubled Dear Deeply Troubled: Try moving to another city. "Dear Larry, do they actually pay you for this column?" -- [anonymous] Dear Anonymous: Don't be ridiculous. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "What your newsletter needs is a gossip column." -- Jeannie Hey, if I wanted your opinion, I would've asked for it! If you know so much, you try being editor! [Actually, this was a comment, not a letter. But "Comments to the Editor" sounds pretty stupid. Coincidentally, it was right after this that our editor turned up dead, or missing, or both. Ms. Brouns is currently being held for questioning.] PREDICTIONS FOR 1991 [So what if none of last year's predictions came true!] General It will be the Raiders and the 49ers in the Super Bowl, with the Raiders winning it all! Family Predictions Greg will uncover illegal toxic dumping by Chevron. They will promise him a free Chevron card if he keeps quiet, but Greg will decline. Lucy will be named DMV Investigator of the Year (Merced Division) and announce her candidacy for the 1992 presidency. Steve will publish his novel, sell it to Hollywood, and retire to his peanut farm in Oroville. Don and Diane will institute a "Home For Wayward Cats" and sell calendars. Jeannie will be named International President of the 4-H Club and will add squirrel racing to their list of activities. Doug will his open a personalized mug franchise in Hungary, where it will sweep the country. Bill will have reconstructive surgery done on his face and discover a cure for post-nasal drip. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 2 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 the NEWSLETTER Vol. 3, No. 2 February 10, 1991 It's a girl... and a boy and a girl and a boy... Chance, a dog, has given birth to seven little dogs. Three boys and four girls! Hasn't she ever heard of birth control? The puppies' names (though Jeannie will never admit it) are: Delta Dawg, Delta King, Delta Queen, Desert Shield, Desert Storm, Damn the Torpedoes and Dread Zeppelin. None of them has a tail. Eleanor is greatgrandmother! That's one word. She's undoubtedly also a great grandmother. Her grandson, Jim [redacted], and Jim's wife Lindie had a boy -- Bradley Stephen [redacted] on Jan. 29. Most kids at one time or another say they want to be a fireman when they grow up. Well, Bradley probably will be one, since both his parents are. "Portuguese Pioneers" into third printing "Portuguese Pioneers of the Sacramento Area" by Lionel Holmes has gone into its third printing. (Just like the headline says.) This latest batch is due Feb. 21. "I'm sure by the end of the year they'll all be sold," says the confident author. "That makes a total of 1200 sold!" Its sequel, "Left-Handed Portuguese Fisherman" is currently in production and expected to be released in time for Christmas. "Doug's Mugs" opens On Feb. 1, Doug opened his new store, "Doug's Mugs", in Sacramento's Arden Fair Mall. And according to Doug everything is going "great." He's currently working on a way to put the Holmes family history on a set of mugs. We'll let you know how it turns out. Former editor found! (unfortunately) [We found him last week in a dumpster eating cat food. We convinced him to come back to work for us (put a gun to his head). But he won't be editor anymore. He is now our Middle East correspondent. From the Saudi-Iraqi border he filed this report via cellular phone.] "Scud missiles! Scud missiles!" That's all I ever hear! But have I ever seen a scud missile?! No! Where are they? I want to see one! Wait. What's that over there? Is that a mobile scud launcher, with a bunch of Iraqis running around? Sure looks like it. Maybe if I wave at them they'll let me interview them. Everybody wants to be interviewed by a major newspaper. They're waving back. They're waving me over to them. Wow! This could be my lucky day! I'm about a hundred yards away now. The missile launcher seems to be lowering. It used to be pointed almost straight up, but now it's almost level with the ground and pointing in my direction. The Iraqis are still waving at me and smiling. Gee, they're friendly. What's that guy doing behind the launcher? He seems to be operating some sort of control panel. What's that big red button he has his hand over? Now he's pushing the button down . . . [And that's when we lost contact.] More on Steve's mouth (yeah, we have all the news) Dental surgeons have done what no one else has been able to do all these years. They have devised a way to shut Steve's mouth! Yes, it's true. How did they do it? They used rubber bands, of course. It's so simple, and yet, so brilliant! Next time you see Steve ask him to show you his teeth. He's only charging 50 cents. LETTER TO THE EDITOR [There weren't any letters to the editor this week. None that were printable, anyway.] BIRTHDAYS, ETC. Bradley Valentine's Day Don President's Day Eleanor ASK LARRY [We're sorry, but Larry has been shot.] MEMORABLE QUOTES "I'm going back to AT&T." and "Do you need a cat?" - Don Tennis legend returns , a legend in his own mind, returned to the tennis courts last week and came away victorious, 6-1, 6-2. His opponent, P.R. Prasad, an Indian national and former good friend, could not be reached for comment. Unfortunately, Bill could be reached for comment. "Well," Holmes sighed dramatically, "I've already proven myself to be the best in northern California, and I thought it was about time I showed southern California what I could do." [Yeah, right.] Warning!: Bill, along with his ego, is planning a "victory tour" into northern California during the President's Day three day weekend. He'll be bringing his tennis racquet and autographed 8x10 glossies. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 3 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 and now... THE NEWS Vol. 3, No. 3 (yes, only "No. 3") April 26, 1991 Doug returns from Hungary On March 21, Doug left Sacramento for Budapest (pronounced "booda-pesht"), Hungary. Taking advantage of a tickets-for-mugs trade with American Airlines (no kidding!), he flew from Sacramento to Chicago and then to Munich, where he caught a train to Budapest. Upon arrival in Hungary, he immediately set out travelling the countryside finding relatives you never knew you had. While there, articles in newspapers were written about him, he made a t.v. appearance and, of course, the police were after him the whole time. Now he's back, and he's written an account of this latest adventure of his. For further details, we suggest you read his story. This newsletter has neither the time nor the patience to do it for you. In a related story, Doug has a new apartment in Sacramento (one of his many apartments throughout the world). The address and phone number are: ?????, Sacramento, CA 95821, (916) x-x. Newsletter staff visits Santa Ana The entire newsletter staff was, for some reason, invited to Greg and June's house for Easter. Greg gave the staff a guided tour of June's garden. And later, during dinner, Brian entertained everyone with a dark, gruesome tale of a glow-in-the-dark bunny. Very scary. Andy told a tale, too, but we're not quite sure what it was about. Aileen didn't tell any tales, she played the piano instead, performing two original compositions! All in all, it was a wonderful evening topped off by lovely parting gifts (colored Easter eggs and homegrown Swiss chard) as the newsletter staff filed out the door. Bill buys truck; moves again Bill has sold his Datsun 240Z and replaced it with a 1985 Ford Ranger (mid-size) pickup. It's red and white and looks a lot like a Coca-Cola truck [that's what it used to be]. It's a four cylinder, 5-speed, has electronic fuel injection, and runs great. Commenting on the virtues of owning a truck, Bill had this to say: "You know what they say, 'A man without a truck is a man without something to carry his turnips in.'" Speaking of Bill, he has (surprise!) moved back to Sacramento. Why? "I heard they grow good turnips here," Bill explained. Not only that, but Bill has been given the opportunity to teach computer applications programs to underprivileged government employees. "It's deeply gratifying work," said Bill. "It's important that these students know there's someone out there who cares." Until he gets a place of his own, Bill can be reached at Dad and Eleanor's. Mike gets a job Actually, he has three jobs. He is the music director at KCSS radio in Turlock; he is sort of a public relations/press liaison person for his college (basically, he reads newspapers and looks for articles concerning Cal State Stanislaus); and, on weekends, he's the one behind the customer service counter at Circuit City in Modesto. He's a busy guy. Always on the phone. John up to six-two-½ This reporter recently conducted an interview with John . We asked him what he was up to, and he said, "6' 2½." MISCELLANY Sacramento It was a clear case of jealousy -- your typical love triangle gone bad. It was a Tuesday night. There was a snazzy red convertible sports car in the park. Steve's white pickup was parked nearby, flirting with it. But the red sports car was not interested. It had noticed another red car across the street. In a last-ditch attempt to get attention, Steve's pickup started rolling backward down a slight grade. Since the ignition was off, the steering wheel was locked in position turned to the left. While Steve sat in class unaware of the goings-on outside his pickup rammed the second, rival, red car in the side! The plot thickens. The snazzy red car was later seen following yet another car; a shiny black Corvette. The plot thickens again. Remember, this was a Tuesday night in Sacramento. Not only that, but the owner of the Corvette was, according to police, a suspect in Sacramento's recent murder case, the "Tuesday Night Thriller Killer" case. "I knew it all along," Steve explained to the police on the scene (and anyone else who would listen). "My car is trained to ram murder suspects." Unfortunately, the police didn't buy it. Neither did the insurance company. They didn't buy the love triangle thing, either. What happened to the snazzy red sports car? We may never know. Livingston Did you know that the most ancient human skeleton fossil ever found is called "Lucy"? True story. Speaking of Lucy, can you believe that her son Mike actually beat her in Scrabble three times in a row?! Still speaking of Lucy, she and Mike were awakened in the middle of the night recently by an eerie sucking, gurgling sound emanating from the bathroom. Each of them got out of their beds and bravely set out to find out what was causing this strange noise. "Of course my first thought," Lucy explained, "was -- What would Oprah Winfrey do in this situation?" "I just thought someone was drowning in the toilet," said Mike. As it turned out, the problem was that, due to the drought, the ground water level had dropped so far down that their well pipe was not long enough to reach the ground water. Thus, the toilet was sucking air instead of water as it tried to keep its reservoir full. Have you checked your toilet lately? AN EXPLANATION [Yes, it has been a while since the last newsletter. And we have had many complaints. Not that there's any correlation between these two statements. Anyway, in case you're wondering, below is an explanation of The Newsletter situation as it is today. Normally, the editor would be writing this sort of thing, but, well, we couldn't find him.] Real life at The Holmes Family Newsletter is not as rosy as one might think. Not rosy at all, in fact. There's already been one murder (Larry of "Ask Larry"). And, of course, an attempt was made on the life of the editor himself. There have been many, many power struggles within these walls since The Newsletter's inception. Many believe it was just such a power struggle that led to the murder of "Ask Larry" Larry. It seems he wanted a key to the bathroom, but the editor wouldn't give him one. An argument ensued. And Larry was found dead the very next day outside the bathroom door, clutching pitifully to the door knob. It was a horrible sight; one this reporter will never forget. There has been office politics, in-fighting, back-biting, knee-jerking. There have been sex scandals, money-laundering schemes, racketeering, prostitution. You name it. Many blame the editor himself for the situation as it is today. It used to be a joy -- for this reporter, at least -- coming to work in the morning. The editor and his entire staff were happy and gay. Well, not gay. But, you know what I mean. Now the editor is impossible to work for. He's grouchy. He's grumpy. In the mornings, don't even try talking to him until after his third cup of coffee. (Rumor has it, he has hemorrhoids. Probably because of all that coffee he drinks.) The entire staff is in turmoil. Some theorize that the troubles all began way back in December of '89. Remember? That's when a Japanese conglomerate (Mitsubishi) attempted to buy The Newsletter. In response to this buy-out attempt, the editor did a bit of clever, almost genius, probably illegal, maneuvering. Oh yes, he sold The Newsletter and pocketed the cash. But then -- and here's where the genius part comes in -- he changed the name of The Newsletter, and continued to change it for each subsequent issue. So Mitsubishi ended up paying a huge sum of money for absolutely nothing because "The Newsletter" no longer existed! Ingenious, huh? Anyway, that's when the troubles all began. You may have noticed that The Newsletter's address kept changing after that. This was done in an attempt to keep one step ahead of Mitsubishi and its private investigators. The editor became a different person. Oh, he was the same person, but his personality (such as it was) changed. He stopped shaving, stopped brushing his teeth, stopped taking showers, started smoking really smelly cigars (which was nice, actually, because it drowned out his body odor). And he stayed out late every night. If you were unfortunate enough to be working late at the office, every once in a while from inside his office you would hear uncontrollable laughter, followed by blood-curdling screams. It was eerie and quite disturbing, because the lights in his office were never on and you had no idea he was in there until you heard the screams! Anyway, the point is, you should feel lucky this edition of The Newsletter ever made it to your mailbox. Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 4 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 the Evening Star Post-Tribune Dispatch (we couldn't decide on a name) Vol. 3, No. 4, June 4, 1991 Bikers ride to Yosemite On Mother's Day, John, Jeannie, Don and Diane (collectively known as "Hell On Wheels") rode their motorcycles to Yosemite. "We had a great time," Jeannie, the club spokesperson, said afterward. On their return trip they stopped off at Lucy's house. Neither Lucy nor Mike were home so, as Jeannie put it, "we broke into her house, used her bathroom, drank her beer and played with her 'guard dogs'" in that order. Bill moving to Yuba City (maybe) Bill and his business partner, Gabe, dba Pacific Rim Technologies, are planning to open in Yuba City a branch office of their computer training operation. They have made arrangements with a Yuba City computer store to use their training facility. The store supplies everything (except students) in exchange for a commission. Bill will be heading up this operation while Gabe continues to run the Sacramento operation. Bill's new address and phone number are unknown at this time, pending confirmation of this whole proposition. Doug has moved (definitely) After one month, Doug has decided to move to a better neighborhood. Seems he grew tired of living next to drug dealers, scumbags and low-lifes. His new address is ?????, Sacramento, CA 95821. Meanwhile, "Doug's Mugs" is reportedly doing good business at Country Club Plaza in Sacramento. Doug will be set up in the mall until Father's Day. After that, we have no idea where he will be. Steve and Denise to venture East At the end of this month, Steve and Denise and, of course, Kristen, will be traveling to the East coast. They will be flying to upstate New York to visit Dick and Alberta Krueger. And from there, they will rent (or steal) a car and drive through Amish country in Pennsylvania; tour Washington, D.C.; and then head to Williamsburg, Virginia. Bon voyage! MISCELLANY Don't ever ask Eleanor "who's winning?" when there's a game on t.v. She'll quickly point out to you that "No one is 'winning.' One team is merely 'ahead' of the other. No one 'wins' until the game is over." Is Eleanor also the one who said "it ain't over 'til it's over"? Don't, I repeat, don't rent the movie "Dark Man." It is simply one of the worst movies you'll ever see. It's like they couldn't decide whether to make it a comedy or a serious action thriller [the same problem we have with this newsletter, actually.] Steve beat Bill in tennis again. They played three sets over a period of two days and Steve won 7-5, 3-2 (half set), 6-4, 5-2 (called on account of disgust). "I don't know what happened," Bill whined. "Quite frankly," Steve explained, "Bill's just not that good." Puppies sold Jeannie sold all of her Rottweiler puppies. You knew that. That's old news. What you may not know is that Lucy has sold the last of her "fahrvergnugen" German Shepherds. Finally! ["Fahrvergnugens" is what Lucy called her puppies. We wouldn't make that up.] a day at the fair by I pulled into Angel's Camp around noon. I was supposed to be meeting my brother Don and his wife Diane there . . . somewhere. We hadn't actually decided on a meeting place. That would have been too easy. I drove south on the main street through town (probably Main Street, though I'm not quite sure). Parked along either side of the street were at least a hundred motorcycles, mostly Harleys, hovered over by their mostly leather-clad owners and passengers. I was supposed to find Don and Diane's motorcycle out of all these? Don made it easy for me. He stepped out in front of my car as I made my way down the street. I was looking left and he came at me from the right. I could tell it was Don by the sound of his screams as I ran him over. I pulled into the parking lot and parked my car. Don, limping, and Diane, also limping though I'm not sure why, met me there. "You just ran over my foot, Bill," he said in disbelief. "I know," I said. "I'm sorry. Have you eaten yet?" "No. Have you?" he replied. "There's a restaurant just up the street," Diane offered. I wanted to order french toast, but was afraid it wouldn't fill me up. "Always go with your first instinct," Don advised. "You're right, of course," I said. And I ordered the french toast. Don and Diane both ordered eggs over-medium with a side of wheat toast. We all drank coffee. Black. After breakfast, it was time to go to the fairgrounds -- Don and Diane on their motorcycle, me in my truck. At least, that's what I assumed until Diane said she wanted to drive my pickup. "Why?" I asked. "After two hours on the back of a motorcycle, I need to sit on a car seat for a while," she explained. "You don't love me anymore," Don said bitterly. I talked Diane into letting me drive and she rode with me. There was a line of cars at the fairgrounds gate. The entrance was on a hill, and my car is a stick shift. I have an irrational fear of stopping on hills with a car that has a stick shift. I mentioned this to Diane, but she didn't seem to care. I told her about the time I ran a red light in Ossining, New York because it was at the top of a steep hill and my truck had a stick shift. She looked at me sideways, yawned, and said, "That's against the law, isn't it?" I didn't answer. I was suddenly deep in concentration. As we approached the fairgrounds entrance, the hill got steeper and steeper. My left foot was getting sore from constantly pushing down and letting go of the clutch pedal. I was really getting nervous. Tiny droplets of sweat dotted my upper lip. "You want me to drive?" Diane asked helpfully. "No," I said. "This is something I have to do myself." Don then pulled up beside us on his motorcycle. "Pay my parking," he shouted, and sped on up ahead and out of sight. He reappeared a few minutes later after I parked my truck. "How's your butt?" he asked. "Fine, thanks," I said. "I was talking to Diane," he sneered. "Just fine," Diane answered. "I want to see the frogs," I shouted, once we were through the gates and in the fair. "Look in the mirror," Don snapped. "You're still mad because I ran over your foot, aren't you?" I asked. And that's when Don pulled out his knife and began whipping it back and forth in front of my face. He stood with his feet wide apart, his body leaning slightly forward as he bobbed and weaved and stabbed at the air. The long, sharp blade glinted menacingly in the sun. "Nice knife, huh?" Don laughed excitedly. "Uh, yeah. Real nice," I said as I backed away. Then, as quickly as he had produced the knife, Don put the knife away and never mentioned it again. "He's been under some stress lately," Diane explained. "Ah," I said. The frogs were located near the rodeo. The frog jockeys were stamping their feet and slapping the ground -- whatever it took to get their frogs to jump. It was pretty boring. So, we watched the rodeo. "What makes the horses buck?" Diane asked. "Well, they take a corn cob ..." Don began to explain. "A bucking strap," I interjected. "What's a bucking strap?" Diane asked. "A marital aid," Don said. I laughed. Don didn't. I thought he was kidding. Apparently, he wasn't. We left the rodeo before the barrel racing started. We weren't interested. Pig racing! Now, that's another matter. Unfortunately, we missed it. Diane was pretty broken up over it, too. I had no idea she felt so strongly about pigs. Her whining and complaining finally got so bad, I had to get a beer. I was going to get a beer, anyway. But this gave me a valid excuse. When I returned with my beer, Don and Diane were gone. I searched the fairgrounds for at least five minutes before finally giving up and returning to my car. I found a note on my window. Spray-painted across the glass it said, "WE LEFT." "Ah," I said to no one in particular, and I finished my beer. the end Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 5 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 NEWS Vol. 3, No. 5, July 6, 1991 Northern California's leading newsletter since 1989 (except for those few months when we were Southern California's leading newsletter) Record heat melts Sacto! Molten steel and rubber cover city The mercury has topped the century mark every single day of this past week in Sacramento (and several other central valley towns). And, just in time, Dad and Eleanor's air conditioner has broken down. "It's not so bad," said Dad, stoically. "When I was a boy it would reach 120 degrees for months on end. If you stood in one spot for too long, you would melt." Bill cancels Yuba City plans Bill has canceled all plans of moving to Yuba City, citing irreconcilable differences with his partner. "Besides," Bill adds, "who in their right mind would ever move to Yuba City?" Bill has since found an apartment in Sacramento. His new address and phone number are 2x Q Street, #9, Sacramento, CA 95x, (916) 4x-6x. Doug buys bikes In the past few days, Doug has bought three bikes -- two ten-speeds and one five-speed. The five speed just happens to be a Yamaha 400 motorcycle, which he bought from Don and Diane. What's with all these bikes, you ask? "I don't know," Doug explains. "Those bicycles were available, so I bought them. Don offered his motorcycle, and I bought it. I can't control myself!" Doug has also recently bought an Amiga computer. We suggest you take advantage of Doug's mood while it lasts and sell him everything you've been trying for years to get rid of. Dad taken out to dinner It was "boys' night out" on Father's Day as Steve, Doug, and Bill took their father, Dad, out to dinner. "It was very nice," said Dad. "And that stripper that came to our table afterward was especially nice." 'Boomerang dogs' return Remember in our last issue we said Lucy had finally gotten rid of all her puppies? Well, scratch that. It seems the dogs have returned. "There are dogs everywhere!" screamed Mike. "They're boomerang dogs," Lucy explained. "From Australia, you see." Actually, the people who had bought the dogs (two different buyers) decided they really didn't want them after all, for one reason or another. Jeannie was also a buyer, but she's keeping hers. If you're in the market for a couple of year old German Shepherd "puppies," give Lucy a call. "They're house-broken," said Lucy. "There are dogs everywhere!" Mike screamed again. BIRTHDAYS, ETC. John Andy "Big Boy" Steve A. America John's & Jeannie's Anniversary Lucy (before we forget) MISCELLANY Did you know there is actually an Elvis Presley Impersonators International Association and an Elvis Presley Impersonators Hall of Fame? Well, now you do. I was sitting there one day watching a baseball game on t.v., wondering how many foul balls were typically hit during a game, when it hit me: Whatever happened to that guy back East who had caught over a thousand foul balls in his lifetime? Remember him? Of course you do. I wonder how many foul balls he's up to by now? Have you heard about that asteroid making its way toward Earth? It's true. It's on a collision course for Earth. Don't worry, these newsletters will keep coming. Besides, by the time the asteroid gets close, we'll probably (hopefully) have come up with a way of shooting it out of the sky with lasers or something. But, just in case, we're offering "Comprehensive Asteroid Collision Insurance." For a small fee of $100 per month for the rest of your life, we will issue you a CERTIFICATE that says you are fully covered in the event of an asteroid collision. Don't delay! Get your policies now! This offer is available for a limited time only. Void where prohibited. QUOTES "Have you found work yet?" "Have you found a job yet?" "Any word on jobs yet?" "So, how's the job hunt going?" - Dad to Bill every single day of the past two weeks TRAVEL UPDATE Lucy was in Fresno again recently. Will she never learn? Barbara [redacted], Eleanor's daughter, is currently in the middle of an archaeological dig in Israel. We don't know when she left or when she's coming back. But it can't be much hotter there than it's been in Sacramento. Steve, Denise and Kristen have returned from their East Coast trip. [see previous newsletter for details.] Don and Diane made a weekend trip to Los Angeles, for some reason. Mike was in Germany last year. He's back now. Doug was in Hungary earlier this year. He's back, too. John, Jeannie and kids are planning a trip to Disney World in Florida in September. Greg, June and kids will be driving to Minnesota sometime this year. For all we know, they're there already. Bill will be going on a pleasure cruise to Antarctica. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "I had heard Bill's tennis was improving, but I was surprised to see him winning the French Open. That was Bill wasn't it?" -- John [Yes, that was Bill winning the French Open last month. The media incorrectly identified him as "Jim Courier", whoever that is. This is typical of the media. And that's why this newsletter should be your only news source.] Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 6 Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1 The Leaky Faucet "Irritating, yet soothing. Obnoxious, yet hypnotic" Vol. 3, No. 6, July 30, 1991 Sapphire dispute settled out of court Steve of Sacramento, CA, invested in a sapphire venture a few solar eclipses back. He was to be "guaranteed" 25% profit, with the possibility of 100% profit. Well, the deal went sour. Steve's partners lost most of their money. And Steve had to settle for the following: $894 (paid some time ago); five sapphires (appraised at over $10,000, though probably sellable for only 10% of that); 20 wooded acres on a hill 7 miles outside of Oroville (with a mortgage to pay off on the property); and a plot of land in a retirement community in Colorado. We asked Steve to comment on this out-of-court settlement: "Since one of the partners is going bankrupt and the other doesn't have any money," Steve explained, "I can say that I am glad it's finally over. I would have preferred the cash, though." Lucy trains dogs Lucy has been conducting an "intermediate" dog training class in Turlock for the past several weeks. Jeannie and her kids, Tiffany and Thomas, attend regularly. It was this reporter's humble opinion that Jeannie's dog Chance had no business being there, since Chance can already do all the things you expect an obedient dog to do. "We're just showing off," Jeannie confided later. Tiffany's and Thomas's dogs are coming along pretty well, too, although Thomas insisted that his Rottweiler puppy is turning into a Dalmatian. "That's quite impossible," Lucy assured us. "We don't teach them how to do that until the advanced class." Bill moves. Again! Surprise, surprise, surprise! The Travelling Road Show is on the move again. Citing financial difficulties (couldn't find a job), Bill is packing up his belongings and moving back to Los Angeles. Yes, L.A. "I hated to do it," said Bill. "But some things are just unavoidable." He worked it out with his temp agency in L.A. so that he will be going back to the same firm he'd been temping at before he left. By the time you receive this newsletter, he will probably have already left. HUMANITARIAN OF THE MONTH This month's winner of the "What A Guy" Award is GREG HOLMES! He was chosen over several thousand other contestants for his fundraising efforts on the "Save Dad's & Eleanor's Air Conditioner" project. (See previous issue for details.) The Leaky Faucet accepts the award on Greg's behalf. UNCLASSIFIED ADS If anyone out there wants to buy some sapphires or a retirement lot in Colorado, or both, call Steve at (916) x-x. He could use the money. QUOTES While looking at a car with her mother recently, Denise was heard to say: "So, how many doors does it have, anyway?" MISCELLANY Went to an interview recently in Modesto (yes, I was desperate) for a "software/hardware support" position. Toward the end of the interview, they asked eight questions from a prepared list. I thought you might find these questions interesting. They would've been pretty good questions, actually, if it wasn't for the fact that I was the one being asked. I got the impression someone had taken a lot of time developing these questions and is now selling them through management seminars. Anyway, here they are: 1. What is your greatest accomplishment?; 2. What is your greatest disappointment?; 3. Describe the best boss you ever had; 4. Describe the worst boss you ever had; 5. If you were presented with a problem that you had never encountered before, how would you go about solving it?; 6. What makes you a good leader?; 7. What makes you a good follower?; 8. What are your two best qualities? As if interviews weren't bad enough already, they have to come up with questions like these? Remember the novel All Across America? by that well-known author Steve? No? Well, it's finished. And as soon as Steve comes up with the money, he'll be publishing it himself. Speaking of literary masterpieces, I just read a spy novel by Len Deighton called "Berlin Game." And, I must say, it was excellent. Deighton is probably the best spy novelist I've read to date. Yes, even better than Ludlum and LeCarre. Steve and Denise hosted a video/slide show/party recently. The party started off well. Dad was explaining how he is a "physiological freak" (his own words), due to a peculiar joint, or lack of a joint in his left thumb. And that, of course, brought a flood of similar "confessions" from the other partygoers. Doug made the shocking revelation that he has an "extra rib." And Steve, of course, had deformities too numerous to mention. When it came time to show the slides, Dad realized he forgot to bring the slide projector. So he ran out the door before anyone could stop him. While he was gone, everyone watched the video of Steve and Denise's trip back east. Eventually, Dad returned with the projector and they watched slides of Japan. SPORTS UPDATE Injury, Argument Mar "Friendly" Game Brothers Bill and Steve got a little too rambunctious at a recent Sierra Club volleyball game. Bill was in the setter's position and going for a ball. Steve was in the back row and judged that Bill couldn't get to the ball, so Steve also went after the ball. That was a mistake. They collided. And Steve twisted his ankle (slightly). "Serves him right," Bill said, disgustedly. "He's always trying to hog the ball!" "I think he did it on purpose," Steve retorted, "just so he'd win the next tennis match." That next tennis match came less than a week later when Steve and Bill, along with their brother Doug and nephew Mike, played a marathon doubles tennis match in Sacramento. First it was Steve and Doug versus Bill and Mike, with S & D winning 6-0. Then it was Steve and Bill versus Doug and Mike. This set was tied 6-6, and there was some confusion as to the rules regarding tie breakers, so they made up their own rules and Steve and Bill won the set, 7-6. Before the third and final set, a city parks "ranger" demanded $4 ($1 apiece) before letting the foursome continue. Everyone but Steve claimed to have left their wallets elsewhere. So, Steve ended up paying for everyone. What a guy! (He was a runner-up in the recent "What-A-Guy" competition.) Finally, the third set began. It was Steve and Mike against Doug and Bill. D & B were ahead 5-3 before S & M tied it up (no pun intended) 6-6 and forced another tie breaker. S & M ended up winning it 7-6. After the match, Steve was heard to say, "Did you notice I was on the winning team every time?" More tennis: A few days later Steve, Denise and Bill played "cut-throat" (a rotating two against one tennis game). Of course, Steve won on points (he was the only one keeping score). A week later in Livingston, Mike [redacted], playing a much improved game, kicked his uncle Bill's butt, 6-2. "He had the home-court advantage," Bill said, as if that explained anything.

SURVEY

We had an independent survey taken of our readers to see just what improvements, if any, they would like to see made in this newsletter. Here's what they came up with (the most popular responses are listed first):

• Stop publishing the damned thing!
• Have more interesting news items.
• Have at least one interesting news item per issue, please!
• Needs some sort of political agenda. Can't tell if it's Republican or Democrat.
• Needs to be funnier.
• Print it on colored paper.
• Print it on toilet paper, so it will at least be useful.
• Make it a daily and charge $1 per issue.

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

Jesus
Winter Solstice
Jeannie

REACTION TO DOUG'S "ADOPT-A-GHOST" CAMPAIGN

Uncle Joe: I loved it!
Steve: It was ... different.
Jeannie: It was hilarious!
Bill: It scared me. Please don't do it again.
Don: What a great idea! Where do I sign up?

WORDS OF WISDOM

Never play Scrabble with more than four people. All you'll do is come up with three and four letter words worth five or six points each and you'll finish last and everyone will laugh at you and you'll go crazy and start writing newsletters!

MEANINGFUL DISCUSSIONS

Should California be split in two? That issue has been raised by a member of the California Legislature, and we thought we would address it here. Would a "North California" be able to survive without its southern neighbors? Remember, the proposal is to cut California in half just north of Sacramento and the Bay Area. Given that border, what's left? Eureka? Yuba City? Hardly thriving communities.

I say, let the northerners break away! See how long they last, the no-account hillbillies! Maybe California should be split up three ways: Northern, Central and Southern. And a huge wall should be put up on every border! They can re-use the old Berlin Wall!

[Responsible rebuttals can be sent to The Leaky Faucet c/o "No-Account Hillbillies."

ANOTHER DISTURBING THOUGHT:

You've heard the term "third world." But, what exactly are the three worlds? Well, the "first world" presumably refers to the industrialized, modern nations. The "third world" seems to apply to those countries that have not quite caught up with the "first world." But what constitutes the "second" world? We have no idea, and we would like someone out there to explain these things to us.

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME

The "Best Halloween Costume" award this year goes to Michael who went dressed as an East German border guard, complete with German shepherd guard dog ("Coyote").

MOVIE REVIEWS
by Mil Kdud

Silence of the Lambs -- Excellent movie, though I missed a lot of it because everyone around me was drunk.
King Ralph -- Not bad, actually. I was surprised. Worth renting. It had me giggling throughout.
Don't Tell Her It's Me -- Lousy. I think I only laughed once. It was supposed to be a comedy, I think.
Hot Shots -- Fairly amusing. Had some pretty funny scenes.
Sleeping With The Enemy -- A little predictable, though Julia Roberts is always nice to look at. Worth renting. But then, what isn't?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

Gabe Kaplan (from the t.v. show "Welcome Back Kotter") ... ?

He's now doing a sports talk radio show on KLAC in Los Angeles called "Sports Nuts."

So now you know.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

[The following letter may not be suitable for children or the faint of heart.]

Well, I've moved into my new apartment. And it sure is nice to be out of the living situation I'd been in for the past couple of months! My ex-roommates were driving me up a wall! Constant arguing, constant drinking. Maybe I should tell you a little bit about them:

Mark is a complete idiot/ drug-dealing/ alcoholic. He was thrown in jail recently as he was leaving a known drug-dealer's house. It was Mark's bad luck that the house was at that moment being surrounded by police. And just a few days before that, he broke into the apartment of three girls in the neighboring apartment house. He didn't do anything once he got into their apartment. He just fell asleep on the floor and then took off running when the girls found him. The girls knew him and pressed charges. When the police came looking for him the next day, he was hiding in his bedroom but, for some reason, they didn't bother entering the house. They only left their business card and told us to have Mark call them. It was all pretty weird.

Mark's ex-girlfriend, Mary, shared a room with him. That in itself was a weird situation, for they both insisted they were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. They were both seeing other people, yet they slept in the same bed every night. Mary, like Mark, is a complete idiot. She's also a tease and an instigator. She had an affair with one of the roommates, P.R., and somehow managed to keep it secret from Mark for several months. Obviously, she didn't keep it secret from me. She told me all about it. I wish she hadn't, actually, because that's all she ever talked about when Mark and P.R. weren't there, and it got pretty tiresome. But it seems I was the only person she could talk to (probably because I was about the only one she wasn't sleeping with).

The fourth roommate, Juan, is also an alcoholic. Come January, he'll be going to jail for two months because of his third drunk-driving ticket.

P.R., the one who was originally so inconsiderate as to invite me to live there, is currently staying with a friend in Hermosa Beach. P.R. is also an alcoholic. I guess you could say I was an alcoholic too for the 2 months that I was living there, I drank so much; though, for the month that Mark and P.R. were in Europe, I hardly had a drink. Really.

Anyway, the "Idiots of 3720 Westwood," as we were probably known throughout the neighborhood, have disbanded. Everybody's moving away. Mark and P.R. will be getting a two-bedroom of their own. (It amazes me that P.R. could be so stupid as to move in with Mark.) I have already moved into my new place. And Juan will soon be in jail. Mary says she'll be getting a place of her own, though you never really know what Mary might do. She'd been bugging me to move into a two-bedroom with her, but I didn't want to. Why not? Because Mary is the most aggravating person I've ever met, and I'm sure I would have regretted moving in with her.

I guess I'll have to find some new friends. -- Bill

You know a newsletter's in bad shape when its editor has to write a letter to himself just to have something to put in "Letters to the Editor"!

INTERVIEW

Michael of Livingston, CA stopped by our offices the other day. And, since we had nothing better to do, we interviewed him. Here's how it went.

• Leaky Faucet: Who the hell are you?
• Mike: Does it really matter?
• LF: I suppose not. Wow, that's deep.
• Mike: Are you going to interview me or not? I've got things to do.
• LF: Okay, so ...
• [Just then, the phone rang. It was John .]
• LF: John! What are you up to?
• John: Oh, about 6'2 1/2". [Then John hung up.]
• LF: That was John. He says hi. So, where were we?
• Mike: I believe you were saying something like "Okay, so," or some such thing.
• LF: Right. Okay, so ... uh ... well, I can't think of anything to say. Would you like to play tennis?
• Mike: Sure!
• [So we played tennis.]

M I S C E L L A N Y

A cheerful thought: According to Nostradamus (or, at least, one person's interpretation of the 16th Century astrologer's predictions), "The Big One" [earthquake] will hit California on May 8, 1993. It is said San Diego will sink into the ocean; Los Angeles will be destroyed; and, by way of the San Francisco Bay, the entire California valley floor will be flooded (completely ruining California's farmlands, and everybody's day).

Other than that, 1993 should be a good year.

There was an interesting article in the L.A. Times the other day. It began: "Times are so lean in the north country [Montana] this winter that ... its citizens are fighting over road-kill." The article goes on to say that "Most Montanans look at the road-kill and say, 'Gee, that's a good piece of meat. It shouldn't go to waste.'" Also, "A couple hundred pounds of meat lying by the roadside is all the more appealing during these recessionary times."

Yum, I'm getting hungry.

There was a movie on t.v. recently called "Cold Steel." You can guess by the title that it was your typically predictable "crime drama." Actually, it wasn't the movie that was noteworthy, but the theme song. Then again, it wasn't so much the song itself as it was who sang the song. Well, by now you've probably guessed it. Yes, that's right, the singer was none other than James House, Don's old crony! Of course, it was recorded in James's pre-Nashville days.

DOG NEWS

Stormy Gets Schutzhund I

Lucy's dog, Stormy, aka "Dummy," aka "Hey You," has achieved something called "Schutzhund I." It's basically a training certificate awarded to dogs that can: (1) track down a scented object; (2) attack a scented human; and (3) obey a scented handler's commands. Of course, with all these scents, we asked Lucy, "What scent attracts Stormy the most?" Lucy replied, "Well, the smell of dog sht probably attracts him the most. But we try to discourage its use in the Schutzhund trials."

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

St. Patrick's Day
April Fool's Day
Dad
Greg
Earth Day

AN UNPAID ADVERTISEMENT

JERRY BROWN
FOR
PRESIDENT

Because he has an 800 number (1-800-426-1112). Besides, he has some seriously good ideas; namely, his flat 13% tax proposal, plus the fact that he's not afraid to blow the lid off the corruption currently infesting Capitol Hill. Of course, he'll probably lose to Bill Clinton and Clinton will lose to George Bush. Then again, maybe not.

COMMENTARY

What's going on here? A couple of issues back, this newsletter predicted that a Democrat (but, specifically not Jerry Brown) would be elected President in November. And now, here you are plugging Jerry Brown!

REBUTTAL

So what's your point?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ... Burton Cummings

Formerly of the Canadian rock group "The Guess Who," as well as a solo artist, Burton Cummings is now doing the Canadian and American national anthems at L.A. Kings hockey games.

It's sad, really.

L.A. riots: The aftermath

In the aftermath of the Los Angeles riots, religious and community leaders speak of healing, rebuilding, minority empowerment ...

Enough already!!! If I hear the words "aftermath," "healing," or "rebuilding" one more time, I'm gonna puke!

And now, on with the real news ...

Andy catches first fish!

On a recent camping trip, Andy "Big Boy" [redacted] caught his first fish ever. And it was a whopper: 37 pounds! Or maybe it was 3.7 lbs. Anyway, it was a fish.

Of course, Greg, Aileen and Brian caught fish, too. But they catch fish all the time.

June didn't go fishing. She was in the car on her way to join her family when, suddenly, she was surrounded by a herd of drooling, demented cows! Of course, she turned around and went back to the cabin, leaving Greg and the kids to fight their way through the cows back to the cabin.

In an exclusive interview regarding what has come to be known as the "cow incident," an emotionally drained Greg stated, "It was touch and go there for a while, but we made it back to the cabin for a fish dinner. And there's a fresh side of beef in our freezer at home!"

Dad has eye surgery

Dad recently underwent successful surgery to remove cataracts from his left eye. Afterwards, he had this to say, "It used to be the top E on the eye chart was fuzzy without my glasses. Now I can read the top six lines without glasses!"

The doctors say they don't want him driving a car or reading anything for a while until his eye recovers. In the meantime, Eleanor has to do the driving and the reading and the cooking and the gardening ...

"The worst aspect of this whole thing," says Dad, "is that I was just about to publish the next O Progresso. But, since the doctors don't want me using the computer, I had to trust Bill with the latest O Progresso. I can only hope he won't screw it up."

[After this story was written, the O Progresso newsletter did go out and, some say, it was the best issue in years.]

Doug trapped in blizzard

Doug was in the middle of a campsite video "shoot" somewhere in the Sierras between Highways 80 and 88 when he was unexpectedly caught in a freak June blizzard!

Doug, however, was not phased by the snowstorm. "I built a snowman and slept inside it until it melted," says Doug.

Regarding the video he was shooting, for your copy of it, call Doug at (916) x-x. When you get his voice-mail, just push "3" on your touch-tone phone. To order a video, push "4". To order a pizza, push "5".

Denise booked

Denise got a ticket recently for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign. She fought it in court and had the fine reduced, then wrote about it in a letter to the editor of The Natomas Journal. And, to her surprise, she got a response; not from the editor, but from other readers.

The first letter was a long-winded diatribe from some misguided woman who no doubt works for the government. We would reprint the letter, but it's just too long and stupid; saying things like "Since when is a citation for breaking the law a judgement call?" and "What kind of message does this send to her students?"

At least one out of the three letters seemed to take Denise's side (as does this newsletter). As far as we're concerned, not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign ranks right up there with spitting on the sidewalk.

Some time later, Denise received a another ticket; this time for parking in a handicapped zone. Sorry, Denise, but on this one we have to agree with the ticket.

Finally, Denise has bought a new, red car; bringing up the question -- Do people in red cars get more tickets because they drive a red car? Or do people who get more tickets drive red cars? Something to think about.

They call him "Frogboy"

Thomas accomplished something no one else has ever accomplished in the "greater" [redacted] family's rich history. Single-handedly, Thomas gathered up seven toads (not frogs, but they call him "Frogboy," anyway) while at his aunt Lucy's house. He carried the toads all the way back to Lucy's house, only to have Lucy, in a demonic rage, dump them all out of the Coke can Thomas was keeping them in. You might think that would be the end of the story, but no. Thomas went out and collected those toads all over again; this time, somehow managing to collect five more than he started with! How did he do it?!

We asked Thomas to explain his technique, but he said, "You don't ask Superman how he flies, do you? Okay. So, don't ask Frogboy how he collects frogs!"

Don & Diane finally leave

Don and Diane, and their cats, have finally left "beautiful" Hayward and moved to Nashville, Tennessee (home of the Grand Ol' Opry and "Dollywood").

Before leaving the Golden State, however, they received a gala sendoff at (where else?) Lucy's house high up in the hills of Livingston. (The only place to have a gala event.)

Everyone was there (except for those who weren't). Hugs and tears (of joy or sadness, we couldn't tell) were the order of the day. But everyone knew that Don and Diane were moving on to bigger and better things. (Well, they were moving on, anyway.)

So, to make a long story short: They left.

Good luck, you two! (Or maybe that should be "y'all.")

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

John
Independence Day
Summer Olympics

SPORTS

How about those Sacramento Surge? We told you they would win it all! For those of you who don't know (probably everyone), they won the World League of American Football's "World Bowl '92"!

As far as our other sports predictions went:

The Bulls beat the Blazers in the NBA Finals. (Not the other way around as we predicted.)

Hockey's Stanley Cup went to the Pittsburgh Penguins for the second straight year. (We'd predicted the New York Rangers.)

Of course, our baseball predictions will come true.

MISCELLANY

Can you spell "potato"? As you must know by now, Vice President Quayle can't. This, of course, merely confirms what everyone already knew about Dan Quayle.

Speaking of idiots: Did you hear about the recent William Renquist-led Supreme Court decision allowing U.S. "officials" to kidnap foreign nationals in their home country and bring them to the United States for trial? Why don't we just proclaim that the entire world is United States property and we can do whatever the hell we want?

INTERVIEW
with Lionel Holmes

• Broken Record: So tell us about this eye surgery. It must have been very painful.
• Holmes: No worse than sitting here talking to you.
• BR: That's just great. You don't mind if we change the subject? We like to keep these interviews moving.
• Holmes: So do I.
• BR: Our researchers were going through your garbage the other day, and ...
• Holmes: What?!
• BR: It's standard procedure.
• Holmes: Standard procedure for you, maybe.
• BR: Well, anyway, we found notes from what we believe to be your next book, "Left-Handed Portuguese Fisherman." When do you expect this book to be published?
• Holmes: I don't know what you're talking about.
• BR: Garbage doesn't lie, Mr. [redacted]!
• Holmes: [silence]
• BR: Is there any truth to the rumor that you're not really Portuguese at all?; that you simply pretend to be Portuguese so you can sell books, write newsletters, and make lots of... What's that in your hand? It's not loaded, is it? You wouldn't really shoot me...

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 6

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

---

The Barking Dog

Vol. 4 No. 6, July 22, 1992
"Who names these newsletters, anyway?"

earthquakes, earthquakes!

We're sick of earthquakes! Why doesn't the government do something!?

On June 28, 1992, Southern California suffered from twin earthquakes, measuring 7.5 and 6.6 on the Richter scale. And there have been innumerable aftershocks, not to mention separate, smaller quakes.

In response to this phenomenon, we here at The Barking Dog have stocked up on emergency supplies: bottled water, canned goods, toilet paper (never forget the toilet paper), cash, camping stove, etc. Wouldn't it be a good idea if you were to stock up on these emergency supplies, as well?

Doug goes to Azores

On July 13, Dad & Eleanor dropped Doug off at the Sacramento airport where he boarded a jet headed for Lisbon. From there he swam to the Azores.

After two weeks in the Azores, he is scheduled to fly back to Sacramento for his 15-year Mira Loma High School reunion. And

then, following that, he will be flying back to Europe to spend some time in Hungary.

We're getting dizzy just writing this story! We hope to get some sort of travelogue from Doug once this globe-trotting frenzy is over.

Steve plays in dirt

Over the 4th of July weekend, Steve bought three cubic yards (a lot) of dirt and had it delivered to his house. Denise exclaimed, "It was an endless pile of dirt! I don't know what he's doing order so much dirt."

What he was doing, it turns out, was some extensive landscaping on the side yard. He and Denise spent many hours moving rocks and dirt, putting in a sprinkler system, and pushing Kristen around in her little read wagon (which they had "borrowed" without Kristen's permission, to move the dirt with).

With her landscaping chores finished, Denise then flew to Vancouver, British Columbia, with her sister and mother. She tried to take the little red wagon with her, but Steve and Kristen talked her out of it.

And now, an important word from John :

"You don't buy beer, you only rent it."

Letters to the Editor

"Are you still 'shaken'? Boy, L.A. ain't the safest place to be, huh? You do a great job in the newsletter. But, you know, Public Information Officer jobs are shaky, too." -- Denise

[What does that mean?!]

The Trip From Hell

Nashville, TN -- When Don and Diane first arrived in Hayward in 1986 it was raining, so it was fitting that it was raining as they pulled away from 641 Sunset at 2:00 p.m. on Monday, June 29th -- 4 days behind schedule -- for the long move to Nashville, Tennessee.

Don drove the big, ugly '66 Chevy dual-rear wheeled step-van. Diane followed in the Isuzu pickup pulling a 5 x 8 open trailer. Eastbound on Highway 580 and south on I-5 they had to stop a couple times to fix a dangling chain, secure a blue tarp. The step-van had horribly loose steering, due to being over- and/or unevenly loaded, and Don found it difficult staying in his lane. He swerved out of the center of his lane with every pothole or gust of wind from each passing truck. It was fishtailing like a boat. It was going to be a long trip.

After gassing up on I-5 just north of the Los Banos turn-off, Don checked the oil in the step-van and, driving away, noticed that it seemed to running on only 5 of its 6 cylinders. This caused the California emigrants to change course east toward Highway 99 through Los Banos in search of an auto parts store, rather than continue south on I-5 to Highway 158 as they had planned. (This proved to be a very fortuitous course change.)

Prior to the start of the trip, Don had fixed the truck's headlights and turn signal wiring, replace the battery, put in a new starter motor, and changed the oil. So it was a relatively simple matter to lift off the motor cover and check the condition of the spark plugs. All looked good except for the first one, which appeared not to have firing. Don replaced it (in the wild hope that it would do some good) and, while securing the spark plug wire, noticed that it had invisibly come loose from its socket (probably when he had checked the oil at the last stop, inadvertently pulling on the wire with the dip stick). Sure enough, the problem was fixed, and they continued east toward Fresno.

At a truck stop on 99 just south of Fresno, they gassed up again, and Don noticed that one of the rear tires was flat -- the outside right. They fixed the tire, and Don and Diane were soon (it takes at least 30 minutes to change a truck ire) driving away, with the advice that their newly patched but partially rotted tube would probably not hold very long, and that they should buy a new tube and flap at the first opportunity. It was about 9:00 p.m., so they pulled into a Traveller's Inn for the night, where the cats were happy to get out of their carriers, but not too thrilled about being in a strange hotel room.

The next morning, Don found a tire store that carried the hard-to-find 18" tube that the step-van needed. Continuing their journey down 99 and planning to stop at the next truck stop and have the new tube installed, Don had a blow-out on that same right rear tire. Since it's a dual-real wheeler, he was able to drive slowly to a place that fixes truck tires, about 5 or =190 miles down the road. Unfortunately, the 18-inch tire they now needed was only available where Don had bought the new tube. So Don left Diane and the cats with the step-van, while he back-tracked 15 minutes north into Fresno in the pickup to buy a tire. $100. Ouch!

After the new tire and tube were installed, Don tried staring the step-van, but only got a dead "click." The brand new battery was dead. They got a jump start and drove to a Nap auto parts store in some small town south of Fresno where Don bought a new (rebuilt) alternator for $26. It turned out, however, that it was only a broke wire at the alternator, so he didn't have to install the new alternator, just had to fix the broken wire problem and get the battery charged, which took an hour or so. (Better keep the alternator, though, just in case.)

Soon they were headed south on 99 again when, suddenly, a loud noise came from the back of the truck. The inside right rear tire had lost a big strip of its tread. They limped to a gas station and got directions to a place in Pixley run by a couple of Okies who changed truck tires.

It was now almost 5:00 p.m. Don located a Firestone store in Tulare (some 20 minutes north) that had the 18-inch tire and was open 'til 5:30. So, once again, Don left the cats and Diane (and a .25-caliber automatic) with the step-van while he took the Isuzu to Tulare to buy a second tire, tube and flap. When he showed up at the Okie shop with the tire, the owner said, "Oh, you got a new one!" Since the going rate for changing a truck tire was $15, the Okies charged $25, plus $5 for disposing of the old tire ... "seein' how ever'body else is closed and y'all is able to afford a new tire and all ..." (They didn't really say that).

By 6:30 p.m., Don and Diane were again headed south on 99.

Being a full day behind schedule, they decided to keep driving through the night. Also, the cooler night air would be easier on the cats, not to mention the tires of the overladen step-van. Cutting east near Bakersfield onto 158, they headed toward Barstow and I-40. There were no more breakdowns, and by 8:30 a.m., July 1st, they were pulling into a Motel6 in Kingman, Arizona, where they took a room for the day. At about 9:00 at night, again driving all night (on horrible Arizona roads) they managed to make Albuquerque, a dirty industrial city, by the following morning, where they slept in a Motel6 for the day. There, Diane broke a contact lens and was forced to do the rest of the drive without any depth perception. At about 9:00 p.m., they resumed their journey eastward on I-40 toward Texas. Somewhere just past the mountains east of Albuquerque, the air turned from dry to humid and the accents turned southern. They were now in the South.

Oklahoma City was the next motel stop. Oklahoma, as you might guess, is populated largely with Okies, who didn't seem all that friendly, so Don and Diane were glad when they made it into Arkansas the next night. Around 3 a.m., don, having been relentlessly pushed onward by Diane for 3 nights running, needed just a quick rest, so they pulled into a rest area near the town of Ozark in the Ozark Mountains. Spookiest place they'd ever been. The hills have eyes! They were quickly pressing on toward Little Rock, Bill Clinton's town.

The sun was up by the time they pulled into Little Rock for gas. A beautiful place! Don, inexplicably, felt like he was home. The humid Southern air, the horse pastures, the accents, the spooky, deep green forests. It all seemed familiar and right.

On the morning of July 4th, they pulled into an EconoLodge in Memphis, where they spent the day and night, since they weren't allowed to move into their Nashville apartment until the 5th due to the office closed for the 4th of July. That night, it rained for the first time since California, but Don and Diane, exhausted, slept through it, oblivious to the thunder, lightning and flooding that made all the newspapers out West. The rainy drive to Nashville the morning of the 5th was blissfully uneventful, and Don and Diane finally set foot in their new home, a 1-bedroom apartment in a luxury yuppies complex, at around 2:30 p.m.The "trip from hell" was over.

Two days later, Don was noticing he had just alight southern drawl, the calluses from his 7-day death grip on the steering wheel were starting to go down, and he was still more exhausted than he'd ever been in his life.

Warning to Lucy, Jeannie, Tiffany, John, Bill and all other horse people: Stay out of the South. You will not want to leave!

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 7

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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The Belching Frog

Vol. 4, No. 7, September 16, 1992

"Thomas should like this name."

Doug returns again

On August 26, Doug returned from Europe for the second time in as many months. Of course, his first thought upon returning to the U.S. was to arrange for a stopover in Los Angeles so he could visit with The Belching Frog staff and file his report. [See "Postcards from the Road" for a preliminary report.) Doug then stopped over in Bakersfield after L.A., for some reason. We don't know what that was all about. As far as we know, we don't have an office in Bakersfield.

"Coyote" pregnant again!

What is it with this dog? Hasn't Lucy taught her anything about birth control? Anyway, she's pregnant again. [Coyote, that is, not Lucy.) [These jokes are getting stale, don't you think?]

Mike expects Coyote to have a litter of 25 puppies. Lucy predicts a somewhat smaller number.

Speaking of Lucy's dogs, she finally managed to sell one more of Coyote's previous litter -- the lovable Cougar, or "Cougie" as he is affectionately known. He will be sorely missed. Who's going to catch all the bugs around the house now? [Inside joke.)

Diane's brush with fame

At Diane's new chiropractic assistant job, a patient came in named Janice-something but she didn't hear the last name. Turns out it was [singer/songwriter] Janice Ian ("At Seventeen"). That same day, Roseanne Cash ("Seven Year Ache") came in with her four children named Crowell (as in, Rodney Crowell). Diane later asked Don, "Is Roseanne Cash just the daughter of Johnny, or is she famous in her own right?"

"A little bit," Don said, sarcastically.

"Well, I didn't know," Diane replied. "I thought she was white trash, the way she was dressed."

Andy caught smuggling

When June and the kids went to Minnesota, Andy tried to smuggle Snakey, his rubber snake onto the plane. Well, the baggage checkers found Snakey and put him into a separate box to be shipped with the baggage. Talk about discrimination! Seems rubber snakes are prohibited on planes since someone had a heart attack once upon seeing one (honest-that's what they said).

Bill still at same job

We just thought this was pretty amazing.

POSTCARDS FROM THE ROAD

from Don ...

I woke up at 7 [after spending the night (8/5/92) at Bill's house] and decided to just head out early and take a scenic route to Sacto. I went up Highway 1 through Malibu, which turns into 101 below Ventura. Then I took 33 up through Ojai and the Los Padres National Forest. That was a nice surprise. Very pretty, desert-like mountains, with nobody around. I strongly recommend a drive from Ventura, up 33 north, to Highway 166, where the beauty ends. Don't stay on 33 any further north than that, as it becomes "oil road" (more oil fields than you've ever seen in your life).

Take 166 west to Santa Maria and take the coast back, or if you're in a hurry, take it east to I-5. I actually stayed on 33 north all the way to Los Banos, where it was just crisscrossing I-5 and wasting time, so I just got on I-5. Anyway, 33 north of 166 is no good.

I just got back [home] last night [8/12/92]. Took a scenic route through Colorado, and by the time I got to Denver at 9pm, I decided to just make a B-line for home,. So I drove all night 'til 5pm the next day, which got me as far as 70 miles west of St. Louis (a big city), and only about 300 miles from Nashville, another day's drive.

Well, keep the e-mails coming. See ya.

[Editor's Note: Don, Bill and Greg belong to a nationwide computer "bulletin board" (called GEnie) and they regularly send each other "e-mail," or electronic mail. [See article, back page.]

Thanks for your letter, Don. Don't worry, I deleted the stuff about the female hitchhiker and how you beat up a gang of Hell's Angels on your way back home!]

from Doug ...

If you look closely, you can see me swimming in the Danube River in this photo [postcard showing Budapest and the Danube at dusk]. That's because it is very hot (humid). The dollar is still very strong here. Books are a bargain still, although postage to send them home has risen again. To send 5 kilos it costs about $16. Last year it was $10. But still a bargain overall. Apartments are free to visitors (if they are your friends!) So, my first 3 days cost nothing for motels/hotels. I have a rental car and will see much more of the countryside this trip. Near the end I will see Slovakia again for 3 or 4 days. I may visit Romania for an afternoon if it's convenient. (Just to say I've been there!) Most of my trip will be in the same county of our ancestors, speaking with families with the same names to see if we're related. Also, I hope to meet the girl from Kecskemet (in the Recycler). [She placed an ad in L.A.'s "Recycler" stating she wanted to meet Americans.] That town is not far from Szarvas where the Liska family started.

Szia! (see you)

As mentioned in the "Postcards" column, Don, Bill and Greg belong to a national computer/modem bulletin board called GEnie (with Doug and Steve soon to join?). It's a great thing to have if you're into bulletin boards (and you have a computer and modem), for you get access to about 100 different bulletin boards just by dialing one number. Here are some of the "BB's": IBM Product Support, Music, Computer Programming, Show Biz, California, Sports, Japan, Schwab Brokerage, Law Enforcement, Dow Jones, Headline News, Radio/Electronics, Religion, Education, Writers, Space & Science, Genealogy, Amiga, Law, Photography, Shopping, Medical, Travel, Games, Real Estate, Motorcycling, etc., etc.

And I haven't even mentioned Personal E-Mail yet, which you can use to send a message instead of calling long distance! Below are instructions for signing up:

To sign-up for GEnie, use the automated sign-up procedure:

1. Set your communications software for half duplex (local echo) at 300, 1200 or 2400 baud;

2. Dial (toll free) 1-800-638-8369. Upon connection, enter "HHH" (without the quotes);

3. At the "U#=" prompt, enter XJM11718,ALADDIN (no spaces) and press return.

At the end of the on-line registration, a personal User Number and temporary password will be displayed on your screen. Both are required for log-on, so be sure to make a note of them. Then, before you do anything else, download the Aladdin program.

GEnie costs $4.95 a month. And when you first sign up you get 10 hours of free service. Of course, we suggest you log-on to just the free BB's, so it only costs you the basic $4.95 a month. Not all the BB's listed above are free.

For more information, call Bill at (310) x-x.

"HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATIONS"

by Doug

On Sunday, July 12th, I woke up ... but while getting ready for the flight to Portugal the next morning, I never went back to sleep. In Lisboa, my 2nd cousin Homem and her husband Antonio Melo met me at the airport. They served as chauffeurs, tour guides and translators. Teresa's father, Silvano Rocha Homem, is Dad's 1st cousin. Sometimes staying at their apartment in Lisboa and sometimes at Silvano's "grand casa" in Cartaxo (45 min. away in the countryside), they treated me to all the sights possible in the 5 days I spent there. Although Lisboa is full of history, crowded cities with bad traffic problems have never interested me. The best sights were found nearby at "Sintra" where a castle dominates a mountaintop surrounded by rich and beautiful homes and great views. A drive along the coast revealed quaint villages and wonderful cliffs similar to the California coast south of Big Sur.

The topless beaches were also a nice surprise! Don't let anyone ever tell you that the Portuguese girls aren't pretty. Portugal has it's share of beauties. One of them is Teresa's sister, Homem. Ana had modeled at one time, but quit because of the constant concern with her looks.

I met another sister, Cristina Rocha Homem, a lawyer and considered the brightest of the family and very pretty, to boot. Finally there was Homem, the only boy and a very nice person. He is the one that will eventually run the very successful family winery business. I didn't meet the oldest girl, Isabel. All five of Silvano's children are married. Ana and Cristina have husbands that are direct descendants of some of Portugal's oldest noble families. All five also have college degrees; almost mandatory for a person to be successful there unlike in the U.S. Silvano de Abreu Cardoso Rocha Homem, as mentioned, has a really nice house in the small town of Cartaxo. He is semi-retired from his practice as a family doctor, but still works 2 or 3 days a week at home where he has his office. Silvano is a wonderful host. Because of his lack of practice with English he spoke mostly Portuguese with only a few words of English, although at one time he spoke English well. The overall impression one gets by a visit to his home is that you are in the company of a very rich and well respected man who lives in a place that could be described as a hotel with many servants and a music room and dining room fit for a duke.

One can only admire the close relationship of his family who travel every weekend to Cartaxo to visit. The huge house and the winery business come from Silvano's wife's side of the family who has unfortunately suffered many strokes and is now practically helpless.

My last day there was on Sunday, July 19th, and I was treated to an extravagant midday meal before flying to the island of Terceira in the Azores where the Rocha Homem (Holmes) family originates from.

There to meet me was Dad's other 1st cousin, Jose Leal Armas, one of the most important men of the island. Jose is a thoroughly likeable guy. Real down-to-Earth.

Staying at Jose's modest house and sleeping on a antique bed valued at more than $6,000 US dollars, I was shown the way to the Archives of Angra where I spent 50% of my time digging through old records of the island. If it weren't for the fact that the archive closed at 5pm, I would have missed seeing most of the sights a normal tourist would see.

Angra is more than 500 years old and is very interesting to see, especially if one's own family played a part in it's history. Manoel Joaquim Leal da Roza came here as a rich man from Chile and established the first pawn shop, "Prego," of the island. This building and several other family homes were photographed. Seeing these tend to bring to life the history of one's family.

Another benefit from genealogy [besides implementing an "adopt-a-ghost" program on Halloween] is discovering living relatives previously unknown. [As if we don't have enough already!] Such was the case when I and Jose went to the home of Francisco Homem, a farmer in Angra. Jose knew him and called him "cousin" without knowing how they were related. I revealed that they both shared the same great-great-grandfather, Manoel Homem born in 1786. So this man is a 3rd cousin to Dad and Jose.

The research done in Angra, which is not even close to being complete, has revealed the oldest member of the Rocha Homem line to be a Joao (John) Bras born circa 1660. He didn't use the Rocha name, so this is yet another puzzle to solve.

The final portion of my trip was to the island of Pico where the Silveira family (Grandma's parents) comes from. This was the prettiest of the islands visited. Very lush; green plants were everywhere with the dominant mountain soaring 8,000 feet above the sea, from which the island gets its name. São Roque was my major place of interest, where, on Sept. 17th, 1896, Jose Francisco da Silveira and his new wife Emelia Candida Leal left for America. Grandma was born the next year in Sacramento.

Another village of Pico, Piedade, is where the Leal da Roza family (mentioned above) comes from. With the assistance of the taxi driver hired for the day, I was able to meet a heretofore unknown member of that family, Jose Leal da Rosa, a wine-maker in that village. The connection between our families has not been established yet, but it's nice to know the name has not died out in its native land.

Arriving home on Thursday, July 30th at 12:30am, I had 6 days to recover before I was grabbed and thrown onto a plane headed for Budapest, Hungary. Luckily, I was already planning to go there and was fully packed.

Now being a seasoned traveller (my 3rd trip to Europe in two years), I negotiated for free housing in some girl's apartment in Budapest for the first 3 nights there. The girl is Klara Szmodits, a cousin of Irene Poutinen (our cousin) who lives in Florida.

I was soon heading for the countryside of western Hungary where there are beautiful rolling hills and mountains that are a joy to travel through. For a little danger and excitement, I crossed the border into the new Croatian republic to get my passport stamped. To prove this side trip to those inevitable doubters, I got it all on videotape. The trip lasted a whole 10 minutes, but my passport never got stamped -- damn! No gun shots were reported.

Continuing on to Békéscsaba, Hungary to the East, I checked into the Koros Hotel where I stayed last year and where, for $15 a night, one gets a room with a shower and sink but no toilet. I'm becoming a regular there.

One of the main objectives of this trip was to contact living relatives in the towns of Szarvas and Mezobereny where the Liska family has its roots. Re-establishing contact with friends I met last year proved very valuable. In Mezobereny, where grandma Irene (Liska) [redacted] was born, my elderly friends secured permission for me to look through all the church record books for relatives (information after 1895 not available on microfilm). So far, the most valuable result of this is a gift from an 82-year-old man of a big picture of Irma Liska (this man's godmother) who was our grandma's 1st cousin. He also had more family information since he knew many of our relatives. But, sad to say, this branch of the Liska family has no living descendants.

In Szarvas, with the help of my friend Andras Liska (no relation) and his girlfriend who works in the mayor's office, I looked through secret information for more relatives. In addition, the computer gave me the current names and addresses of the family names I was searching for. In this way, I was able to contact many relatives still living in the town where the oldest known Liskas from Slovakia first settled in Hungary after the Turks withdrew in 1700. These families have remained in Szarvas for almost 300 years!

Among the relatives I met were those with the family name of Pecznik, Brauner, Hlivar and Liska. The 84-year-old man, Gyorgy Hlivar, is the last male with the name and therefore that name in Szarvas will die out. He was particularly happy to meet me and he told me the story of his lands and wealth being confiscated by the communists after WW2. And in the book I am planning in the future, he wanted this fact and his sad life afterwards mentioned. He also told the story of the first Hlivar of Szarvas who was the town's first magistrate.

The highlight of the whole trip was the discovery of the last related Liska family in Szarvas. Out of all the many Liskas on the huge family tree I made, only this family still has the name of Liska. Surprisingly, one of them, Janos Liska, had seen my photo in the county newspaper from last year's trip when I was interviewed and was trying to meet relatives. Janos contacted the newspaper, but for some reason the paper couldn't give him my address. On the Hungarian "Coronation Day" of King Istvan in 1000 A.D., equivalent to our July 4th, the whole Liska family was gathered for a big meeting where I showed everyone the large Liska family tree and took everyone's portraits. A parting gift of bootleg "szilva palinka" (plum brandy) was received with promises to return there in the future. These Liskas are 5th cousins to us.

The closest relative, a 4th cousin, was discovered by accident while I was looking through the Szarvas church record books. A lady talking on the phone was overheard saying her name was Nobik Erzsebet. Hearing this, I perked up and quickly looked through my notes confirming that the Nobik name was a Liska relative. After the phone call, I introduced himself and showed her my notes hoping this lady would have some information. An Irma Liska had married a Sandor Nobik and these were her grandparents! She was astonished and invited me to her home where we had lunch and talked for many hours (in Hungarian, of course). She was also a 4th cousin from the Pecznik name. So, does that make her the equivalent to a 3rd cousin?! Her occupation is the female equivalent to the priest of the Old Evangelical Church in Szarvas. She had much family information and a few old Liska photos which I copied with my video camera.

With all who met me giving their assurances that they will send photos of any female prospects for my future wife, I finally left Szarvas and headed to Slovakia. Driving on the eastern-most roads possible (within view of Russia), I toured the beautiful hills and valleys of Slovakia. On another whim, I decided to go into Poland where I picked up some teenage Polish hitchhikers returning from camping in Slovakia. After trading for 13,000 Polish zlotys (the equivalent of $1.00) I dropped them off and continued for a few more hours before crossing back over into Slovakia.

In the tiny village of Molca, Slovakia, I found a possible relative named Ondris Pecnik, who is the town official, and his son, Ondris Pecnik, Jr. Finding a lady who spoke Hungarian, I was able to tell Mr. Pecnik why I was there. This man said that the Pecnik family were landowners of this village ever since 1426 according to the records in the local Banska Bystrica archives (the major city nearby). So, there is a very good chance we can trace this family back that far eventually. After promising to return in the future, I again parted company with new acquaintances and headed back to Budapest for one last day.

With the assistance of some friends, I, as Director of the Sacramento Hungarian/American Friendship Society, received permission from the Hungarian National Archives to purchase any of the microfilms of the church record books (the primary source for genealogy research); thus opening up many possibilities in the field of Hungarian genealogy to make money.

During the trip, I decided that in the future (maybe two years from now) I will make an extended visit to Hungary for maybe 3 to 6 months to learn the language well and find a wife. When asked why I want a Hungarian wife, I say because of my interest in Hungarian culture and language and I want any future children to appreciate this heritage as well as the Portuguese and German ancestry. If I married a Portuguese girl, there would be such a dominant percentage of Portuguese that the German and Hungarian ancestry would not likely hold much interest.

I feel most Americans are afflicted with too many ethnic backgrounds, unlike most Europeans, and I prefer to limit the amount of new ethnic backgrounds. But why not marry a German girl? Well, I haven't yet met any that were appealing (admitting that I really haven't met many at all). And hell, the Hungarian women are great cooks!

Psst!! Don't tell anyone, but United Airlines gave me a credit on my Visa for the full $1200 for the flight to Portugal. Hopefully, they'll never find their error. I highly recommend you fly United in the future!

MOVIE REVIEWS

Our staff has been watching a lot of videos lately. Here's what we think of them:

"MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO" -- Definitely not a family movie, though it does address the Republicans' favorite issue of family values from a "how it can all go wrong" aspect. The sleaze gets laid on so thick at times it can be hard to take. But if you're into sleaze, this is your kind of movie.

"RUSH" -- Crime/drug drama. Fairly well-done, but nothing special. Again, if you're sleazy, you'll like this one.

"WAYNE'S WORLD" -- A fairly stupid, yet harmless, flick. Not enough sleaze, I guess.

"BOYZ 'N THE HOOD" -- An excellent movie. Makes a person want to move to South Central L.A. -- NOT! Definitely worth renting.

"THUNDERHEART" -- It was pretty good. We'll give it a thumbs up, as long as you don't expect too much.

"FINAL APPROACH" -- Hard to watch. Fragmented. And the ending really sucks. Basically, a waste of money.

"THE FISHER KING" -- It was okay. [How's that for an in-depth review?]

"BLUE TWO MOON JUNCTION" -- Very well-done, very erotic film. [this one is obviously not family-friendly, either] If you've always wanted to see more of Sherilyn Fenn (of "Twin Peaks"), you'll like this movie.

MEDICAL UPDATE

Diane's back is healing nicely, thank you; though her golf game is still not quite what it used to be.

Lucy's back is also coming along well; though she's not yet back to her world-class marathon speed.

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

Lucy
June
Kristin
Aileen
Tiffany
Grandma
[Grandma celebrates her 95th!!!]

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 8

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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The Leaping Lizard

Vol. 4, No. 8, October 20, 1992

EDITOR'S NOTE ...

After Grandma's recent birthday party (see article below), this newsletter was swamped with requests from people wanting to be added to our mailing list. (Someone had apparently smuggled in a copy of the latest issue.) Anyway, our phones have been ringing off the hook ever since. Seems everyone liked the newsletter. They were probably reading the wrong newsletter, but so what, we added them to the mailing list anyway.

The entire Leaping Lizard staff welcomes all of our new readers! And feel free to contribute news items for inclusion in the newsletter. But please don't get upset if your story is not printed or, worse yet, is twisted and distorted (in the time-honored tradition of the news media) into something that you hardly recognize as what you had submitted.

Oh sure, your first submission will be given the "newsletter treatment" as mentioned above, and you'll probably become very upset. You may even call in death threats to the staff -- feel free! It wouldn't be the first time -- but, you'll eventually get used to this newsletter's casual disregard for the truth.

Thank you. And have a nice day.

Oh, and by the way, in case you're wondering how come this newsletter has a different name than the last one, don't worry. You'll get used to that, too. We do it for tax purposes.

Giant puppies invade Livingston!

Six huge "killer puppies" -- four males, two females -- appeared "out of nowhere" to wreak havoc on the once-sleepy town of Livingston, California.

"I haven't seen anything like it since Godzilla and Mothra!" said Mike. "There were strange crop formations in the back yard, too."

"Oh, come on," said Lucy. "They're just puppies. Now help me name them, would ya?"

This is Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels' fifth, or "E" litter. So, all the names must begin with the letter "E." Mike suggested "Eloise" and "Elvis." Lucy came up with "Eldon." And, here are a few names we would like to suggest: El Cid, El Dorado, El Bow, Eskimo Pie, Episcopalian, Evil Genius, Elevator Music, Electraglide, Ella Fitzgerald, East River Slimedog.

We sincerely hope these suggestions help Lucy in her effort to name this latest litter. It's the best we could do. There aren't a lot of names that start with "E."

Birthday bash at Uncle Tony's

Grandma's party took place at her brother Tony's place in Cameron Park on Sept. 25. It was her 95th birthday, and the guest list read like a who's who of the Holmes family: Tony Silveira and wife his Jean (they live there, so there was no getting around inviting them), Elmer (all the way from Hawaii), Hal & Del, Dolores ("Aunt Sis"), Lionel ("Dad") & Eleanor, Ollie, Lucy & Mike, Steve & Denise, Jeannie and Doug. Grandma was a no show.

Cameras were flashing all over the place and Steve and Doug, of course, brought their video cameras. Doug took the obligatory large group photo, photos of Grandma and all her four children together, and many individual photos. It's been five years since all her children were all together at once -- a historic occasion! Grandma was so happy, she cried! We got this on video, too.

Her 100th birthday is scheduled to be at Doug's place.

Bill buys gun
Goes on rampage

In response to this year's L.A. riots and in anticipation of more, plus the inevitable devastating earthquake and its accompanying aftermath hysteria, Bill has recently purchased a handgun. It's an Astra 9mm Semi-Automatic (for those familiar with guns).

"I'm practicing my aim on small animals around the house," says Bill. "You'd be amazed how many small animals there are around the house, too."

Steve loses braces

Steve has finally gotten rid of his braces. Now he's got the ol' retainer in his mouth. Says Steve, "I'd forgotten what my teeth looked like."

Elmer's home spared by Iniki

Uncle Elmer was one of the lucky ones to completely avoid the wrath of the recent Hurricane Iniki, while others just across the street sustained major damage.

Sheer luck, or divine intervention? Who knows? The Leaping Lizard has most of life's answers, but not this one.

Tiffany to ride at Cow Palace

Tiffany will be riding her horse as part of the "color guard" in an upcoming 4-H Club event at San Francisco's Cow Palace! That's all we know. For more info, call Tiffany. John, Jeannie and family will be going to the Oregon Caves to celebrate this latest of Tiffany's many major accomplishments.

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

Steve
Bill
Thomas
Diane

MISCELLANY

A young female door-to-door canvasser showed up at Dad's door the other day, looked at him kind of funny and said, "You look familiar, but I don't know from where."

Of course, Dad replied, "You probably saw me on the "Sexiest Man Alive" cover of People magazine."

"No, that's not it," the girl replied. And she thought it over until finally blurting out, "I know. You look just like Captain Kangaroo!"

Dad, of course, slammed the door in the girl's face, then went directly to the bathroom mirror. And, as he looked at his reflection, he had to admit, with his longish sideburns and hair falling down over his forehead, he did look like Captain Kangaroo.

Of course, we here at The Leaping Lizard always thought so. We just never wanted to say anything.

Speaking of cars, Dad and Eleanor have just purchased a brand new 4-door Oldsmobile '88 Royale, complete with rack-n-pinion steering, overhead cams, dual exhaust, and fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror. "You know," said Eleanor, "I've always wanted a pair of fuzzy dice."

On the sports scene, Steve is currently playing on two volleyball teams and one "wallyball" team. For those who don't know, wallyball is basically volleyball played on a racquetball court, where you can bounce the ball off the walls.

Mike's uncle Donny [redacted] is providing a great new service wherein he inserts a person's name (any name you want) into a story (nothing like the way we do here in this newsletter) and prints it out in book form. For instance, he can put the names "Max" and "Cindy" (or whatever) in place of "Jack & Jill" and then print that out. It sounds like a great Christmas or birthday gift idea. Call Mike at 209-???-???? for more info.

ADD YOUR OWN NEWS HERE

It's a self-serve kind of thing.

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 1

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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The Stupid Kangaroo

Vol. 5, No. 1, February 1, 1993

Editor's Note: This newsletter welcomes the New Year (kicking and screaming, but that's to be expected) and we wish all our readers (and a few others) a happy, healthy New Year ("Boldog uj ev!" in Hungarian, but you probably knew that).

Did you notice the "Vol. 5, No. 1" above? Yeah, we can hardly believe it ourselves that we've begun our fifth year of publishing this stupid thing!

STEVE & DENISE HOST CHRISTMAS

Yep, the headline pretty much says it all, but we should probably write the rest of this article anyway.

The usual family-gathering-type stuff happened. Food was served and eaten. Drinks were served and drinken, er, drunk.

Speaking of drinks, before the festivities began Mike and Bill were put in charge of getting the drinks for the party (since they're both proven experts in the art of liquid consumption). And, with their orders clearly spelled out by Denise, they dutifully drove to the nearest liquor store. Actually, Mike did the driving. Bill was just a passenger since it's been proven in clinical studies that having more than one driver can cause accidents.

Bill wasn't the only passenger, actually. They found a dog in the car. Some Rottweiler. Nobody's quite sure where it came from.

Once they arrived at the local liquor store and entered, they noticed a young man standing just inside and to the right of the front door. They wouldn't have paid any attention to him normally, if it wasn't for the fact that he seemed to be keeping an eye on everyone in the store. It was like he was standing guard or something. Casing the joint, maybe. Bill and Mike both eyed him suspiciously, but otherwise ignored him as they went looking for beer.

At the beer display case, Bill and Mike got into a heated argument over which beers to purchase. You know, should they get bottles or cans, or two different types -- import and domestic -- or two imports, or two domestic beers? A few punches were thrown, but eventually they settled on a compromised choice of beers and brought them up to the counter.

At the end of the counter, about twenty feet from the front door, there was another young man just kind of hanging out, coincidentally positioned in such a way as to have a good view of the entire store as well as the front and back doors. Bill paid for the beer, wished the cashier a Merry Christmas, and left the store. On their way out, the young man by the front door kept a close eye on Mike and Bill.

Once outside as they climbed back into the car, Mike said to Bill, "I think we may have just walked through a robbery in progress."

"Yeah, I had that same weird feeling," Bill replied.

"What do you say we get the hell out of here?" Mike suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Bill agreed. And that was the end of that. As far as anyone knows, the two young men in the liquor store were completely innocent of any wrongdoing. Maybe Bill and Mike were victims of paranoid delusions. Maybe not. Maybe this newsletter was just hard-up for a story?

MIKE NARROWLY ESCAPES DEATH

Yes, Mike had an eventful Christmas weekend. The following story was certainly scarier than the one above.

Late Christmas Eve (actually Christmas Day, if you want to get technical) while returning from a friend's house, Mike decided to stop for gas. He was in a bad section of town and he knew it, but he figured that in the middle of the night on a Christmas Eve there shouldn't be any trouble.

He was wrong.

As he stood there pumping gas, Mike noticed several apparent gang members hanging out by their cars in the parking lot of the gas station. There was also some idiot spinning circles, or "donuts," in his car about a block away in the middle of the street.

As Mike waited patiently for the gas to trickle into his tank -- it was so cold outside that the gas was only pumping at the rate of about a penny per second -- the car spinning donuts finally straightened out and came screaming toward the gas station. It hopped the curb and came to rest just a few yards from Mike. The driver jumped out of the car, left the engine running, and took off in the direction of an apartment building across the street.

Mike decided he'd had enough of the trickling gas pump, the gang members in the parking lot and the idiot spinning donuts in the middle of the street, and he went to the cashier to pay for his $1.50 worth of gas. By the time he returned to his car, however, the police showed up with lights flashing and sirens blaring.

They asked the young toughs in the parking lot about the donut-spinning car and the whereabouts of its driver, but none of them offered any help. When they asked Mike, however, he pointed them in the direction in which the driver had disappeared. When they asked for a description of the suspect, all Mike could say was, "It was a black guy wearing a Raiders jacket."

"Gee thanks," the cop replied somewhat sarcastically.

Mike thought that was the end of it and he left the gas station. As he drove down the street, however, he noticed in his rearview mirror one of the "gang member" cars burning rubber out of the parking lot and coming up fast from behind in an apparent attempt to catch up with Mike.

As the car caught up and pulled abreast of him, Mike -- with thoughts of being the victim of a "drive-by" shooting in retaliation for "squealing" to the police a few minutes earlier -- ducked down below the level of his car window and continued to drive blindly until the car passed.

The car ran alongside Mike's car for a moment, then finally sped on ahead. A few hundred yards up the street, however, it came to a stop at a red light. When the light turned green, the car did not move. "Great," Mike said to himself. "They're waiting for me." When Mike came to the traffic light, he stopped well behind the light and several car lengths behind the other car, and he waited for it to move.

After a few tense moments, the other finally did pull away and sped off. Mike continued on down the street a good distance behind until the other car eventually turned off the main road and Mike lost sight of it.

"It was an interesting weekend," said Mike with his usual understatement.

---

KANGAROOS ATTACKED ME

by sort of

There I was in Long Beach, California, having lunch down along the docks like I always do. It was a cool Autumn day, early November. I was watching the ships roll in ... then I'd watch 'em roll away again. Whoa-wo sittin' on the dock of the bay ...Sorry. I can't get that song out of my head.

Anyway, I remember noticing several large wooden crates being unloaded from a ship just a few hundred feet to my right. I didn't pay too much attention to them, though. I was busy inspecting my sandwich, trying to figure out what exactly was in it. I could tell that the meat was ham, but the rest of it was questionable.

It was while doing this that I heard loud stomping coming at me from the right. Instantly I froze, stuck out my hands for balance, and looked at the ground. It was a purely instinctive reaction. We'd been having earthquakes lately, and I thought maybe the loud stomping was the beginnings of another one.

It wasn't.

After I had assured myself that the ground was not moving, something told me to look to my right. Intuition, maybe. No, I remember now, it was the loud stomping. Yeah. Anyway, I

glanced to my right ... and there they were. Three large (and one not so large) kangaroos staring at me, just a couple of kangaroo-hops away.

The one not-so-large kangaroo was shadow-boxing. The other three only sat there, balancing on their tails like they do, and stared at me. It was their cold, unfeeling stares that got to me. The way they constantly chewed their cuds was a little disconcerting too. But it was those large black eyes that I remember most vividly.

The little kangaroo was still shadow-boxing when the adult kangaroo closest to it suddenly stuck out its left "fist" and punched the little one, knocking it sprawling into a pile of ropes and nets where it got tangled up hopelessly within about five seconds.

Meanwhile, the three large kangaroos kept staring at me and chewed their cuds. It was do or die time now, I could tell. This sort of thing had happened to me before. Well, not exactly like this but, well, you know.

Suddenly, my wrist-watch alarm went off and the three large kangaroos leaped toward me ...!

[Stay tuned for next issue's episode: Kangaroos Ate My Lunch!]

UFO INCIDENT AT USAF MISSILE BASE

The information you are about to read was supplied to Vangard Sciences by Mr. Warren York. This information was obtained through the Freedom of Information Act. This UFO incident allegedly occurred at Alsworth AFB in South Dakota, about 7 miles SW of Nisland, S.D.

At 20:59, 16 Nov. 1977, Airmen 1C [A-1C"] Phillips, Lims Security Control, telephoned WSC and reported an O2 alarm activation at L-9 and that Lims SAT#1, A-1C Jenkins & A-1C Raeke were dispatched, (Trip #62, ETA 2135 hrs.)

At 2147hrs., A-1C Phillips telephones WSC and reported that the situation at L-9 had been upgraded to a "Covered Wagon" per request of Capt. Stokes, FSO.

Security Option 11 was initiated by WSC and Base CSC. Backup Security Force ("BAF") #1 and #2 were formed. At 23:40, 16 Nov. 77, the following information was learned: Upon arrival (21:32) at Site #L-9, LSAT, Jenkins and Raeke dismounted the SAT vehicle to make a check of the site fence line.

At this time Raeke observed a bright light shining vertically upward from the rear of the fence line of L-9. (There is a small hill approximately 50 yards behind L-9.)

Jenkins stayed with the SAT vehicle and Raeke proceeded to the source of the light to investigate. As Raeke approached the crest of the hill, he observed an individual dressed in a glowing green metallic uniform and wearing a helmet with visor.

Raeke immediately challenged the individual. The individual refused to stop and kept walking toward the rear fence line of L-9. Raeke aimed his M16 rifle at the intruder and ordered him to stop.

The intruder turned toward Raeke and aimed an object which emitted a bright flash of intense light at Raeke. The flash of light struck Raeke's M16 rifle, disintegrating the weapon and causing second and third degree burns to Raeke's hands.

Raeke immediately took cover and radioed the situation to Jenkins, who in turn radioed a 10-13 distress to Line Control. Jenkins responded to Raeke's position and carried Raeke back to the SAT vehicle. Jenkins then returned to the rear fence line to stand guard.

Jenkins observed two intruders dressed in identical green-glowing uniforms walk through the rear fence line of L-9. Jenkins challenged the two individuals but they refused to stop. Jenkins aimed and fired two rounds from his M16 rifle.

He struck one intruder in the back and the other intruder in the helmet. Both intruders fell to the ground. However, approximately 15 seconds later Jenkins took cover and the light [from the intruder's "ray gun"] missed Jenkins.

The two intruders returned to the east side of the hill and disappeared. Jenkins followed the two and observed them enter a saucer-shaped object approximately 20' in diameter and 20' thick. The object emitted a glowing greenish light.

Once the intruders were inside the object, it climbed vertically upward and disappeared over the eastern horizon. BAF#1 arrived at the site at 22:30 and set up a security perimeter. Site Survey Team arrived at the site (01:20) and took radiation readings, which measured from 1.7 to 2.9 roentgens.

Missile Maintenance examine the [AFB] missiles and warheads and found the nuclear components missing from one warhead. Col. Speaker arrived at the site and set up investigations. A follow-up report of this incident will be submitted, by order of Col. Speaker.

Follow-up Information: Raeke was treated at the base hospital for 2nd and 3rd degree radiation burns to each hand. Raeke's M16 rifle could not be located at the site. THE END

---

ALIENS SPOKE TO ME

by

I just started driving. I don't know why. Boredom, I guess.

I left my house around noon. I'd had enough of watching football on t.v. and just felt like getting out. When I hopped into my truck I had no idea of where I might go. East, I thought. To the desert, maybe. "See the desert," I said to myself.

To the desert I went. From the Westside of L.A., I traveled east into the Mojave Desert. Once past the Cajon Pass and up on the high desert plain, the weather turned considerably colder. It had rained the night before, so the visibility was good. You could see for miles.

It would have felt more romantic or adventurous if there was hardly anyone on the road. But this was, after all, the second day of a 3-day New Year's weekend. Half of L.A. was either going to or returning from Las Vegas.

It was about 2 o'clock when I passed through Victorville, 2:30 when I hit Barstow, and about 2:45 when I stopped at a Chevron station in Newberry Springs. I needed a map of the area; one that would show me what to expect from points east and help me decide whether to continue in that direction or return to L.A.

I was inside the gas station/store looking for the map section when I heard a voice. At first I thought it was the teenage girl browsing the candy aisle behind me.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Huh?" she replied.

"Did you say something?" I asked.

"No," she said and hurried off in search of her parents.

The voice spoke again. "Follow me," it said. I heard it quite clearly this time and I became worried. Apparently all these years living in L.A. had finally gotten to me.

"Don't be frightened," said the voice.

"I'm not frightened," I lied.

"Well, good for you," replied an elderly man who'd wandered to within earshot. "Too many people are frightened these days; with crime the way it is, and all. But I ask you, what good does it do ya to be frightened?"

"What?" I asked blankly.

"I said, what good does it do ya?" he repeated.

"Uh, yeah," I replied stupidly.

"Damned drug addict!" he shouted at me and walked away in disgust. Confused now, I went in search of my parents. But then I remembered that I was 32 years old and had moved away from home years ago.

"Return to your vehicle and continue east," the voice continued.

"Why should I?" I asked-silently this time, not wanting to engage in any more conversations with old men or teenage girls. Well, teenage girls would be okay ... but I digress.

"Follow me. You'll be glad you did," said the voice.

"Sounds like a commercial," I said, again silently. You ever tried talking silently? It's not easy. But, again, I digress.

"You watch too much TV," the voice replied derisively.

"Yeah, so?" I made a pathetic attempt at an intelligent response.

"Just do as I say," said the voice, losing patience.

But I didn't do as it said. I walked out of the store, got back into my pickup and returned to L.A. This voice/entity was getting testy. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a testy disembodied voice telling me what to do.

Maybe next weekend I'll return to the desert. I haven't decided yet.

THE END

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

• Michael
• Martin Luther King, Jr.
• Abraham Lincoln
• St. Valentine's Day
• George Washington
• Don
• Eleanor

[Just look at all those American heroes!]

SCRABBLE UPDATE

Lucy of Livingston, California has set a new world's record (or, at least a Livingston record) for a final score in the word game, Scrabble! Over the recent Christmas weekend while playing against her brother Bill (a master Scrabble player in his own right), Lucy scored an incredible 420 points!

ADDRESS UPDATE

Don & Diane

Nashville, TN 37215

(615) x-x

GRANDMA UPDATE

In case you didn't know, Grandma (Mary) Holmes has moved from her long-time residence on Montana Street in Oakland to a new address in San Leandro. Her new address is Parkland Convalescent Hospital, San Leandro, CA 94578.

Anyway, the newsletter staff would like to wish Grandma all the best, and we hope she is doing well and enjoying her new home.

FOR THE RECORD

In the previous issue, we had this picture (inset) at the top of page one. We don't know why, but we did. Anyway, we forgot to mention that Steve was the artist

If you like this lizard and would like to see more of Steve's art, buy his book All Across America?

THE PLEASURES OF MOVING

by Don

Moving again! Agh!

Shades of July. Driving the big fat bob'n-weavin' truck from the storage area to the new house, stalling twice on the way, then 15 miles to the apartment in Brentwood. Diane's following in the Isuzu. I can't make a right turn, I start backing up, hesitating, giving plenty of warning, smack! Dent near the right front tail light on the Isuzu.

I just may sell that truck after this move. Every time I drive it it's with trepidation, taking a couple months off my life. It's about 150 decibels in the cab from the engine noise -- have to take the engine shroud off so just in case it stalls I can spray some ether down the carburetor to start it again. That's only before it's warmed up all the way. The air cleaner won't stay on the carburetor, it keeps falling off, so I just drive it without, with the choke out a little bit. After awhile the vibration starts the choke closing all the way (the knob starts pulling out), until the truck starts losing power, then I have to push it in.

These are some of the little details I didn't mention on my "Trip from Hell" story. Hard to believe I drove it all the way from California!

STAFF PSYCHICS' PREDICTIONS FOR 1993:

1. Los Angeles falls in the ocean, spurring a speculative boom as Japanese bottom-fish the L.A. real estate market;
2. Iraqi army invades New York City, but perishes in gang crossfire in the South Bronx;
3. Washington, D.C. denied statehood, secedes from the Union, ushering in an era of unprecedented prosperity for the United States;
4. Alan Greenspan shocks C-Span viewers by spontaneously channeling the spirit of Ayn Rand in a Senate subcommittee hearing;

5. Physicists discover that walking backwards gets you there faster due to a quirk in the theory of relativity. Sales of rear-view sunglasses sky-rocket.

SPECIAL THANKS:

To Uncle Hal and Aunt Del for their contribution to our ongoing effort to free the world of starvation! (Humor starvation, that is.) Thanks!

See also: Residents Sick From Church Steeple Cell Tower Radiation

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 2

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

---

The Sacred Cow

Vol. 5, No. 2, March 15, 1993

Dad sucked from plane!

Well, almost. And it was 41 years ago. [Hey, nobody can accuse us of being accurate or current (or relevant, for that matter)!]

Anyway, as a big corporate executive for McGraw Hill Publishers in 1952, Dad was flown 1st class from New York to Rio de Janeiro to join the rest of his family who had sailed there earlier that year. With a stopover on the island of Trinidad in the West Indies, the Boeing Stratocruiser continued on to Rio. This plane was designed with one main cabin and a lounge in the belly of the plane -- a level below the main deck. It was in this lounge that Dad was lounging and enjoying the perks that came with being an executive. He was sitting very near the escape hatch for much of the way -- reading magazines, flirting with the stewardesses and boning up on his inadequate "farm" Portuguese.

Well, nothing happened -- with the stewardesses, or the plane -- yet! After safely landing in Rio, however, where Dad joined his family, the plane continued on to Buenos Aires, Argentina. And somewhere between Rio and Buenos Aires, the very seat that Dad had occupied in the plane's lounge had its occupant sucked from the plane when the hatch flung open!

Call it fate, call it luck, call it "joss" or just call Dad (392-1048), but it seems that something very important must have been in the cards for Dad. Was it to raise 5 more kids? Win a pig-calling contest? Write a book? Meet Eleanor? Be President even? Well, all this has been accomplished. Yes, even President. Dad is a past president of Sacramento's Portuguese Historical & Cultural Society.

What then was his mission? We don't know. Why don't you ask Dad?

June gets doused (not soused)

Greg and June had one of their rare nights out recently. They went to a popular nightspot called Music City, owned by Bill Medley of the Righteous Brothers. And, after paying their $5 cover charge, they sat down in front of the bar. Greg asked June if she wanted to move to a better spot, but she declined. So, Greg couldn't really be blamed for what was about to happen.

There was no band that night, but the disco music was good (if you can imagine), so they danced a few dances. June was surprised by how good of a slam dancer Greg was. Anyway, they had just returned to their seats when, suddenly, there was a crashing sound and June was drenched by flying drinks. Talk about madder than a wet hen! Of course, the waitress apologized profusely, but that didn't make it any less cold and wet.

June's first remark was, "This is dry-clean only!" The waitress offered to pay the cleaning bill. June said to Greg, "Let's get out of here!" So, after getting the waitress's cleaning offer down in writing, they left. But a few steps outside the door, June exclaimed, "I want my money back!" And she stormed back in and demanded a refund of their cover charge. The cashier asked, "How long have you been here?" to which June replied, "What difference does that make? I'm soaking wet." Perhaps realizing that discretion is the better part of valor, the bouncer told the cashier to refund June's money.

Wet and smelling like a brewery, but not defeated (because they're used to this sort of thing), Greg and June went home to shower and change. They donned cowboy duds and headed off to the Crazy Horse Saloon, where they spent the rest of the evening dodging the heels of cowboys and cowgirls (and maybe a few cows, judging by how it felt when their dodging was unsuccessful). Despite the sore toes, however, they ended up having a rip-roarin' good time.

Ties to Lisbon grow stronger

In his ever-expanding network of connections with Europe, Doug has established communication with his cousin Homem in Lisboa [Lisbon] via the computer network called INTERNET. Letters are sent and received the same day, making the world ever smaller. Just like a home address, those on the INTERNET have their own address. Doug's address is usually cost only 30 cents to send and receive. INTERNET is a computer network commonly found in universities and used by the faculty and researchers, but is not limited to only them. Teresa doesn't have her own address, but a colleague is letting her use his. The main difficulty is finding the address for those people you think you'd like to write to, such as anyone in Szeged University in Hungary -- not far from Szarvas (the ancestral home of the Liska family).

Joining the computer service GEnie can give anyone access to INTERNET also. So far, Greg, Don, Doug & Bill have joined GEnie and send electronic letters almost daily to each other at no cost above the $4.95 monthly fee. Steve is getting close to joining and we're still waiting for Dad, Jeannie, Lucy and Mike to join. How 'bout you others out there? All you need is a computer and a modem. Just contact Doug or the others to help you get rolling.

Bill quits job

He lasted a year. That's almost a record for Bill. He will work as a temp until he finds another permanent job.

Our Cat "Conan"

by Don

Our cat, Conan, recently received the official title O.H. ("Our Hero") following his name. In official matters, he should now be referred to as Conan the Barbarian, O.H.

In front of witnesses, he beat up and chased off the big tomcat that had mistakenly thought of our house as his own territory. Because Conan is neutered, we were afraid the tough-looking tom, which is about Conan's size and seemingly afraid of nothing, would be too much for him. But Conan, after a few days to decide that the new house's yard was indeed his territory, disposed of the cat in a most business-like fashion, and the tomcat hasn't been seen since. Now we know why neighborhood cats over the years have tended to be scarce around our home.

This also answers a question that has bothered philosophers for years: Are Hayward cats a match for Nashville cats?

Dad on front page of New York Times!

Well, actually it was the front page of LusoAmericano, a weekly Portuguese-American newspaper printed in Hayward, CA. Also, on page 12 is a full-page write-up and photo of Dad hard at work on the next O Progresso newsletter (which, by they way, is being published once more by that well-known and loved company, "PortuCal Press," a Holmes & Holmes joint partnership -- Lionel and Doug ).

The article (in Portuguese) is in an interview format with questions about the book "Portuguese Pioneers of Sacramento" (still available while supplies last!) and a little background of Dad's ancestry and past employment, such as Oakland Tribune editor. One mistake in the article states that Mr. Holmes's late wife was Mary Agnes Silveira, who of course is his mother, not his wife, and is still very much alive and well in San Leandro.

Considered an expert in his field now, apparently, Mr. Holmes has been asked to meet with President Clinton for consultation on Portuguese-American commerce and relations.

---

Devastating earthquake rocks Southland

by , © copyright 1993

A powerful earthquake measuring 8.3 on the Richter Scale brought Southern California to its knees just before dawn yesterday. Hundreds of buildings in the greater Los Angeles area were completely destroyed, dozens more rendered uninhabitable. L.A.'s newly-completed MetroRail subway system collapsed in on itself. Virtually every freeway overpass has either collapsed or been made impassable. Electricity, gas and water services are out throughout most of the Southland. People are panicked in the streets. It is complete bedlam.

Meanwhile, in a quiet little neighborhood on the west side of town where nothing bad ever happens, there sits a man in his apartment, at his computer, completely oblivious to the chaos that has engulfed the city. Two reporters from The Times enter his apartment without knocking -- because they're reporters, dammit, and have the right to do whatever they want in pursuit of a story -- and they ask this man how he can be so calm in the midst of this natural disaster.

"What disaster?" the man asks.

"The earthquake," they say. "Surely, you felt it."

"Well," he says, taking a moment to scratch his butt. "I did feel something last night. But I thought it was just a bunch of fat people running up and down the stairs. They have a lot of fat people living here in the building, you know. So, it woke me up for a minute, but I went right back to sleep. So it was an earthquake, eh?"

"Yes," they say, having trouble believing this guy is for real. "It was a HUGE earthquake. The Big One! You must've at least heard about it."

"Television's not working for some reason," he says. "All I get is static. And the damned paper boy never delivered my paper this morning."

"We're with the newspaper," they tell him. "And we can tell you that there won't be any paper this morning. Might not be another paper for days."

"Damn!" he shouts. "What kinda outfit you running down there at The Times?"

"There's been an earthquake, you idiot!" they shout at him. "Are you completely insane? Have you looked out the window? It's complete chaos!"

"I've been too busy on the computer to notice what's going on outside," he says, agitated. "Now, if you don't mind, would you please get out of my house? I don't recall ever inviting you in, actually."

And that's when the reporters noticed that this man's computer was indeed working, as were his lights.

"How is it that your computer and your lights are working when the electricity is supposedly out throughout Southern California?" they ask.

"Well, it's obviously not out everywhere," he says. One of the reporters goes out into the common area of the apartment building and asks loudly if anyone's electricity is on. A chorus of "no's" from the other tenants was his answer.

"What program are you using there?" the other reporter points to the computer.

"Oh, just some computer bulletin board I belong to," the man says casually.

"Bulletin board? How can you be logged onto a computer bulletin board when the phone lines are down?"

"Well, obviously ..." he begins, but they finish his sentence for him: "... yeah, yeah, obviously not all the phone lines are down."

In the upper left corner of his computer screen is a 3-D multicolored logo. It's a hologram of a slowly spinning planet. And there is some strange-looking writing like hieroglyphics or something below the logo. Translated, it read "Planetary Council." But, of course, the reporters would have no way of knowing this.

"Can we use your phone?" one of the reporters asks.

"Not while I'm logged onto the bulletin board," the man replies.

"It's pretty important," says the reporter. "Yours is the first working phone we've had access to since leaving The Times building."

"'Fraid I can't let you do that."

"Why not?"

"Well, because that would break the connection," the man says.

"The bulletin board connection?"

"Yep."

"But it's really important that we use the phone!" they are shouting at him again. One of the reporters takes this as his cue to make a move toward the telephone, which is located on a little table on the other side of the room.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you," the man says to the reporter. The man is pointing a large-calibre gun at the reporter. Neither reporter is sure where the gun came from. They never noticed it before. But, there it was in his hand.

"Now just back away from the phone," the man says, gesturing with the gun. The reporter complies. "Now, I asked you once and I'm not going to ask you again. Get out of my house." He doesn't raise his voice. The gun in his hand makes that unnecessary.

The reporters left the man's apartment and made their way through the rubble of the earthquake's aftermath to the nearest police station to report this anomalous guy and the fact that all of his utilities seemed to be working while the rest of the county had no such luxury.

An hour or so later when the reporters and police returned to the apartment, however, the man was gone. In fact, not just he was gone, but the entire contents of the apartment were missing! The outer walls were still there, but the rest of the contents of the man's apartment were gone. Everything, that is, except the phone jack in the wall.

The police left in disgust, claiming they had better things to do than follow a couple of idiot reporters around.

Meanwhile, the "anomalous guy" was still at his computer. He was still logged onto his "Planetary Council" bulletin board. And, as far as he could tell, everything was pretty much the same as it was before those damned reporters had stopped by.

If he had bothered to look out his window, he would have realized he wasn't in Los Angeles anymore. But, he didn't really care. His television was working again. He wasn't getting Los Angeles stations, he was getting Planetary Council television. But, he was so used to mentally switching back and forth between Earth reality and Planetary Council reality that he hardly noticed the switch in language, both written and spoken, from English to Planetary Council.

This "anomalous guy" was what they called a "monitor." Just a technician, really. He was the conduit between the two universes -- Earth's and the Planetary Council's. In the larger scheme of things, his existence could be equated with that of the simple phone jack in the wall. He liked to think of himself as more than that. But, to be honest, that's basically all he was.

He soon dropped this train of thought, however, getting depressed thinking of himself in such unflattering terms. He remembered what he had been taught in school: If you find yourself getting depressed or unhappy, stop thinking. Stop thinking entirely. That's what they always told him.

And so, with this in mind, he returned to his computer screen and did his job, like the good soldier that he was.

THE END?

Letters to the editor

"Got your newsletter today, and the first thing I asked Eleanor was: 'What's Bill been drinking?'" -Dad

"That was a pretty good newsletter. I didn't really intend for you to publish my second moving story, but I guess you needed to fill some space, eh? You'll be hearing from my lawyer!" -Don

"I am enjoying your newsletter, and I haven't even read it all yet! But I want to tell everyone, the kangaroo story was not authorized for public consumption. So if any of you got indigestion, it's not my fault. -Greg

"The newsletter arrived today. Great! I just can't believe I wasn't even mentioned in it!" -Doug

"Your newsletter was good. I especially liked the 'Scrabble Update.' Your other stories were pretty weird, but I liked them." -Lucy

"Thanks for your newsletter. It is most enjoyable and clever. I hope you'll keep us on your mailing list." -Jeanne Silveira

Book Review

The Player, by Michael Tolkin. It's been made into a movie. Maybe you've seen it? Anyway, the book is very well written, and we don't say that often. It's about a Hollywood movie studio mogul and what happens to him after a disgruntled writer threatens to kill him. We can't really tell you any more without giving it away. All we can say is that, sadly, it doesn't end the way we would have liked. But it's still good.

The Firm, by John Grisham. I had heard it was good. But it's not, particularly. In fact, I'm pretty amazed it became a bestseller. It must be people's apparent fascination with lawyers that makes it so appealing. It sure isn't the writing. I'm a pretty tough critic, but I figure a bestseller should be well written. Call me crazy. The book starts off well, but by the end the whole thing gets pretty "hackneyed," as they say. Oops, after saying this, I just remembered that it didn't start off well. It was at least page 100 before anything interesting happened! The only reason I kept reading beyond that was because I had heard it was good! Oh well, the middle 100 pages are okay, I guess. Maybe the movie will be better.

Focault's Pendulum, by Umberto Eco. Virtually unreadable, though every once in a while I pick it up again and make another stab at it. If I ever finish it, I'll let you know.

The Edge, by Dick Francis. See "Focault's Pendulum" review.

Movie Review

SCENT OF A WOMAN. Stars Al Pacino. Has nothing to do with women, actually, but it's still a good movie. We recommend it. Can't really say much about it without giving things away.

HEXED. A comedy. Kind of stupid. Can't really say we recommend it. Wait 'til it comes out on video.

BASIC INSTINCT. Sexy thriller. Not bad, although it starts and ends kind of weakly. All in all, though, it's not bad. It's on video.

---

Lunch at Jack-In-The-Box

by

Driving around town the other day, I somehow ended up in Hollywood. I don't get to Hollywood much anymore and don't usually find myself missing it. But it was a beautiful day. And seeing all the quaint shops -- each one striving for uniqueness -- and the many people on the street -- each one striving for a unique sameness -- I wondered why I ever left. On this day, Hollywood truly seemed like the place to be.

Getting hungry, I started looking for a hip, cool place to have lunch. I passed by several places with tables on the sidewalk and young, hip, sunglass-wearing people sipping coffee and smoking cigarettes. But I couldn't have lunch at one of these places. I was alone. And, in Hollywood, alone people just don't sit at sidewalk cafe tables for lunch.

As I stopped at a traffic light I saw a Jack-In-The-Box restaurant on my left -- not exactly a cool, hip place to have lunch. But I was tired of driving around, and my stomach was telling me to stop here for lunch.

"What about the recent food poisoning scare?" I wondered.

"Well, yeah, there's that," my stomach answered. "But, wasn't it their hamburger meat that was contaminated?"

"Yeah, so?" I countered.

"Well, you never buy their burgers," my stomach reasoned. "You always go for their chicken sandwiches."

"You're right, of course," I acquiesced. And in a reckless, daring move, I stopped for lunch.

The first thing I see as I pull into the parking lot is this bum -- or should I say a "mentally-challenged, emotionally-disabled, financially-disadvantaged, homeless person"? "Bum" is easier. Anyway, he's standing there in the middle of the parking lot, completely filthy, hair sticking out in all directions, pants half-way down his legs, obviously incoherent, staring off into space. Probably a Scientologist.

As I enter the restaurant there's this young rock 'n roll poser-type -- complete with long blonde hair, black tank-top shirt, multi-colored spandex pants and white sneakers -- having lunch with his nubile bimbo girlfriend in white spandex pants, black leather boots and some sort of fishnet over a pink t-shirt. They're like cardboard cutouts.

I approach the cashier and order the "Chicken Supreme" sandwich, "Seasoned Curly Fries" and a Coke. I sit down at the corner table furthest from the door and start in on the curly fries.

In walks this girl. I wouldn't have noticed her except that she's shouting "Hey!" at someone as she staggers through the door. She looks to be about twenty, with medium-length dirty-blonde hair, narrow-set angry eyes, small pinched mouth. She's obviously on drugs.

At first, I think she's just another whacked-out homeless person, and I hope she'll leave as soon as she realizes that food costs money. But she doesn't go way. In fact, she's brought friends. Two young "dudes" -- she calls them both "dude" -- stagger into the restaurant a moment or two behind her. They look fairly strung-out on drugs themselves. And, unfortunately, it looks as if they intend to order lunch and eat here.

At the cashier counter, the girl is being extremely bizarre, talking loudly at one moment only to mumble something beyond my hearing the next. I keep an eye on her because she's so deranged, and I'm afraid she might come near me.

I seem to attract these weirdos. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I look at them. I make eye contact. And weirdos are used to having others look away. So when they catch me looking at them, no matter how fleeting that eye contact may be, they get a glimmer of hope that I might actually talk to them, or listen to them, or give them money, or make some sort of acknowledgement of their existence. Of course, I generally don't. But this is probably what they're thinking.

Anyway, I'm at my table in the corner of the restaurant and there are about twenty other tables available. But which table does this girl (and her tag-along "dudes") choose? That's right -- the one right next to me.

My first thought is to immediately move to another table. But I'm hesitant because I get the impression the girl is paying attention to me (with what's left of her mind) and she might be insulted if I get up and leave. I don't want to insult her because I'm afraid she'll go into some sort of mad, drug-induced tirade aimed at me, and I would then be forced to eat my lunch in my car.

I hope she moves to another table, saving me the trouble. I don't know what makes me think this will happen. Maybe it's because she reminds me of a wheel on a bent axle: liable to fly off in any direction at any moment, and I'm hoping she will fly off in the direction furthest away from me.

She starts barking at one of her dudes, "Get me an ashtray! I need an ashtray!"

I don't know if she's going to start smoking or if she just wants an ashtray to lick the bottom of.

I finally get up and move to the opposite corner of the restaurant. I feel her eyes upon me a couple of times while I eat, but I never look in her direction again. I've made too much eye contact already for one day.

I can't wait to get back home.

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 3

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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A Face in the Crowd

Vol. 5, No. 3, May 25, 1993

Eleanor Gets License

After taking the DMV driving test every year since the age of 16, Eleanor has finally passed and been given her drivers license!

"It just goes to show that perseverance pays off," said Eleanor.

Bill Moves

In keeping with his religious belief of moving once a year or so, Bill has done just that. His new address is: _____ Woodbine Street, #_, Los Angeles, CA 90034, (310) x-x. Bill currently leads the Holmes family's ongoing Moving Contest by about 7 moves. You were aware there was an ongoing contest, weren't you?

Greg Builds Computer

How'd he do it? Well, after several hours of slaving over a hot computer, Greg says, "I took it to the place I bought my new one from and, for a fee, they set it up for me!"

Diane Crashes Motorcycle, Buys Table

Diane took her first ride on her Honda Rebel 250 the other day. She rode around the front and back yards. The seat height is low enough so that she can easily keep from falling by putting her feet down. She only fell once when riding over a small branch [just a twig, really].

Also, Diane got her big, fancy electric [chiropractic] adjusting table recently. As of this writing, she had used it for one patient so far. It takes three people to move, and that's because it has wheels on one end, otherwise you'd need four people to carry it.

Doug Goes To Swap Meet

Doug went to his first computer swap meet recently at Cal-Expo. There was a $6 entry fee but, says Doug, it was worth it. He bought three FAX/Modems -- one for Dad, Jeannie and himself. They were only $25 each and the company is local (Byte Brokers by A.R. College in Sacramento), and if they don't work, Doug says "I'll complain." [As it turns out, they didn't work, and he took them back.] Another thing he got was some software called 386MAX for $39. And last but not least, he purchased CorelDraw3! We're all pretty excited about it.

Speaking of Doug, he just recently finished his Mother's Day weekend selling personalized mugs at the mall, and reportedly had a fantastic week of sales!

Tiffany, Thomas At It Again

During a May 1st horse show, John & Jeannie's daughter, Tiffany, and her horse (whatever its name is) finished first in both Trail Class and Western Pleasure, 2nd in Western Equitation (whatever that is), 6th in Showmanship, and she earned the title "Reserved Champion" in the 12 & under class. And by the time you receive this newsletter, she will have participated in another horse show on May 15th.

Look for Tiffany and her horse to be running in next year's Kentucky Derby.

Thomas is playing t-ball for the Oakland Athletics' t-ball farm club in Lathrop. At this writing, the team was half way through the season, and they were on a winning streak. Go team!

Andy Earns Karate Belt

Greg & June's son, Andy, has been taking karate lessons. And guess what? Well, you probably guessed that he's earned a karate belt, but that's just because you cheated and read the headline! What you probably didn't know is that it was a yellow belt. Did you even know that there was a yellow belt?

Anyway, if you've always wanted to hang out in dark alleyways but didn't because you were afraid, now you know who to call for protection.

Lucy Goes To Philadelphia

Nobody knows why. She just seems to like to go to these far-off, exotic places like Philadelphia, Fresno, Bakersfield, etc. We're guessing it had something to do with her DMV undercover detective work.

Steve Opens Computer Dealership

Yes, that's right folks. Just ask Denise. When Steve came home with 8 IBM XTs, it just confirmed the rumor. Actually, Steve has purchased these old used computers for his math classes. Steve has lots of computer programs he has written or stolen to make math more fun and interesting, even understandable. So, with the other 20 or so Apple and Tandy computers he already has, Steve has about one computer per 2 or 3 kids. And all this is out of his (or Denise's) own pocket. What a guy!

QUOTES

• "A moment of silence for all those fans of people who have died."
  • - Mike (after a moment of "dead air" on his radio show)

• "Gore-Tex has microscopic holes that make it able to 'breathe.'"
  • - Doug

Living In L.A.

Living in L.A. is a lot like reading a book that you'd heard was good. From what you've read so far, you're not impressed. But you keep reading anyway, hoping that eventually it'll get better. The only problem is, it doesn't get much better and, after having finished the book, you find yourself wondering how it ever got such a good reputation.

A lot of people moving to Los Angeles from other parts of the country and the world (and practically everyone in L.A. comes from somewhere else) spend most of their time driving around town trying to find that "certain something" that they "know" must be there. Sadly, when they finally realize that "it" doesn't really exist, that "it" is just another Hollywood movie prop, they return, disillusioned, to their home town.

L.A. people are shallow, and they're proud of their shallowness. It's a running con in L.A. Everyone tries to see how "deep" they can pretend to be while still maintaining their shallowness.

MISCELLANY

• Dad was born on Casanova's birthday, which might explain why he has so many children.
• Song of the Year (and our new anthem): "I'm A Creep" by Radio Head.
• What do you call bowling fans, anyway? Pinheads?
• Maybe we should change our Song of the Year award, since Jim House's latest song "I'm Not That Lonely Yet," recorded by Dwight Yoakum, has hit #1 on the Country charts! Another song of his, "In A Week Or Two," recorded by the group Diamond Rio, made it all the way to #2 on the Country charts a couple of months ago.

NEWS FROM SACRAMENTO:

Father & Son On Front Page

Lionel Holmes's (aka Dad) work was recently published once again in the Portuguese Heritage Journal (see back page) where he interviewed "Mr. Portugal" (Frank Dias) of Sacramento. Both the article and accompanying photo of Mr. Dias, taken by Doug, made the front page (of course). The article even mentioned Dad's and Doug's partnership in "PortuCal Press" which will publish genealogically-related material.

Something equally amazing is Doug's first ever published article, "Acquiring Czech Republic and Slovakia Phone Books," appeared in the Nase Rodina ("Our Family") newsletter of the Czechoslovak Genealogical Society International, Spring issue. This article also proved to be front page material, and Doug even received a call from a reader in New Jersey asking for more help with research of his surname in Hungary and Slovakia.

Rumors are rampant that William [redacted] Holmes (aka Bill) will be published by Bantam Books this Fall. It is a fantasy/sci-fi thriller yet to be titled. The publishing deal is reportedly in the seven figures range. Way to go, Bill! [For details, see interview of Bill.]

In a related story, Lionel Holmes reports a ceremony in August in which he will be knighted by the Portuguese government. He will henceforth be known as "Dom Leonel" to all but his immediate family, who may address him as "Sir Dad."

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

[The following letter is in response to last issue's "Lunch at Jack In The Box" story. It's only in the interest of fairness that we're re-printing it here. We give this letter an "R" rating. Sensitive readers will most likely find it objectionable.]

• The story was all a lie. Well, most of it. Sure I was at the Jack in the Box. I was chased in there by these two dudes, too. From there, that reporter just wrote a bunch of filth. I'll be calling my lawyer tomorrow.

  What really happened was that these two suits -- you know, those guys with three buttons tattooed on each wrist? -- well, they were a couple of government employees, leeches on public money, down here from that hick-town capital, sent here by governor Winston, or Camel, or something. These two guys took me for some sort of hooker -- I don't know why.

  Anyway, I guess Jack in the Box wasn't "cool enough" for them either and they had some per-diem to eat at a sidewalk place. They weren't hungry enough for me, if you know what I mean. So, anyway, when I got the bimbo from behind the counter to understand what I wanted, (I tried yelling, but sign language seemed to work better. I think it was my putting my fingers sticking up on my head and mooing that got her to figure out I wanted a burger).

  As I was saying, that reporter gave me the eye when I came in the door. Now, he really was hungry! He kept watching me. I sat in the far corner from him, but he kept undressing me with his eyes. I finally got up and grabbed an ash tray. After grinding my cigarette in it, I sauntered over toward him. I could tell he was hot for me. I sat in the booth next to him. I then turned toward him, held out the tray, and asked, "Do you prefer kissing it, or a piece of it?" When he didn't understand what I meant, or if you don't either, we were speaking of ash.

  I dumped the tray in his lap and walked out. That really got him hot. It made me wonder if he was one of those S & M guys. Well, anyway, he chased me outside. The two suits were coming by again. So to play with their minds, I loudly said, "Well, if you insist, I'll give my number to you," and I jotted it down on a deposit slip with some red lipstick and threw it to him. Ha, you should have seen him jump at it to catch it before it hit the ground! -- the girl from Jack in the Box

• I probably missed the deadline for the "Vicious Flamingo" or "Disinterested Dinosaur" or whatever you're calling your newsletter this month. -- Dad

  • [Nope, you didn't miss it. But you gave us a couple of good titles to use for future issues! -- Ed.]

• I'm looking forward to your next newsletter. It better be good! -- Eleanor

  • [Isn't it always? -- Ed.]

Interview

• Face In The Crowd: I just read that you've landed a book publishing deal, reportedly in the seven figure range.
• Bill: Yeah, you just read it in this newsletter.
• Face: Well, is it true? Seven figures?
• Bill: Yeah, seven figures. Unfortunately, they're stick figures.
• Face: I don't get it.
• Bill: Yeah, I know.
• Face: Do you begin all of your sentences with the word "yeah"?
• Bill: Yeah.
• Face: Back to this book publishing deal. Is there a deal, or not?
• Bill: There is no deal with Bantam Books or any other publisher. It's just a vicious rumor.
• Face: So it would seem that, once again, we have interviewed someone for no good reason.
• Bill: Yeah.

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 4

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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Not Just Another Newsletter

MONDAY, JULY 19, 1993

CIRCULATION: From 8 to 15 (depending on our mood and how many stamps we have)
Copyright 1993 / Enterprises / 2 pages

BILL ARRESTED

That's right. Bill, this newsletter's editor, was arrested -- twice! -- last month and released on his own recognizance by the almighty California Highway Patrol.

His first altercation happened as he was driving north on Highway 395 along the back side of the Sierras in the small town of Lone Pine. His conversation with the officer went something like this:

• CHP: You need a camper shell on your truck.
• Bill: Yeah, it could use one.
• CHP: No. I mean, you need a camper shell on your pickup.
• Bill: Huh?
• CHP: Without a camper shell, your truck has to have commercial license plates.
• Bill: Oh.

The next infraction occurred as Bill was tooling down I-5 on his way back from Livingston to Los Angeles. The cop pulled him over and said basically the same thing as the first cop. Bill presented his earlier "fix-it" ticket to this second cop. But this guy wasn't impressed. He said the first cop had cited Bill incorrectly, and he would do Bill the "favor" of citing him correctly.

Anyway, Bill got new plates, sent $10 to each CHP officer's county courthouse, and he is no longer on the run from The Law.

DON RIDES TO DENVER

On July 15, Don hopped on his motorcycle and rode from Nashville, Tennessee to Denver, Colorado. He hasn't been seen since.

"Oh, he'll show up eventually," says Diane.

STEVE NOW A MILLIONAIRE!

Based on the scientifically-proven method of horse race betting devised by his brother Bill, Steve, with a single $2 bet on a horse with 1000-1 odds (and a heavy limp), has become Sacramento's newest millionaire. (Never mind that the math doesn't add up. Steve's a math teacher. He knows what he's doing.) Steve has now retired to a life of bicycle frame-building and helping his daughter Kristin with her coloring books.

For your own copy of these sure-fire racetrack betting materials, please send your endorsed paychecks to c/o this newsletter.

When this reporter asked Bill why he didn't use his own methods to become the first family millionaire, Bill mumbled something to the effect of, "Oh, that wouldn't even be a challenge..."

TIFFANY HIGH-POINT CHAMPION!

Tiffany achieved the status of "High-Point Champion" for her work with her horse (whatsitsname) in 4-H competitions this year. She got her picture in The Lathrop Bulletin and won this new set of luggage, as shown.

DIANE RIDES AGAIN

Diane finally got out of the yard with her motorcycle recently. She rode around the parking lots near her house, even venturing onto public roads briefly. Says Don, "She was at it for about an hour and practically had to be pried off the bike!"

THOMAS RETIRES

Thomas has "retired" from t-ball in order to pursue a career in karate. His goal is to catch up to his cousin Andy.

MICHAEL REASSIGNED

From now on, Michael will be working three days a week at his company's (Manus Enterprises) Mokelumne Hill location. The other two days he will be in Turlock.

Michael is basically in charge of filling all orders placed with Manus's subsidiary, Health Research. Health Research is a publisher of hard-to-find books of all sorts.

"Our core customers are basically the lunatic fringe," says Michael. "You know, homeopathy fanatics, UFO believers, conspiracy theorists of all sorts. That sort of thing. This newsletter's staff are some of our biggest customers, actually."

GREG & FAMILY HIT THE ROAD

Greg, June, Aileen, Brian and Andy have embarked on their five-week nationwide tour. They left Santa Ana, CA on July 10. They plan on visiting Greg's Uncle Lenny in Texas; Don and Diane in Nashville (assuming Don returns from Denver); and they will spend the bulk of their time with June's family in Minnesota.

JOSÉ HONORED BY PORTUGUESE PRESIDENT

José Leal Armas, a cousin of the Holmes family, received a very high honor recently when the President of Portugal awarded him for his long-time efforts in the field of agriculture in the Azores. José is Lionel Holmes's first cousin (his mother was the sister of Grandpa Manuel Joaquim Leal Homem), and he lives in the city of Angra, Terçeira, Azores.

GRANDMA WINS AWARD

Grandma Mary Holmes was recently named "Patient of the Month" at Parkland Convalescent Hospital in San Leandro! The funny thing is, she's not even a resident of that hospital!

INTERVIEW

• Newsletter: So, Steve, we hear you've painted your house brown!
• Steve: Yes, that's right.
• News: Was it a big decision to go ahead and do it?
• Steve: Well, the hardest part was choosing the color. We didn't want it to look too much like the other neighbors' houses.
• News: Wasn't your house brown already?
• Steve: Yeah.
• News: I don't want it to sound like a dumb question, but if it was brown before and you painted it brown again, what did you accomplish?
• Steve: It's a little darker than it was before.
• News: Uh ... having done some painting of my own, if I'm not mistaken, paint tends to fade in time. Let's say in a year from now; will your house look any different than before you painted it?
• Steve: Sure! The paint will be one year newer than it would have been otherwise!
• News: I see. So, since your house is brown now, and it was brown before, I guess it's pretty safe to say that there aren't too many houses on your street that look like it.
• Steve: No, not really.
• News: Then there are a lot of houses that look like yours?
• Steve: No! I'm just saying it's not safe to say that painting it brown made it any different from the others. It could have been that the neighbors also painted their houses brown.
• News: You have a point there. An intriguing point, I must say. So, for you readers out there who go visiting Steve and Denise, don't bother to look for a newer looking house ...
• Steve: Hey, wait a minute! It looks newer! I just got through explaining that!
• News: Okay, okay. Can we change the subject?
• Steve: No. I just want to talk about paint!

[Stay tuned for a continuation of this fascinating interview, next issue!]

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 5

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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the rabblerouser

Vol. 5, No. 5, August 8, 1993

Bill moving to Nashville

Bill is moving to Nashville, Tennessee to pursue his boyhood dream of being a country singing star! Oh wait, that's Don's boyhood dream. Bill's just moving there for the hell of it.

"What did you expect?" says Bill.

To celebrate the fact that Bill is moving two thousand miles away, Doug is planning a "Get Lost Party." It will be at Lucy's house on Lucy's birthday.

Once in Nashville, Bill will be staying with Don and Diane until they get sick of him and kick him out, which will probably happen within the first week.

Coyote Spayed

Lucy found a stray coyote in her backyard recently and promptly spayed it, right there on the spot. "It seemed like the thing to do," she explained. "Don't you ever get these urges that, no matter how illogical, you feel compelled to follow?" she asked this reporter. And that's when this reporter got on his bicycle and pedalled away as fast as he could.

A second reporter was then sent by this newsletter to Lucy's sprawling ranch high up in the hills of Livingston to verify the first reporter's story. And, as it turns out, it was Lucy's dog, "Coyote," who was spayed. And it was done by a veterinarian. In a hospital. Following the surgical procedure, Coyote reportedly moped around the house, missing meals, for a couple of days. "She missed her uterus," Lucy explained. "But she's okay now."

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

Lucy

MISCELLANY

I offered this article [recently appearing in the Sacramento Bee] to Doug for his first Hungarian newsletter, but he didn't think it was appropriate. Your newsletter, however, never let bad taste stand in the way. -- Dad

Snap, crackle and ...

General Mills thought it smelled a winner when it introduced a new cereal called Fingos on the East Coast last spring. The cereal is a snack food designed to be eaten with the fingers -- hence the name. But the folks who came up with the Fingos moniker apparently didn't do all their homework. A caller to The Bee informed us that in Hungarian, Fingos is a rather impolite term meaning someone who expels gas from the lower intestinal tract. [A fart.]

Kathryn Newton, public relations manager for General Mills in Minneapolis, said the company did lengthy research on the name, including trademark infringement and foreign language definitions. But they never considered Hungarian.

---

There are some disturbing things going on in this country these days, and I just felt the need to share the following with you. The following three articles are by various authors and were downloaded from computer bulletin boards.

More on the "October Surprise"

The badly decomposed body of Paul David Wilcher, age 46, was found [recently] at his Washington DC apartment. Mr. Wilcher was an attorney and an investigative researcher who had been working with Gunther Russbacher, the "October Surprise" pilot, trying to prove that the Reagan 1980 campaign conspired to delay the release of the 52 American Embassy hostages held in Iran.

Mr. Wilcher recently had told friends and colleagues in Washington that he knew far more about October Surprise and all the related scandals such as Inslaw, BCCI, and other government scandals and coverups, than did Danny Casolaro, the reporter and writer who was "suicided" in Martinsburg, West Virginia in 1990. Even though Mr. Casolaro's death was ruled a suicide, there are still many unexplained questions which leave many people feeling that he was murdered to keep him from exposing a network of government corruption which he termed "The Octopus."

Mr. Wilcher's friend and colleague Marion Kindig said that he had expressed concern that he might be killed for "what he had in his head."

[3 paragraphs deleted]

Gunther Russbacher had recently arranged for a controversial video tape to be delivered to Mr. Wilcher. The video tape was the cockpit video of the flight back from Paris in an SR-71 spy plane. Mr. Russbacher has claimed that the reason he is in prison is to discredit him and keep him quiet about his role in the 1980 October Surprise scandal. According to Mr. Russbacher, the cockpit video tape will conclusively prove that he did fly George Bush back from a Paris meeting on October 20, 1980. This tape was supposed to have been delivered to Mr. Wilcher sometime between the 10th and the 19th of June 1993. No one, except government authorities, has been allowed inside Mr. Wilcher's apartment. No one has any idea if any of his data and research is still there. No one knows if the tape was delivered, and if it is still in the apartment.

The "Bilderbergers"

How many heard about or read what David Rockefeller said to Katherine Graham during the June 1991 meeting of the Bilderberg Society in Baden Baden, Germany? David Rockefeller -- chairman of multinational Chase Manhattan Bank; Czar of the Council on Foreign Relations; founder of the Trilateral Commission; Overseer of the worldwide Rockefeller financial and banking network established by Mayer A. Rothschild in the 18th century; labelled by Time Magazine "the prime mover in banking that controls the course of world economic affairs and world history" (Sept 7, 1962); and said by the Emperor of Japan and the Monarch of Thailand to "outrank royalty," began his opening address to the assembled elitists by saying:

"We are grateful to the Washington Post, The New York Times, Time Magazine, and other publications whose directors have attended our meetings, and respected their promises of discretion for almost 40 years. It would have been impossible for us to develop our plan for the world if we had been subject to the bright lights of publicity during these years."

Following Rockefeller's welcoming address, the report stated, the Bilderbergers reviewed their agenda for the unity of Europe, including their plans for a common European currency and a central European bank to be modelled after the USA's Federal Reserve Bank.

Also discussed at the meeting was how they wanted the 1992 elections to proceed. There it was determined that the Democratic Party regulars in all 50 states controlled by the Bilderbergers would get in step and line up behind presidential candidate Bill Clinton. Oh, and by the way: Bush, Quayle and Clinton were all present at the meeting, as were Henry Kissinger, The Prince of Wales, Helmut Shmidt, Wilhelm Christians, and Mikhail Gorbachev, and a few others whose names escape me at the moment.

There was a time when I believed that being a member of the Council on Foreign Relations wasn't necessarily an indictment. Not anymore. This isn't to say that the "new world order" views of Rockefeller, Kissinger, and Breczinski [sp?] and others in the CFR/TC (Council on Foreign Relations/Trilateral Commission) "inner circle" are shared by all members. Any "conservatives" present are probably invited there for "window dressing." My opinion is that all members have had ample opportunity to observe the disastrous results of nearly 50 years of CFR-managed intelligence, military, and foreign policy by now.

Ever heard of Wackenhut?

Wackenhut World Technologies, Inc. handles all intelligence-related and "Ultra" classification security work for U.S. interests in the world. They received this assignment from the Reagan Administration when they "privatized" the protection of our nuclear arsenal and took it away from the jurisdiction of the U.S. Marine Corps. The Wackenhut Group is headquartered in Florida. They also have a branch in Las Vegas that handles Security at Groom [Lake] and Area 51, etc.

They are privately owned and operated. Their board of directors is made up of former (and current) CIA, FBI, Div. 5, NSA, ISA, NRO officials. They are funded by the "Russell Trust" which is a "black fund" organization. The Russell Trust also funds the "Skull and Bones Society." Wackenhut is extensively involved in the activities of the Drug and Arms Operations with a group of government operatives known as the "Black Rose" which runs these operations in both S.E. Asia (the Golden Triangle) and the Middle East (Iran & Iraq border and Iran & Afghanistan border (the Golden Crescent)).

The current chairman and co-founder of the Black Rose is an individual who is known as the "White Rose" or "G.H.W.B." [George Bush] who developed the Heroin Ring while acting as Ambassador, as well as in his activities in the intelligence community and his oil businesses. The Black Rose also run cocaine through Panama to the off-shore oil rigs owned by Zapata Oil [owned by Bush].

Dr. Earl Brian (who worked extensively with the intelligence community) was involved with "Mind-Control Operations" for Naval Intelligence ("Project Bluebird/Artichoke/Dancer). Dr. E.B. was also the person who, with formal U.S. diplomatic immunity, carried the proceeds from the Golden Triangle out of Thailand (computer codes) and took the funds to Australia. It was Dr. Brian that assisted Dr. Nichols in setting up the Cabazon Indian Reservation Underground Base, with the Black Rose and Wackenhut. It was Dr. Brian that "oversaw" Michael Riconisciuto's creation of the software program that was stolen from William and Nancy Hamilton that owned and founded INSLAW. This was done at the Cabazon Facility. The building of this underground base was facilitated through HUD grants. Wackenhut and the Nichols family also have partnership in the large power plant off of Hwy. 111 near Palm Springs. Dr. Nichols is in jail for the murder for hire of Fred Alvarez and two associates, but his son is still running operations at the reservation. The hit team has never been uncovered. The bag man for the team is currently in hiding (James Jimmy Hughes), as is an intelligence operative who helped him. The intelligence operative that took him into hiding is closely connected to the downfall of Sid Shaw and Centennial Savings.

Dr. Nichols also had a business partner by the name of G. Wayne Reader who is also a "black world" operative (CIA). He is a business partner of Neal Bush and is connected to the downfall of Silverado Savings and Loan and San Marino S&L.

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 6

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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Hoot and a Holler

Vol. 5, No. 6, September 28, 1993 -- Nashville edition
Journalism at its finest! -- Yearly subscription rate: $135

Brouns family buys property

LATHROP, CA -- John, Jeannie, their kids, Tiffany and Thomas, John's sister and Tiffany and Thomas's aunt, Anna, and Anna and John's parents and Jeannie and John's kids' grandparents, Joseph and Tina, (seventeen people altogether) pooled their resources and have purchased a sprawling 5-acre ranch in Tracy, California. It's so big it makes Lucy's ranch in Livingston look small! But, like all ranches, it needs a name. So please call Jeannie and give her some ideas.

There are three buildings on the property: the main house, a barn/garage which will be converted into a second house (we think), and a horse stable. Tiffany will be staying in the horse stable in a "tack" room that has its own bathroom and utilities.

Says John, "We haven't figured out where to put the Ferris wheel yet, but we'll find a spot for it."

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

• June
• Kristen
• Aileen
• Tiffany
• Grandma Holmes
• Steve

Doug flies to Hungary (again!)

SACRAMENTO, CA -- On September 21, Doug flew to Hungary (for the third time!). He will return to Sacramento on October 14. This time, he promises to bring back some distant relatives. "It's basically a recruiting mission for the Hungarian-American Friendship Society," Doug explains.

See Doug's itinerary below:

HUNGARY ITINERARY

by Doug

• 22 Sept -- Arrive Budapest -- go straight to Békéscsaba. Meet friends and pass out want ads for buxom blondes throughout the land. [Just kidding... or is he?]

  With no actual dates set down yet, I plan to research in the local archives and library of Békéscsaba and Szarvas, meet some of the relatives I found last year, and meet new ones. Try to find any relatives living in Mezobereny (where our grandma Liska was born) and where I have some friends.

• Travel north to Debrecen and the archives there to determine the size of our great-great grandfather ... er, the size of his property in Mezo-Keresztes in 1858 (BALLA Janos was a "small landowner"). I plan to stake a claim for it. [Just kidding again, we think.]
• Visit Budapest to meet friends and research in the library and archives for more of the same kind of stuff. Plus see some things I missed on prior trips.
• Meet up with my friend, Felix Game, from Canada and visit Vienna and a village in Hungary where some of his ancestors are from. Go to the newest Capital of Europe, Bratislava, Slovakia, and see other parts I haven't seen.
• 14 Oct. -- Return to Sacramento to plan for my next trip to Portugal in late February or March!

PARTY UPDATE

For those of you who couldn't make it and are now regretting it, we'll give a full report of what happened last month at Bill's going-away/Lucy's birthday party. -- - -

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was the best of times because Bill was moving two thousand miles away. It was the worst of times because Lucy was another year older.

Throughout the party, Doug had his video camera running; drinks, hors-d'oeuvres and birthday cheesecake were served; tall tales were told (but John eventually stopped); and gifts were exchanged (at the store after the party was over, of course).

Everyone wanted to know why Bill was moving to Nashville, what he would be doing once he got there, and how come he hadn't moved away a long time ago. Bill skillfully dodged these questions using the old ploy of pointing behind the questioner and saying: "Oh look, a water buffalo!"

Dad and Eleanor gave Bill a San Francisco Giants jacket as a going-away present. Mike stared at that jacket like a dog stares at your food. Mike served Bill one beer after another in an elaborate scheme to get the jacket for himself. "I'd wear it more than you," Mike reasoned. "I'd wear it every day, in fact. Why, I'd sleep with it!" But Bill had left the room by then, leaving everyone wondering what the hell Mike was talking about.

Doug gave Bill some "spending money" for his upcoming drive across the country (a whole dollar, after flashing 20's and 100's in Bill's face!). Steve and Denise gave Bill a care package of chocolate chip cookies and other snacks for the trip (the remains of which Don quickly devoured as soon as Bill got to Nashville).

Lucy's siblings pitched in and bought her a used PC computer, and then watched in amusement as she tried to put it together herself. It was great fun watching her struggle like that!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

"I'm working on the story of our trip. When it's ready it will be a Leaky Faucet (or whatever you call it this week) exclusive. If you jump the gun and print something inaccurate, I may have to sue you." -- Greg
[It goes against our grain, not to mention tradition, but we decided to heed Greg's advice and wait and get an accurate story from someone who was actually there. (See page 4.) Next thing you know, we'll be fact-checking, verifying sources, and everything! This is not the sort of thing we want to make a habit of around here!]

CATS

For our readers unfamiliar with Diane and Don's cats, I thought it would be a good idea to write a little something about them here.

They have three cats. Two of them were gotten from the Hayward animal shelter; the other one just sort of showed up one day.

The king of this cat house is Conan -- aka Kaboodle or Kabuddha -- an 18-pound orange tabby. You've probably read in past newsletters of his exploits; most notably that he regularly gets in fights with the neighborhood tomcat, and wins, in spite of the fact that Conan is a neutered male and the tomcat, of course, is not. Conan is everyone's hero. The other cats look up to him with great admiration. And Conan behaves as a true monarch should. He spends most of his time lounging around the house doing absolutely nothing. Diane tells us that adult cats generally spend 80% of their time sleeping. Eighty percent!

The other two cats have no real pecking order. So, I'll mention DOS (pronounced "doss") next, since he's the most lovable. DOS -- aka Dink or Dinko (or Diskette, as I call him) -- is a grey tiger-striped little cat that thinks he's still a kitten even though he's three years old. DOS is the one that just showed up one night at Don and Diane's door in Hayward. They're pretty sure he fell out of a passing spaceship. Says Don, "We think DOS was the subject of some sort of alien brain experiment, and he fell out of the spaceship before his brain could be put back in."

DOS spends most of his time asleep on someone's lap -- any available lap, though he seems to like Don's lap the best. DOS is also the mighty hunter in the family. Just tonight, in fact, he brought a very large green bug of some sort into the house and commenced playing with it on the kitchen floor. I tried to rescue the poor insect by picking it up and throwing it outside, but DOS just tracked it down again, and this time he ate it. Bugs are small potatoes to DOS, though. He's been known to bring home live (well, half-alive) birds on a fairly regular basis.

The third and most mysterious cat is Bart. Bart has no nicknames (unless you count "Bartlett"). Nicknames are too gauche for a cat as dignified as Bart. He spends most of his time in the basement. Don and Diane claim that Bart is a thinker and finds the basement most conducive to thinking deep cat thoughts. Bart also happens to be the prettiest, fluffiest and fattest cat of them all. Diane thinks he's part Persian, part orange tabby. His most striking quality is/are his almost human eyes. It can be quite disconcerting when he stares at you. And staring at this author was what he did a lot of until recently when he finally accepted my presence.

So that's a brief look at Diane and Don's cats.

NASHVILLE, OR BUST

(The Incredible Journey)

by

[We were thinking of not using this story, in light of the fact that we're also printing Greg's cross-country trip story. But Diane said we should print both and make this issue a "theme issue." Of course, had she read the following story before-hand, she may have agreed with our original reluctance to print it.]

At 6:30 A.M., August 24, 1993 (remember this date for historical purposes), after spending a couple of nights at Eric and Kristin McGovern's house in Fontana, my "incredible" journey began.

A few hours later as I was driving through Needles, California, someone on the radio spoke of an organization whose members claim to be immortal. "We have some people here from the 18th Century," the guy explained. "Immortality is simply a matter of your outlook on life and your diet, basically." It sounded simple enough. I wrote down their address.

In Kingman, Arizona, I stopped to buy a postcard for a girl in L.A. who is from Kingman. I figured she would probably be homesick and would appreciate it. And since I never gave her my Nashville address, I can only assume she was touched profoundly by my thoughtfulness.

Further east and close to Flagstaff, I found the spot in the road where, in 1983 at the beginning of my arts & crafts touring days, the truck I was driving at the time had stalled as I tried to make it over the hill. (The Flagstaff area is mountainous, in case you didn't know.) With a full-size camper on the back and a fully-loaded trailer behind, it was just too much for the old truck. It passed out about 200 yards from the summit; even started to roll back down the hill! Anyway, this time I cruised over the hill, no problem. It's always encouraging to overcome obstacles that had bested you in the past, isn't it?

Once in Flagstaff, I stopped at a "quickie lube" place for an oil change and lube job. I had the truck done, too. While waiting, I met a girl claiming to be a student at Northern Arizona University. I asked her if she liked Flagstaff and, without hesitation, she said "no." I told her I was from L.A. and she said, "Yeah, L.A.'s the place to be!" I just nodded, not bothering to explain why I was leaving that town.

On Interstate 40 along the Arizona-New Mexico border there is some incredible scenery (rock formations, caves, cliffs, stuff like that). Just looking at that rugged terrain put me in a rugged, living-off-the-land kind of mood. I drove right past it and spent the night at a Motel 6 on the western edge of Albuquerque.

I awoke at six the next morning to get as far east as possible before the afternoon heat arrived. My first stop was in Tucumcari, New Mexico for more gas and postcards. A few hours later, I stopped in Amarillo, Texas for the same reason. As far as I know, this is the only reason to stop in either town.

In Oklahoma somewhere I saw the first graffiti since leaving L.A. On a freeway overpass, someone had spray-painted "God is not dead." So, it seems even the graffiti in Oklahoma are religious fanatics.

I had originally intended to spend that night in Oklahoma City, but I got there about 6 P.M. and decided to just keep on driving and spend the night in Ft. Smith, Arkansas. Pulling into the motel in Ft. Smith at 9:30 P.M., it was 90 degrees and oppressively muggy outside. Nine-thirty p.m.!

A couple of hours east of Ft. Smith comes Little Rock. I tried to find some postcards there the next morning, but couldn't. I didn't look all that hard, actually. I was sick of making special stops just to send postcards. And the thought of being so close to "Clinton country" kind of made me nauseous.

Anyway, I kept going east (because that's the way to Nashville). Before you get to Nashville, however, you have to cross the Mississippi into Memphis, Tennessee. The Mighty Mississippi was about a mile wide at that point. I don't know how wide it is when it's not flooding. Anyway, Memphis seemed like an interesting town. I'll have to visit it someday.

Finally, around 4:30 Thursday afternoon, I pulled into Don and Diane's driveway on Ferndale Avenue in Nashville, Tennessee, causing only minor damage.

Now wasn't that an incredible journey? Bill's new phone number is (615) x-x.

Memorable Retorts

TV commercial: "If you paid full price, you didn't buy it at Crown Books."

Doug's retort (circa 1986): "If you were shopping at Crown, you didn't find what you were looking for!"

[The above retort has been reverberating in my mind for the past week for some reason. I figured if I put it in the newsletter maybe I would finally be rid of it and there would be just that much less clutter in my head. That's basically what this newsletter is, you know. Mental house-cleaning. Some have likened it to a bowel movement. But I prefer the term "house-cleaning" for some reason. If you have a favorite retort that you've remembered over the years, please let us know!]

From The Sacramento Union (newspaper) -- Monday, Sept. 13, 1993 (page A2) -- Michael Ackley's column:

"If you shop at Arden Fair Mall and have wondered about the source of the 'Doug's Mugs' shop title, you will be fascinated to know the proprietor is Doug . But that's not important. The item is we have a copy of Holmes' 'Regi Magyarorszag,' volume one, number one of the organ of the Hungarian-American Friendship Society of Sacramento. If you're of Hungarian descent and want to subscribe, write Holmes at _____ Way, Sacramento 95821. This is fascinating enough, but what is really interesting is the fact that Doug's dad, Lionel Holmes, is very active here in Portuguese-American affairs. Lionel explains that Doug 'is ambidextrous: With his left hand, he's involved with me in Portuguese genealogy. The Hungarian tie comes from his mother, IreneHolmes, whose mother was Hungarian.' Which is enough of the Holmes genealogy for now. If you are neither Portuguese nor Hungarian, kindly disregard the preceding item."

[How come this guy never mentions this newsletter?!]

THE GREAT VACATION

of Greg, June, Aileen, Brian and Andy

Their trip started at 9:00 a.m. on July 10th. They had been getting ready all week, filling boxes and suitcases, stacking sleeping bags in a pile on the living room floor. Then the big day came -- it seemed almost anticlimactic. Greg was a little tired after a hectic week at work, but June was ready to take the wheel when the need arose. Out across the Mojave desert, normally a very boring expanse, but Greg had bought a couple of "audiobooks" for the occasion. This didn't help June's boredom, but at least Greg was entertained.

Their first stop was Phoenix. It was about 3:00 p.m. and hot. June's friend JoAnn lived in a small adobe house on the east end of town. There was no air conditioning, but the thick walls kept the house about ten degrees cooler than the outside, which meant it was 95 instead of 105. They were having a birthday party for Niles, Brian's toddler-hood friend. They barely remembered each other, but they all had fun playing Nintendo. After a couple of hours, Greg and family shoved off. No time to waste on this trip.

They stayed in Wilcox, Arizona the first night, after driving through a rainstorm. They had made a reservation at a motel there, the only reservation they would make on the trip. After a pancake breakfast that couldn't be beat (especially since it was included with the room), they headed for nearby New Mexico.

New Mexico was greener than it had been two years prior, on their return trip from Minnesota. The reddish mesas provided a backdrop for the green sagebrush and occasional cacti. It was a pleasant drive, not as hot as Arizona. Before they knew it they were in Texas. No doubt about it being Texas. At regular intervals there were signs warning motorists ominously "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS." June and Greg decided it was the Texans' quaint way of asking them not to litter, and since littering was not their habit, they gave it no further heed. Maybe they should have.

They were driving along an incredibly straight interstate in the Texas hill country, between El Paso and San Antonio. The highway is well-maintained, with the grass mowed along the median and along the shoulders. The road takes you up one gently rolling hill and down the other side, on and on. Scrub oaks provide a thick green carpet out to the horizon. June had been cruising along, doing between 70 and 75, when she decided to let Greg take over the driving.

He was at the bottom between two hills when he noticed a police car come over the top of the hill in front him, driving the opposite way. Just the same, he slowed down to 65, the speed limit. Too late! There was the Texas state trooper right behind him with red and blue lights flashing. He announced, "you were speeding." "How do you know that?" asked Greg. "I caught you on my radar," said the trooper. He added, "I knew when I came over the hill that you would be my next customer." Yes, Greg was his next customer, and he was doing a land-office business that day. As Greg and family pulled away, Greg looked in his rear-view mirror and saw that the cop had already pulled over his next "customer." Who says customers have to be happy? Well, the County of Ingram, Texas should have been happy, having collected $70 from another dissatisfied customer. When Greg mailed in the money order (they wouldn't take a check, the ticket said), he thought of advising the County that maybe they should try to attract some industry instead of relying on speeding tickets for their main source of revenue. But he thought better of it, and decided just to pay the money. Ouch!

Trying to put this unpleasant experience behind him, he headed for San Antonio at 65 MPH. He certainly didn't want to go through that again. Before they left Texas the Holmeses would see more people pulled over by police cars than they had ever seen before. Sure must be safe there with all that law enforcement. Enough! On to San Antone!

They were trying to make it to the Alamo before it closed at 5:00. They arrived at 4:45 and saw the whole fort -- the Alamo's not that big. Leaving the Alamo, they overheard a couple ask directions to the River Walk. That sounded good to Greg and June, so they all followed the couple. The River Walk turned out to be one of the highlights of their trip, with its tropical foliage, picturesque cafes and cool breezes. A jazz duo played in one open-air cafe. Traveling along the walk, they came to a boat dock advertising river cruises. They caught the next boat and enjoyed a narrated tour of the San Antonio River, learning interesting facts about the historic buildings along the river. They ended the day at a KOA campground just outside the city. It was a well-developed campground, with two playgrounds and a pool, and they got a good tent site. The cicadas sang them all to sleep.

The birds woke them up -- some large birds, resembling magpies except that they were all black, which made the strangest sound. After breaking camp, they headed for the Circus Museum in San Antonio. It was quite interesting, and it was Wednesday, which was a free day. Upon leaving the museum they headed for Rockport, the home of Uncle Lenny. After traveling through mostly flat country, they reached the outskirts of Corpus Christi, passing by some of the huge chemical plants along the Gulf of Mexico. Making a jog to the north along the coast, they entered Rockport, a small town by big city standards. It was humid, but there was a breeze off the Gulf.

They arrived at Uncle Lenny's and Betty's house in the late afternoon. They hadn't discussed where or how long they would stay with Uncle Lenny, but he immediately showed them to their rooms. He lives in a spacious ranch-style house on the edge of a golf course. Greg asked him if he got many golf balls in his yard, and he said, "No, because I live right behind a sand trap." That made sense. They had a very enjoyable two-night stay at Uncle Lenny's.

Uncle Lenny wasn't feeling that well, since he was battling a recurrence of a leg infection he first got 43 years ago, and he was taking medication through a central line. But despite that, he was cheerful the whole time. He and Betty were the perfect host and hostess. Greg and family also visited his cousin Ellie, who was just laying the foundation for a new house nearby. They also toured the USS Lexington, a World War II aircraft carrier. Leaving Rockport, they headed for Houston to see Space Center Houston, a tourist attraction built only last year, adjacent to the Johnson Space Center.

Space Center Houston is worth the admission if space travel interests you, which it did Greg and family. The part June liked best was the hydroponics exhibit, in which tomatoes were grown without soil. Greg especially enjoyed the tour of the Johnson Space Center, in which they saw the actual Mission Control room used during space shuttle missions. It's smaller than you might think. The tour guide told them that the picture they show on TV of Mission Control are actually taken through a fish-eye lens, so you can see more of the room. Maybe that's to impress us so they get more funding. They announced that a space shuttle would be blasting off the coming weekend. As it turns out, it got delayed five times and finally blasted off in September.

Next stop was Garland, outside Dallas, where June's sister Mitzi and niece Nicole live. They arrived at midnight, driving straight from Houston. The kids finally got a chance to go swimming there, in the townhouse community pool. One night June and Greg went out with Mitzi, while Nicole watched the kids. After dining on Tex-Mex (tastes the same as Mex, as far as June and Greg could tell), they went to Debonair Danceland for some boot-scootin' country western dancin'. It was a huge place, rather smoky, as June would tell you. Haven't they got the word that smoking is bad for you? Not there, apparently. With some apprehension on Greg's part, since he didn't have steel-toed boots, or any boots, June and Greg went dancing. Fortunately for them, there wasn't any line dancing that night, so their toes escaped untrodden.

Who would be the last person you would expect to find in a place of drinkin', dancin', smokin' and carryin' on? Well, there he was -- Billy Graham! Well, he wasn't the Billy Graham; just another guy by the same name, who had seated himself at Mitzi's table and was now bending her ear with incessant chatter. For a cowboy construction worker, he had a lot to say, but he couldn't get Mitzi to part with her phone number. She said later, "he talked too much." Besides, Mitzi already has a boyfriend.

After three nights at Mitzi's, Greg and family headed for Don and Diane's house in Nashville. To get there, they had to pass through Arkansas. A large sign at the state line warned them that speed limits were strictly enforced, without any leniency for offenders. After an audible "gulp," they entered Arkansas. Well, they didn't see anyone being pulled over in Arkansas. In fact, they didn't see a single cop the whole time they were there. Arkansas was pretty, though, with rolling hills and lots of trees. It was hot, too. When they arrived in Hot Springs, the bank sign said it was 107 degrees. Since it didn't seem quite that hot, Greg theorized that the sign had just been out in the sun too long. Later Don told him that around there, they also factor in the humidity. Anyway, Clinton had just been there the day before. Could he have generated all that hot air? They camped in a national park just outside town. The only problem with national park campgrounds is that they don't have showers. Greg felt so sticky and grubby that the next morning he jumped into the creek, but he couldn't talk anyone else into taking the plunge.

On to Tennessee. As the song "Davy Crockett" says, Tennessee just might be the "greenest state in the land of the free." Assuming, of course, that this is still the land of the free. They arrived at Don and Diane's not long before dark, and stayed up late talking about their trip and old times. The next day they, with Don, visited a Civil War battleground across the street from a Dairy Queen. The kids had been begging to stop at a Dairy Queen throughout the trip, and they finally got their wish. It came at a good time, since it was a scorcher that day. Later that day, they visited the tourist section of Nashville, kind of a country musician souvenir alley. Don bought something for each of the kids, including something for Aileen that went "moo" like a cow whenever you turned it over. This toy turned out to be a continual source of joy for the family. Not to be outdone, Diane provided free back adjustments to all -- what a gal! Later during their stay at Don's, they visited Mammoth Caves in Kentucky, and Don nearly froze. The caves, which are as big inside as a sports arena, maintain a constant temperature in the low 50's. Later, back at Don's house, Don performed an impossible feat, in the rain, no less. He became a human pancake, sliding under the van and loosening the oil pan bolt so Greg could change the oil. The family really enjoyed their stay at Don and Diane's.

To be continued ... (hey, it was a long trip!)

THIS JUST IN:

Michael has gone and bought himself a brand new red 1993 Mazda 323, 5-speed, 16-valve car! We just thought you'd want to know that.

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 7

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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The Rotten Apple
"Journalism with visible holes"

Vol. 5 No. 7, December 1, 1993

Mike Rolls Car!

LIVINGSTON, CA -- Remember we told you about Mike's new car in the previous issue? Well, he "totalled" it a couple of days after we sent that issue out. We're pretty sure he did it just to make us look bad.

How it happened was, he was on his way home late one night -- just a few miles from the house -- when a dog jumped out in front of the car. Mike reacted instinctively and swerved to avoid it. The brakes locked up, the car skidded out of control and rolled over a couple of times. It ended up upside down in an empty field. He was lucky not to have plowed into a tree in one of the almond orchards that populate most of that area. Since he was wearing his seatbelt, Mike walked away without a scratch.

"He was driving too fast!" says Lucy.

"I like to live on the edge," says Mike.

We would like to say we're happy he was not hurt. But, since we're reporters, we actually would have been happier if he had at least been cut or bruised slightly, since that would have made for a more exciting news story. [Just kidding! You people have no sense of humor!]

Cat Missing!

NASHVILLE, TN -- Diane had taken off for a brief vacation with her folks in New Hampshire, and Don and Bill were left to take care of the cats. It turned out to be too great a task.

When it came time to account for all the cats later that evening, one of the cats, DOS, (remember him from the last newsletter?) was missing. The last time anyone had seen him was that morning before Diane left for the airport.

Don took a flashlight and scoured the neighborhood in search of the little cat. No luck. The next day while Don was at work, Bill took his turn searching the neighborhood. Same result.

Finally, in despair, Don phoned Diane to tell her the bad news: DOS was gone. Bill had already given up on the cat.

"I figured he was dead," Bill told us later. But, just a few minutes after hanging up the phone with Diane, Don continued the search inside the house, hoping DOS might somehow answer his calls. Don was in his bedroom calling DOS's name, not really expecting any results, when he heard something that sounded like a meow. Don called again. And again, a meow. Eventually, he tracked down the source of the meow. And guess what? Don had discovered little DOS!

Where was he? Believe it or not, he was in one of Diane's dresser drawers (DOS, not Don), and had been there the entire time! Little DOS had been asleep in the dresser for 36 hours! No food, no water, no potty! DOS was found!

Of course, Bill was upset. "I still think he's dead," said Bill.

Rocky Escapes!

TRACY, CA -- "Rocky," Tiffany's horse, has figured out how to open his corral gate! He got out recently and broke into the neighbor's house and ate all their food! He then went on a rampage all over the neighborhood until the cops had to be called! It was terrible! You believe us, don't you?

Don buys new car

NASHVILLE, TN -- Well, it's not so much a new car as it is new to him. It's a yellowish/tan 1983 Subaru wagon. And we hope he has better luck with it than Mike had with his Mazda.

4 Out of 5 Brothers Surveyed Prefer CompuServe

Four of the Holmes boys (Greg, Don, Doug and Bill) and Eric McGovern have moved their e-mail addresses to CompuServe from National Videotex Network ("NVN"). Just a few months earlier they had collectively moved their tack to NVN from the GEnie network.

Why do they keep moving? "These networks keep raising their prices right after we sign on!" said Bill, acting as the group's spokesman despite their protests.

For those of you with no idea what the hell this article is about, all we can say is: It's computer stuff. You wouldn't understand.

LUCY'S DOGS

Lucy has five dogs (at last count). The matriarch of this dog house is, of course, the world-famous Coyote. Coyote has accomplished just about everything a dog can accomplish -- had two litters of puppies, been certified Schutzhund II (obedience and protection skills), etcetera, etcetera -- and is now pretty much retired to a life of leisure. But never mind this "matriarch" stuff.

The king of the yard, without a doubt, is Stormy, the oldest male. Stormy, a Rottweiler, rules with an iron fist paw. He recently (if over a year ago can be considered recent) sired a litter of puppies. That proves what a stud he is. [Ha-ha! That's funny! Get it? He's a stud and he sired ... well, never mind.]

Anyway, next in the pecking order comes Credence, the female Rottweiler. It has recently come to our attention that she, like Coyote before her, now enjoys the status of Schutzhund II. [For a complete definition of this Schutzhund thing, read all the past issues of this newsletter. And then call and let us know what you can figure out, okay?] Mike refers to Credence as: Part hog, part dog. If you knew Credence, you might see what he means. Then again, you might not. Don't misunderstand, though. Credence is a great dog. You wanna hear the story of how Lucy picked Credence over all the other puppies available? We'll tell you anyway.

You see, Lucy and Jeannie were conducting a highly scientific test. They wanted to find out which puppy from Chance's (Jeannie's dog) litter of pups was the bravest (a quality Lucy required for her future plans of training that puppy to be a killer attack dog). They made each puppy go outside, one by one, onto Jeannie's porch to meet a strange man . The puppy that showed the least amount of fear (would approach and be friendly with Bill, even though he was so strange, er, a complete stranger) would be named Bravest Puppy Of All. Well, to make a long story mercifully short, Credence was that puppy.

And now that puppy is going to have puppies of her own! Our reporters were doing a stakeout recently at Lucy's house and they report that, yes, Credence is definitely pregnant. After further research our cracked team of researchers discovered that Credence became pregnant right around the time that she won her Schutzhund II rating. It's pretty obvious Credence found time for a little "funny business" during the Schutzhund trials, isn't it?

What about Lucy's other dogs? Well, there's Cassie. She is the daughter of Coyote, and she's a great dog, too. Beautiful, courageous and friendly. We think she has also attained some sort of Schutzhund rating, but we're not sure. We do know she likes to kill cats, which should make Don and Diane happy.

And last comes Etsel. Not Edsel, like the infamous car, but Etsel. "It's a German word," says Lucy. Yeah, right. Lucy's son Mike speaks German and we've never heard him say the word Etsel. Ever. Of course, we've never heard him speak German at all. But that's beside the point. Anyway, Etsel is only about a year old, and he's very friendly, really cute and slobbers a lot.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF NASHVILLE

by

I've been living here almost three months now, and I figured it was about time I wrote a little something about the town I currently call home. First of all, no one told me it would be so damned cold so soon! Did you know it snowed on Halloween! Of course, since then we've also had Spring-like weather here and there; further evidencing what many have said about Nashville weather: "Y'all just never know."

So far I've been fairly successful in avoiding the "intoxicating" influence that country music holds over this town. Luckily, there is a great radio station here ("Radio Lightning") that plays everything but country music.

Anyway, back to "What Nashville Means To Me."

Since I'm currently on a tight budget, I haven't really had a chance to explore the city properly. I have been able to wander around in my truck and see some things, though. And the first thing I noticed during my wandering was how incredibly bad the traffic and how stupid the drivers are around here. Car and Driver magazine rates Nashville drivers as the worst in the country!

Nashville, by some accounts the "fastest growing city in America," has apparently grown too fast for its own good and the streets are just too small for the volume of cars that pass over them.

What else have I seen? Well, I've seen the Nashville Airport! And I've been downtown. Oh, and I can't forget the State Fairgrounds -- though I studiously avoided it during the actual State Fair, since I hate state fairs. I've also managed to avoid the tourist traps such as the Country Music Hall of Fame, Opryland, the Barbara Mandrell Gift Shop, and The Parthenon (a life-sized replica of the Greek Parthenon building).

I've also driven on pretty much every freeway that passes through town! By the way, did you know that three interstate highways pass through Nashville: the I-65, I-24 and I-40, not to mention the I-440 extension and several other "parkways"?! Fascinating, isn't it?

Okay, by now you've probably figured out that I haven't done a hell of a lot since moving out here. Well, excuse me! I'm not living my life just to entertain you, you know!

In closing, I will say that Nashville -- at first glance at least -- is a lot like any other mid-sized city. It's not all bad and it's not particularly exciting either. It just seems like a nice place to live.

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 8

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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The Happy Hairball

(something we keep coughing up)

Volume 5, Number 8 December 20, 1993
Publisher: This guy ->>
Editor: Same guy
Distributor: Brave little delivery boys and girls worldwide
Address: Nashville, TN 37215

A Thanksgiving Feast

(an appropriate headline following the above title, eh?)

It was a huge gathering. Three generations of the [redacted] and [redacted] families showed up at the [redacted] Ranch in Tracy, California for a Thanksgiving dinner. According to Jeannie, the host, it was "probably the biggest group of people we've ever had for Thanksgiving in this house."

Everyone got a chance to ride one of the three horses at the ranch. Not everyone took that chance. But, hey, at least the opportunity was there.

John barbecued a turkey-a live one, right there in front of everyone! "It was delicious," said Lucy, who of course was the one who actually captured and skinned the bird as it attempted to cross the property. You know how she is.

Doug was attacked by one of Lucy's professionally-trained attack dogs. Lucy said the dog was just playing. Witnesses, however, distinctly remember hearing Lucy say "Sic him!" (See interview, next page.) Greg and June stole Tiffany's dog.

Jeannie telephoned Don, Diane and Bill in Tennessee, just so everyone could talk to them. "We were expecting you to call us," Jeannie explained. "But, since you didn't, we called you."

"Yeah, I noticed," said Bill. "And I really wish you'd stop calling. Who are you, anyway?"

The scent of Cedar

TRACY, CA -- After a full day of stuffing their faces and riding horses, Greg, June and kids packed up their minivan for the long drive back to Santa Ana. About an hour south of the [redacted]'s, Aileen, Brian and Andy -- the aforementioned "kids" -- announced that there was a strange dog in the car. It was a young female German Shepherd, and her tag said her name was "Cedar."

The kids had spotted Cedar as soon as they got in the car, of course. However, it wasn't until after they had discussed it amongst themselves and exhausted all possible explanations as to how the dog got there that they decided to let their parents in on their little secret.

Upon being asked where he thought the dog might have come from, Greg said: "Dog? What dog?" June's reply to the same question was: "I don't know. Hasn't she been in the car ever since we left Santa Ana?"

"I'm pretty sure she hasn't," said Greg.

"Well then what was all that howling on the way up here?"

"That was the kids."

And so, since no one could figure out how or why Cedar was in the car, they decided to keep her. And they all lived happily ever after.

Credence has puppies

LIVINGSTON, CA -- As predicted in our previous issue, Lucy's dog Credence did have that litter of puppies. Three boys and two girls. And you know what that means. Now we have to name the little mugwumps.

This is Nightshadow Kennels' sixth, or "F," litter. You know the rules. All names have to start with the letter "F." It will be difficult coming up with names that can be printed in a Family Newsletter, but we'll try.

So far, Lucy's only come up with one name: Freak of Nature. Here's what we've come up with: Frank; Fontelroy; Fondaloolupdud; Foul-Mouthed Bastard [hey, we said it would be difficult]; Frequent Flyer; Freakazoid; Future Boy; Frankly-My-Dear-I-Don't-Give-A-Flying-[censored]; and Fahrvergnügen. Fahrvergnügen, of course, will most likely not be used since that's the nickname Lucy uses for her German Shepherds.

Jeannie Crashes Car!

TRACY, CA -- In an obvious attempt to get herself in the newsletter, Jeannie has gone and crashed her car. Tiffany was in the passenger seat, and that's the side of the car that was hit when an uninsured motorist running a red light broad-sided them. Luckily, no one was hurt.

Jeannie and Tiffany promptly checked in with the chiropractor, Dr. Calloway, Diane's mentor, in Brentwood. Preliminary tests indicated of course that both Jeannie and Tiffany are certifiably insane. However, they are "just fine" physically. And that's the important thing.

Bill wrestles alligator!

NASHVILLE, TN -- Yeah, sure. They don't even have alligators in Tennessee. If they did, of course, Bill would be wrestling them on a regular basis.

Don & Diane buy guns

NASHVILLE, TN -- Don and Diane have resorted to guns to keep their cats in line. "Well, they kept scratching the furniture," Diane explained. "So, naturally, we bought a couple of squirt guns."

Interview

[A horrible thing happened this past Thanksgiving. Doug was attacked by a dog. That's not the horrible thing, though. The horrible thing was that the party ran out of Colombian coffee and ... Oh, excuse me. It seems the dog attack was the horrible thing. Let's hear from an eye witness.]

• Witness: Most of the Thanksgiving crowd at the [redacted] Ranch were outside with the horses; either riding them, falling off, or trying to catch them. Lucy's dog Credence was going crazy over the horses. So, in an effort to keep the dog's mind off the horses, Lucy started playing ball with her.
• Hairball: Good thinking.
• Witness: Thank ... er, I mean, yes I suppose it was. Anyway, Lucy and her dog were having a wonderful time. It was a sunny day, birds were chirping, laughter was in the air. It was truly beautiful. If you listened carefully you could hear the world singing in perfect harmony.
• Hairball: [blank stare]
• Witness: But that's neither here nor there. Anyway, Lucy was playing ball with Credence when, suddenly, Doug came out of nowhere!
• Hairball: And he tried to take their picture?
• Witness: Yes! How did you know?
• Hairball: That's what we pay him for.
• Witness: Ah. Well, after Doug tried to take their picture, he tried to take their ball!
• Hairball: Oh my god! That's clearly against company policy.
• Witness: You have a company policy?
• Hairball: Sure. It's around here somewhere. It's an insurance policy, but still ... . Want me to find it?
• Witness: No. So, anyway, Credence had the ball between her paws and was chewing on it, right?, when Doug tried to steal it! He stood over her and tried to flick the ball away with his feet, soccer-style.
• Hairball: Doug used to play soccer, you know. Was voted Most Offensive Player on his high school team one year, in fact.
• Witness: Fascinating. Would you stop interrupting?
• Hairball: Sorry.
• Witness: Are you listening?
• Hairball: Yes, I'm listening.
• Witness: Are you sure you're listening?
• Hairball: I'm listening, I'm listening!
• Witness: Okay. So, Doug tried to flick the ball away with his feet. Credence leaped up and barked in his face. Then she leaped up again and bit him on the arm -- just nipped him, actually -- like she does to Lucy all the time. She was just playing. Rough. But just playing.
• Hairball: Sounds pretty scary to me. How do you know she was just playing?
• Witness: Well, if she wasn't she would've mangled Doug's arm pretty good. She's professionally trained, you know. As it was, she didn't even draw blood.
• Hairball: What?! No blood! You promised blood! Why are we interviewing you then?
• Witness: Well, excuse me! I can go get Credence and have her bite you for real, if you want.
• Hairball: You can go get Credence? Wait a minute! You're no "witness." You're Lucy!
• Witness: Am not!
• Hairball: Are too!
• Witness: Am not, am not!

[And so ends another newsletter interview. Doug, by the way, is fine. He has filed a lawsuit against this newsletter, however. According to the suit, the newsletter sent him out on a "dangerous assignment without proper protection." He doesn't stand a chance of winning the lawsuit, though. Everyone knows, or should know, that these days a man should always wear protection. It's not up to us to tell him.]

Birthdays

• Renee
• Jeannie
• Michael

[Yes, we know we mentioned Jeannies's birthday in the previous newsletter. It's just that her birthday is so very important, you see, and we felt the need to mention it again. Yeah, that's it. And for those of you wondering who "Renee" is, she's a friend of the editor. And since we reprinted part of her letter in "Letters to the Editor," we figured we should also mention her birthday.]

Letters to the Editor

"That was a good newsletter. Do people subscribe to it and you send it out to them, or what?" -- Renee, Los Angeles

[I guess you could say people "subscribe" to it. They're on our mailing list, anyway. But, you know how most people pay for the things they subscribe to? Well, the only money we've ever gotten was from people wanting to be taken off the mailing list.]

"Hey, it was a great newsletter! I can see you searched high and low for material -- even to the point of reading insurance forms! Actually, that was one of the more newsworthy articles. Of course, the "Cat Missing" story was also good. I can see that you shrewdly set yourself up for a tabloid-style story about what the cat was doing that caused it to sleep for 36 hours straight. -- Greg, Santa Ana

[Quite frankly, Greg (assuming that's your real name), we're insulted by your implication that we would stoop to 'tabloid-style' journalism! We like to think we employ only the finest journalism techniques. Sure, we could speculate, but we just don't do that sort of thing here!]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 1

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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Itchy Trigger Finger

Vol. 6, No. 1, February 6, 1994

Earthquake in Southern California!

We're sure you've heard all about it on the news, but we just wanted to mention it in case you've just recently emerged from a cave. It happened at 4:31 a.m. PST, January 17, 1994. Centered in the northern San Fernando Valley city of Northridge, 15 or 20 miles north of downtown Los Angeles, the quake measured 6.6 on the Richter Scale. [Leave out the decimal point, add another six, and its the mark of the beast! Think about it; but not too long or you might start believing in crap like that.]

Among other things, a portion of the Santa Monica Freeway (the I-10) collapsed between the La Cienega and Fairfax exits in West L.A., less than a mile from where Bill used to live! Just think, this newsletter could have been obliterated! [Don't think about this too long, either, or you might start wishing it had happened.]

Jan Elms and Jinx Clark, sharing an apartment in the L.A. suburb of Westchester, spoke of the rude awakening they got that morning. "Neither of us has had that much excitement in bed in a long time!" they said simultaneously. They've been speaking simultaneously ever since the earthquake.

Greg Kann, having moved from sleepy little Fillmore in Ventura County to Northridge in the San Fernando Valley just a few months before the big quake, stated, "I defy anyone to prove its epicenter wasn't directly under my bed!" Fortunately, Greg, his wife Andrea, and their 2-year-old daughter all escaped injury. Their rental house, however, was "pretty much wiped out," though still standing.

Renée Uribe of the eastern L.A. suburb of Montebello says, "I'm getting worried about the coming 'Big One.'"

Eric McGovern of the San Bernardino County town of Fontana says, "Earthquake? What earthquake?"

According to the January 31 issue of U.S. News & World Report, "When the Big One' finally comes, it may well hit someplace other than California." (Just this week, there was a 5.8 magnitude earthquake along the Idaho-Montana border.) They explain that "three of the nation's largest earthquakes ever have occurred not on the West Coast but in the center of the country. In December of 1811 and January and February of 1812, an area near the town of New Madrid in southeastern Missouri was rocked with successive earthquakes estimated to range from 8.4 to 8.8 on the Richter scale." That's nearly 100 times more powerful than the quake that hit Los Angeles last week! It caused the Mississippi River to flow backward and change course; bells rang in Boston church towers; and chandeliers shook in Washington, D.C.

Earthquake activity map

The darker the area, the more active it is. A few of the more notable earthquakes are noted.

[missing]

Letters to the Editor

"We joined the local tennis club which has volleyball three nights a week. That's about all the exercise I get now, but it's good fun." -- Steve, Sacramento

[A tennis club that plays volleyball?]

"The big news for me was a recent trip to Chicago. I've been involved in a sort of "anti-stress" mental health group for a long time and was recently asked to be Area Leader of the Sacramento and outlying areas. One of the outcomes of that was a trip to Chicago (actually, I'll go at least twice a year). It was my first time in the Windy City and I found it pretty exciting. I went during the American Airlines strike, so there was quite a bit of juggling of tickets before takeoff. I ended up on United and "volunteered" to stay back a flight because of overbooking. Well, because of my "generosity" I was given a first-class tick to Chicago plus $200 worth of airline credit.

"If you've never flown first-class, try it. What a difference. The stewardess couldn't do enough for me. She took my coat and hung it up. We had drinks immediately and fancy nuts (not peanuts in a pack). When the dinner came, we were given a tablecloth and a meal with "courses": salad, steak, etc. Excellent food. For dessert, we had "warmed" Mrs. Fields' cookies, Haagen Daas yogurt bars and cappuccino. The seats alone made it pure luxury." -- Denise, Sacramento

"I really enjoy your newsletter. We got the last one on Christmas Eve. The kids got lots of neat stuff from Santa and are very happy with their haul. John thought he was going to get a tractor for Christmas, but we got him a cordless drill instead. He'll get over it someday.

"My dog Dutch got his first title on December 3. Lucy took him to a B.A.R.K. [Bay Area Retarded K-9s] trial and he passed his ZpT test (breeder's suitability test based on looks and temperament).

"I'm happy to hear that Cedar has been located. Last I heard, Greg got her a dogloo (dog house)." -- Jeannie, Tracy, CA

"I surely enjoy your newsletters. I save them all, and when I get depressed I read them and they perk me up. Doctor Holmes to the rescue! -- Jeanne, Cameron Park, CA

[We're always glad to hear good things from our readers -- it's such a rare occurrence. Thanks. Now take two aspirin and call me in the morning.]

"Please put me on your mailing list. My name is John ---. My cousin Aileen down in Santa Ana, CA told me about and showed me your newsletter. Thanks. -- John, Tacoma, WA

[What? You mean you read the newsletter and you still want to be on our mailing list? Well, okay. But it's only fair to warn you, don't expect to get your money's worth, even if it is free.]

Just a few of the new cable channels that will be available in 1994:

• Adam and Eve Channel (adult/shopping) ['Adult shopping?']
• America's Talking (talk) [Yeah, we need more talk shows.]
• Advertising TV (infomercials) [What a concept!]
• Baseball Network (sports)
• Network [just kidding]
• Booknet (book news and films, author interviews)
• Cable Health Club (health)
• Catalog Channel (shopping)
• ECO Channel (environmental)
• ESPN 3 (sports) [What? Another one?]
• Faith and Values Channel (religious) [We'll be glued to the tv!]
• Festival Network (international films)
• Game Show Channel (game shows) [Wow!]
• Game Channel (games shows and interactive games)
• Gaming & Entertainment Network (international gaming/sports betting)
• Global Village Network [Brought to you by the New World Order.]
• Golden American Network [People over 50 will be forced to watch.]
• Golf Channel (golf matches and related news)
• Horizons Cable Network (cultural and intellectual)
• International Channel Multiplex (international)
• IT Network (interactive entertainment, shopping)
• Jones Computer Network (instructional)
• Kaleidoscope (for the disabled)
• Lincoln Mint Network (shopping)
• Military Channel (battle history, documentaries) [Like what A&E has already?]
• Network One (games, shopping)
• New Culture Network (independent films)
• NewSport Television (sports)
• Our World Television (gay and lesbian)
• Ovation (performing arts)
• Planet Central TV (environmental) [Will Al Gore host?]
• Romance Classics (entertainment)
• Sega Channel (games)
• Single Vision (for singles)
• Spice 2 (adult)
• Talk Channel (talk)
• Television Food Network [All about food!]
• TRAX (motor sports)
• Turner Classic Movies (classic films) [How many channels does this guy need?]
• TV Car Showroom (auto shopping)

Actual News Stories *

SOS! I need cornmeal!

Owensboro (KY) residents have been coming up with interesting definitions of what constitutes an emergency during Kentucky's record snowfall. One police dispatcher said a family preparing for dinner found they were out of cornmeal. With 14 inches of snow on the ground and the roads too treacherous to travel, they called the police and asked them to pick some up for them.

Police have also been getting serious phone calls from residents wanting them to feed their dogs and horses, clear their driveways, or run other nonessential errands. Several people have asked, "When is the city sending someone to shovel my driveway?"

One woman had snow piled outside both her doors and asked the police if they would come shovel it because her husband and dog needed to relieve themselves.

Robber leaves tracks

Footprints in the snow led to the arrest of a Springfield man who is accused of robbing the Dixie Maid restaurant here (Springfield, TN). Bobby Joe Jones, Jr., 27, was arrested after police traced his footprints in the snow from the restaurant to his house. Police took Jones to Dixie Maid where restaurant workers identified him as the robber. Jones had only made off with $10.

Missing clerk found safe

Murfreesboro (TN) police are investigating the brief disappearance of a convenience store clerk who was recently discovered safe and unharmed. The police became involved after a customer stopped at the store late one night for coffee, only to find the store open and abandoned.

The clerk was later found, unharmed, with another person in a car that also had been reported missing. "We're still trying to figure out what happened," said the police spokesperson. "All we know is that both individuals were completely naked and singing Christmas carols in the vehicle's back seat."

Birthdays, etc.

So. Cal. Earthquake

Michael

Don

Eleanor

Letters to Welfare

Since our "Actual Insurance Statements" segment was so popular, we've reprinted the following excerpts from letters received by the Saint Lawrence County (NY) Welfare Department. Contributed by Diane. All rights reserved, not that she has any rights.

• "I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor."
• "My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since."
• "I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?"
• "I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."
• "In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory."
• "Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life."
• "You have changed my little girl to a boy. Will it make any difference?"
• "I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works days and nights."
• "This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?"
• "In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."
• "Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows."
• "I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper."
• "Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy."
• "I am very annoyed that you have branded my boy as illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born."
• "I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead."

Amazing, But True!

Jeannie of Tracy, CA., and her dog, Chance, donned parachutes and flagged down a passing crop-dusting airplane. The pilot landed on the street in front of Jeannie's house and picked her up (which they'll happily do, though it's not widely known).

With the whole stretch of road as a runway, the bi-plane took off and was soon high in the air. They were going to do a bit of sightseeing first, but soon realized that in Tracy there really is not a whole lot to see. So, they circled around for a while in the general airspace above Jeannie's ranch until Jeannie and Chance were ready to jump.

Chance went first, with Jeannie following a few frantic seconds behind after realizing Chance didn't know how to pull the parachute's rip cord. With Chance howling in sheer terror in front of her, Jeannie performed a nifty skydiving maneuver and caught up with the howling pooch and pulled its rip cord.

The two landed safely in Jeannie's backyard as her husband and kids sat on the back porch and applauded. We asked Ms. [redacted] why she brought her dog with her, and she explained: "It's part of dog training. These dogs are expected to do everything these days."

Current Weights of Three Cats

[Due to popular demand, this is going to be a regular column from now on. We're sure you'll agree on its importance.]

• Conan the Barbarian, O.H.*, 16 lbs.
• Bart, 12 lbs.
• DOS, 8¼ lbs.

* "O.H." is short for Our Hero.

And now, a word from our sponsor ...

Cats are a lot like women. They don't usually just come up to you and say "hi." They'll get your attention first in some unobtrusive manner, then keep hanging around until you decide to talk to them. Finally, if you work it right, they'll let you pick them up and pet them.

[We're sorry. We don't know where that came from. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties.]

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 2

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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Falling Down a Manhole

(can be quite painful and should be avoided)

Vol. 6, No. 2, March 1, 1994

Michael moves!

Michael has moved out of his mother, Lucy's, house. "It's the first time I've been able to afford it," he says. "Believe me, it would've happened sooner if it could have been helped."

Sharing a house with three friends now, Michael's new address and phone number are Turlock, CA 95380, (209) ???????. He gave us this information reluctantly. "I'm only giving you this," he explained, "because I owe you one for that time you saved my life. Otherwise, you'd be the last person I'd ever let have my phone number, let alone my address."

Lucy had this to say about her son's departure: "I'm so happy. Now I can sing and dance and walk around the house in silly hats if I want to; not that I would ever do that sort of thing, of course."

Ice storm hits Tennessee!

An ice storm hit Tennessee February 9 and 10. The accumulation of ice uprooted hundreds -- possibly thousands -- of trees and snapped -- oh, I don't know -- maybe millions of branches. These, in turn, landed on power lines and knocked out power all over the middle portion of the state (which is Tennessee, in case you skipped the headline). Electricity was out (meaning no heat!) for 2½ days and three bone-chilling nights at the Holmes residence in Nashville.

"It was awful," said Diane.

"It was worse than awful," said Don. "It was terrible! No, it was horrific! No, dire. No ... apocalyptic! Yeah, that's what it was. It was apocalyptic!"

"I don't know," said Bill with a shrug. "I kinda liked not having any electricity, roughing it, living off the land. It was quite exhilarating."

For those of you wondering what an ice storm is, it's basically normal rain, but it freezes once it lands on whatever it's going to land on, making for the worst possible driving conditions, not to mention (even though we just did) the other problems it causes.

Doug off to Portugal again

Doug's going to Portugal in mid-March "for about one month." This makes it his fifth trip to Europe in as many years! Must be nice to be young and rich.

How did he get so rich? Well, he's not, really, but his business, Doug's Mugs, brings in a steady income. He's been in Sacramento's Arden Fair Mall for a couple of years now, and is looking into expanding to Yuba City (north of Sacramento) and Modesto (south of Sacramento) -- two really "happening" towns. About the Modesto mall, he says, "We'll do it for May and June, at least, and then see if it's worth it for Christmas."

Michael written up

Michael (yes, the same guy as the one in our top story) had an article written about him and a fellow disc jockey in that fine newspaper, The Turlock Journal. We've reprinted it below (without permission, of course). The article came out in December, and we're just now receiving it through our "crack" news sources.

And now for something really different ...

By Darla Welles

The Turlock Journal

Getting a little tired of the traditional Christmas tunes? Heard just about enough about chestnuts roasting and silver bells ringing and figgy pudding? [figgy pudding?] Well, twist that tuner to 91.9 on the FM dial Friday and lend an ear to some very nontraditional sounds of Christmas. That's when a pair of zany [bet you didn't know Michael was -- zany'] disc jockeys on Cal State-Stanislaus' radio station, KCSS, put out their own slightly twisted version of musical holiday cheer.

There's Michael [redacted], who in his respectable daytime persona is a graphic designer, but who emerges on the airwaves as "Mr. Happy." When he talks radio station business, he becomes that alter ego. And there's his sidekick from Sacramento, who broadcasts as "The Dry Heaver," and won't allow his real name to be revealed.

Together they've scrounged up a collection of some of the most peculiar bits of music and comedy routines ever to hit the holiday entertainment market. "We scour the record bins all year long to get ready for this show," says Mr. Happy. "We look for the bizarre. We don't get into the well-known things like the barking dogs' -- Jingle Bells.' We try to go for the things that you won't hear anywhere else."

Giving a quick listen to excerpts from last Christmas Eve's show, which the pair call the "Unusual Christmas Show," demonstrates their success in ferreting out the little-known and off-beat. Oh, some of the tunes may be familiar. But their renditions are definitely oddball.

Consider "The Little Drummer Boy" pounded out to a heavy-metal beat or played on instruments that might be used in India. And the Madonna to be found on this show bears no relation to the one that sat by the side of a manger in a stable those many years ago. [What?]

The original cast members of the western TV series "Bonanza" can be heard harmonizing on a tune called "Merry Christmas, Neighbors." There are tunes from such diverse entertainers as The Monkees, The Osmonds, popular [unlike the Monkees and Osmonds] rock groups, rappers, singer-comedian Danny Thomas, and even a number by actor Cary Grant.

One song reports that "Santa's gonna leave the White House a lump of coal." [he-he, that's a good one (not)] Also on the play list are such titles as "Praying For A Cheaper Christmas," "There Ain't No Sanity Claus," "Burn Down The Malls" and "Buy War Toys for Christmas." It's the kind of quirky collection that makes a tune like "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" seem like a classic example of logic and good taste. [What, are you saying it isn't?]

By way of explanation, Mr. Happy says, "The Dry Heaver has been doing the show for five years and I've been with it for three. It started in response to all the big Christmas specials on TV: the Bob Hope Christmas Special, the Bing Crosby Christmas Special. We were just fed up with that bland approach to the holiday celebrations. So we pulled together a generous dose of satire and cynicism and started our own collection. We're always on the lookout for little nuggets to add to the show. And each year we add a few of the highlights -- or maybe I should say lowlights -- that we find during the year. We go for the most depraved, nonconformist stuff we can find, and instead of just playing it at home in our living rooms, we share it with our listeners."

A Little Bit of History

This week's subject is Folsom, California...

[For those of you saying to yourself, "Who cares about the history of Folsom?" maybe we should explain that our illustrious editor and his somewhat less illustrious siblings were raised in Folsom. For those of you still saying to yourself, "Who cares about the history of Folsom?" all we can say is give us something better to write about!]

In 1852, the Sacramento Valley Railroad, which was the first chartered railroad west of the Rockies, was incorporated. Theodore Judah from New York was hired to lay out a rail route between Negro Bar (on the American River) and Marysville. ["Theodore Judah," by the way, was the name of the grade school Doug and attended for 1st and 2nd grade, if that helps to make this more interesting.] In 1855, Captain Joseph Libby Folsom assumed the presidency of the SVRR, but died just three weeks before construction of the railroad began. In February 1856, the first train from Sacramento pulled into Folsom. Eventually, the railroad became the oldest link in the western line of Southern Pacific.

Pony Express mail was carried for one year [only one year?] from July 1, 1860 to June 30, 1861 between St. Joseph, Missouri and the Wells Fargo building in Folsom. By 1861, freight and mail stages from St. Joseph were coming to Folsom to connect with the railroad.

Mormon Island [probably settled by Mormons, eh?] was the earliest settlement in the Folsom area. This mining camp had a population of more than 2,500 by 1855. Mormon Island was located north of present-day Folsom, near the old stage route along Green Valley Road.

After the Sacramento Valley Railroad came to Negro Bar [politically incorrect terminology], Mormon Island began to decline. The town was all but gone by 1880. The area then was home to many ranchers and farmers until 1955. That year, the cemetery was relocated to higher ground, and the rising waters of the new Folsom Lake buried Mormon Island.

How to size clothing

CHEST: Men's-Take measurement up under the arms and around chest. Women's-Measure at the fullest part of the bust.

SLEEVES: Measure from the base of the neck, across shoulder, down arm to slightly bent elbow and up to wrist.

WAIST: Measure at the narrowest part. [Assuming there is one.]

HIPS: Measure at fullest point, standing with feet together.

INSEAM: Measure from the crotch to bottom of cuff along inside pant seam. [It's more fun if you have someone of the opposite sex do this for you.]

Dog News

[Warning: For those of you completely sick of hearing about dogs in this newsletter, we recommend that you skip this article, if you haven't already done so.]

Lucy sells puppies

"Three down, one to go," says Lucy. Two puppies were sent to Texas (Lubbock and Amarillo), and the other one was sent to Elk Grove, CA, just south of Sacramento.

The names of the two remaining puppies are: Feisty (the one Lucy's keeping), Faraway Thunder (just "Thunder," for short). The one sent to Elk Grove was named Firestorm. Says Lucy, "I love the name -- Firestorm,' but I've already got a dog named Stormy, so I had to sell her. Her nickname could have been -- Fire,' I suppose, but that would have caused problems whenever I called her, you see."

Puppies get tattoos

Lucy and the two puppies remaining at home got drunk one night and went down to the local tattoo parlor. "It was totally up to the puppies as to what sort of tattoo they got," Lucy explained. "Thunder got one of a battleship and Feisty got one that said -- Born To Kill.'" We asked what sort of tattoo Lucy got, but she said it was none of our "damn business."

Lucy to judge Vegas dog "match"

Lucy will be traveling to Las Vegas soon (probably will already have gone and come back by the time this newsletter goes out) to judge a dog "match." We say, "match" as opposed to "dog show" because ... well, because Lucy told us to. "There is a difference," she stated emphatically, though she refused to explain what that difference is. And since she is the Western Regional Director of the U.S. Rottweiler Club (pretty fancy title, huh?), we'll just have to take her word for it.

Coyotes can't jump

Remember the movie "White Men Can't Jump"? Well, the sequel is now out and it's called "Coyotes Can't Jump."

Actually, it's Lucy's dog "Coyote" that we're talking about. And the sad truth is that she's just getting too old and can no longer jump fences like she used to. Neither can Coyote.

"I found her one day crying at the foot of the fence," Lucy explains. "It was truly sad. She wanted to jump the fence so bad. She just couldn't. So I picked her up and threw her over the fence."

Current weights of two dogs

Feisty: 15 lbs.

Thunder: 15 lbs.

Actual classified ad (found in recent Nashville Tennessean)

FREE-Persian, to good home. 4 yr. old female Himalayan or 36 yr. old husband. House not big enough for both. Cat loves children and is litter trained. Kids give my husband a headache, but he's basically housebroken. Cat is registered, husband is Heinz 57.

This Dream I Had

by

I was wandering around this huge maze-like nightclub looking for my date, a beautiful girl named Kim -- a girl I knew in L.A. When I found her, she was carrying what alternated between being a little girl, then a puppy. I refused to be held responsible for either one. She just laughed at me and disappeared again.

I went outside to get some fresh air and soon realized I was in France. I presumed this because everyone around me and the guy on the radio were speaking French. My brother Doug and friend Eric were there, speaking English. Eric and I had our cars with us. Eric had just bought a shiny cherry red Firebird. I had one of my old pickup trucks.

Eric and I both needed to have our cars smog-checked. There were several bays of smog-check stations, and all the smog-check personnel wore bright yellow (pimp-style) business suits & ties. As Doug, Eric and I waited for our cars to be checked, a song played over the radio extolling Burl Ives as the reason the Cheese Council was having such a good year. THE END. [Go figure.]

Baseball News

Major League Baseball has decided (finally!) to re-align its divisions. They're also considering changing the names of all the teams, as given below. Starting with this season, the divisions will consist of:

NL East Atlanta Chokers Florida Tunafish Montreal Exposers New York Mutts Philadelphia Follies NL Central Cincinnati Commies Chicago Dogs Houston Shopping Mallers Pittsburgh Aspirators St. Louis Woodpeckers NL West Colorado Outcroppings Los Angeles Yuppies San Diego Child Molesters San Francisco Tall Persons

AL Least Baltimore Orios Boston Half-Baked Beans Detroit Alleycats New York Yankers Toronto Bluebirds AL Central Chicago Wasps Cleveland Native Americans Kansas City Prairie Dogs Milwaukee Alcoholics Minnesota Triplets AL West California earthquakes Oakland Jockstraps Seattle Men-Overboard Texas Cowpies

Entertainment News

Well, I just got back from a show (2/20/94) by a group called "October Project" at the Ace of Clubs. All I can say is: Wow! These guys are great! They're definitely one of my favorite groups now. Their lead vocalist is a woman with the most emotional, perfect-pitch voice I have ever heard. In fact, I must admit, if it wasn't for this woman's vocal talents, the band would be just another experimental jazz/rock band. But, like I said, they're more than just another band. This band reminds me a lot of that old '70s group "Renaissance," only the vocals are better and they're more up to date. Also in the band are two keyboardists (one male, one female), an electric guitar (complete with guitar player), and a drummer/bongo player.

The headliner of the show was a group called "Crash Test Dummies." A great name, and I like their hit ("Coffee Spoons," recently performed on "Saturday Night Live"). But I didn't stick around to hear them. The club was just too crowded (I was forced to stand the whole time), and I couldn't get service at the bar. So I checked out early. Besides, October Project was the reason I went, anyway.

Two weeks ago I saw "Dreaming in English" and "Fugitive Popes" at Blue Sky Court. The "Popes" can only be described as "grunge metal." They were pretty good, actually, with a charismatic lead singer/guitarist. But by the time they were done playing, I was half deaf.

"Dreaming in English" were pretty good, too. They played what I guess could be called "progressive rock." (It's so hard to categorize these things!) They claimed to be missing a key band member that night, but I couldn't tell what was missing.

The following week, I saw the blues group, "The Mark Holt Band" at a club called "Third & Lindsley" (which is also its street location). Holt was an excellent blues guitarist (the bartender informed me that Holt once played with Buddy Rich or Buddy Guy, which did not impress me since isn't Buddy Guy/Rich about 100 years old now?).

The funny thing about the Mark Holt Band was that the same three backup guys from "Dreaming in English" were Mark Holt's backup band, and the two bands play completely divergent music.

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 3

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

---

The Obtuse Moose

Vol. 6, No. 3, April 21, 1994

Jeannie finds dog

Jeannie and John have a ranch in Tracy, California. To help pay the bills, they board a few horses. One of those horses, a fat old gray Arabian mare, had been particularly irritable recently. She would swish her tale in agitation whenever someone tried to saddle her, for instance, and was just being "bitchy," in general. Like a lot of fat old gray mares.

"Maybe she's pregnant," said John, noticing her large belly.

"No," said Jeannie. "She's just getting fat. We probably don't ride her enough."

Feeding the horses one morning, Jeannie was surprised to find a Great Dane in the stall with the old mare. What the...? Jeannie wondered.

Moving closer, she realized it was not a Great Dane, but a newborn filly! Some time before breakfast, the old gray mare had given birth!

"I told you she was pregnant," said John upon hearing the news.

They called the vet, who came by and declared both mare and filly perfectly healthy. The mare was fifty pounds underweight, he said, but otherwise just fine. Who would have thought natural birth could occur without the aid of modern medicine?

"So, if you know anyone who wants a newborn Arabian filly," says Jeannie, "have them call me."

The moral of the story? This story has no moral. What do you think this is, a children's story?

Doug delays trip

Doug has had to delay his trip to Portugal for mysterious reasons. Remember, in the last newsletter we said he was going to Portugal? Well, he never went. Once he does go, however, the following is a brief itinerary:

"I will fly to Lisbon and meet our cousins there, and I plan to see the northern part where there are snow-capped mountains where it borders Spain. That'll be for about one week. Then I go to Terçeira Island for about 10 days and then Pico Island for a week. I will then go to Madeira Island (not part of the Azores) a couple days, which is off the coast of Africa. We have cousins there, too, who are from Terçeira originally. My plan at this time is to leave... and return... . But I haven't purchased tickets yet and the flights may be filled, so the dates are not set."

[The above use of ellipses (those three dots in a row) was done to illustrate a point. We wanted to show how ellipses can be used to make the person being quoted look foolish. The point being, never trust the news media. Of course, we here at The Obtuse Moose would never stoop so low -- further proof that this is probably the only semi-regular publication you can trust. Scary, isn't it?]

Bill moves, takes second job

Bill has his own place now. His new address is White Bridge Road, Nashville, TN 37209. The phone number is (615) x-x. It's a one-bedroom apartment in between the ritzy Belle Meade and the dumpy West Nashville neighborhoods.

The second job mentioned above is in the capacity of "desktop publishing operator" at a service bureau or "pre-press" on Nashville's Music Row. He is hanging onto his temporary desktop publisher position at Third National Bank, as well. "I'll be putting in some 12-hour days here and there," said Bill. "But that's all right. I have nothing else to do."

This came at a time when Bill was discouraged enough by the Nashville job market (or, more accurately, anyone's willingness to hire him) that he was thinking of moving back out West somewhere to look for work. Luckily for Bill and the entire Western United States, he will be staying in Nashville.

[This just in: Bill has apparently quit that second job. Will he be moving again? See "Interview with Bill," page 4.]

Dad turns 75!

Lionel Holmes of Sacramento, CA, reached the three-quarters of a century mark on April 2. "I don't feel 75," he says, "but I guess I am."

Congratulations, Dad!

of Santa Ana, CA, Dad's #1 son, turned 46 on April 20. "I don't feel 46," says Greg, "but I guess I am."

You can tell they're related, huh?

Interview with Leonard Specht

• LS: Is this the newsletter editor?
• Moose: Who wants to know?
• LS: This is your Uncle Leonard.
• Moose: Oh, hey! How ya doin'?
• LS: Fine, thanks. I'm just calling to get your current address.
• Moose: Why? You're not a skip tracer, are you?
• LS: No! Can't a guy just call his nephew?
• Moose: Sorry.
• [A few pleasantries were then exchanged before the real interview began.]
• LS: I just wanted you to know I think your newsletter is great. Keep up the good work.
• Moose: Thanks! Of course, we think it's probably the best newsletter in existence. But it's always nice to hear someone else say it.
• LS: I never said it was the best newsletter in existence.
• Moose: Oh, well, I'm sure that's what you meant.
• LS: Actually, no. I was just being kind. It's really not all that great, to be honest.
• Moose: Oh, well ...
• [A long pause ensued before anyone spoke (which is normal for long pauses, isn't it?).]
• LS: So, how do you like your new place?
• Moose: Well, I'm staying with my brother Don right now ...
• [This interview was conducted about a month before Bill moved into his own apartment.]
• LS: Do you know what your mother used to call Don?
• Moose: Well, yeah. But we try not to use words like that in the newsletter.
• LS: Huh? Well, I don't know about that. But I do know she used to call him "Donika" when he was a little boy.
• Moose: Really? I didn't know that.
• LS: I'm not surprised.
• Moose: So, what have you been up to?
• LS: Well, in May my wife, Betty, and I took Amtrak from San Antonio to New York City, then the L.I.R.R. to Woodbury, Long Island, where we stayed with relatives. Then, we attended my grandson Cory's graduation from Syracuse University.
• Moose: Syracuse... What sort of name is that, originally? Greek? Indian?
• LS: Who cares? Anyway, this coming May we're going to Europe.
• Moose: Taking Amtrak again?
• LS: No. We'll be flying to Austria. From there, we'll go to Germany and Switzerland, and maybe, if we have time, Hungary.
• Moose: Oh yeah? Doug's been to Hungary, and he's going to Portugal soon. Maybe you'll run into him.
• LS: I hope not!
• Moose: That Doug's a real Hungarofile, isn't he?
• LS: A what?
• Moose: A Hungarofile. You know, someone who's into all things Hungarian.
• LS: If you say so.
• Moose: So, when's your next video coming out? Your "Baking With Lenny" was a classic.
• LS: I haven't done any videos since that one. It's a hard act to follow, you know? But I still bake bread.
• Moose: Do you? Can you maybe send us a loaf or two? It's been weeks since anyone here at the newsletter has had a square meal.
• LS: No. Look, I've gotta go.
• Moose: Well, hey, call any time!
• LS: Why?

---

Right here was supposed to be a beautiful depiction of that cable tv show "Mystery Science Theater 3000." One of our more artistically inclined readers sent it to us. We scanned it into a computer and threw away the original. A couple of days later we accidentally deleted the computer-scanned picture. So, instead of a great work of art, all you see here is this stupid explanation.

---

Letters to the Editor

"I've been reading your newsletter over the years, and I'm confused about something. This guy Doug has been traveling to Portugal on a fairly regular basis. I thought he was President of the Hungarian-American Friendship Society. What the heck's he doing going to Portugal to see "cousins"? Is he Hungarian or is he Portuguese?! I want to know, and I want to know now!" -- Joe Dimbulbsky, Muskee

Indiana

Dear Joe: All we really know about Doug is that he's always up to something, and with this newsletter being hard-up for news most of the time, we've always got room for a story about him. By the way, who the heck are you, anyway? You're not on our mailing list.

"Just wanted you to know I really liked your last newsletter. I liked both of the stories, especially 'Dinko Goes Shopping.' You're a genius!" -- Lucy, Livingston, CA

[Okay, so we added that last sentence. But Lucy's actual comments were similar to those coming from several of our readers after that last issue. And for that, we're very grateful.]

"We feel very privileged to be included on the mailing list of your very informative newsletter. Although we are not part of the family, I think it should be noted that Bill (a.k.a. 'Editor') moved to Tennessee without giving one lousy passing thought to leaving us here in L.A. without a friend. Now, that so-called family cannot be all that important when you keep in mind that when we placed our very first phone call and asked for Bill, his 'brother' responded by saying, 'Bill who?' (Quote not taken out of context).

"But we are trying to muddle through and the newsletter manages to still keep us somewhat joined at the hip. Thanks. -- Jinx and Jan, Westchester, CA (a.k.a. The Gumball Machine and the Jai Alai Guy)

Dear Jinx and Jan: "The Gumball Machine and the Jai Alai Guy"? We believe their names are "Tom Servo" and "Crow," respectively; or maybe vice versa, we're not sure. And you say we "left you without a friend"? Ha! [You readers out there should know that Jinx and Jan have about 3,000 friends, so they're hardly "without friends."]

That aside, we appreciate the "musical instruments" you sent along with your letter. How did you know we were forming a newsletter band? But then, I guess when you live in Nashville you pretty much have to start a band, eh? As soon as we've mastered all the instruments [kazoo, nose flute, slide whistle, and ocarina], we'll be recording an album.

People Actually Said This?

Personnel expert Robert Half calls it "resumania" -- a name for the funny, perplexing and bizarre bloopers that appear on job candidates' résumés. Half has been compiling a list of goofy résumé notations for more than 40 years. Some of his favorites include:

• "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head."
• "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty."
• "I am a rabid typist."
• "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
• "Please disregard the attached resume; it's terribly out of date."
• "Reverences supplied upon bequest."
• "My experience packing sausage uniquely qualifies me as a product taster."
• "Willing to do anything to get this job."
• "Only applying so I can tell the Unemployment people I'm looking for work. Please don't call me."
• "Used to work for the Post Office. If you hire me, I'll kill you."

Interview with Bill

• Obtuse: So, how do you like your new job?
• Bill: Oh, I quit that job.
• Moose: You quit?! But you just started!
• Bill: Well, actually, I was there a month.
• Obtuse: A whole month? Oh, well that's different then. That's almost like a career.
• Bill: That's how I feel about it.
• Moose: So, why'd you quit?
• Bill: The job was not what I thought it would be. It was no fun, the boss was a jerk, the hours were long, and the pay was nothing special.
• Obtuse: Sounds like 99% of the jobs out there.
• Bill: Yeah, but this was a second job, you see. And I decided that I really didn't need a second job, you know? I mean, I'm not supporting a wife and kids or anything.
• Moose: So, you've still got that job at the bank?
• Bill: Yeah, for now.

INSTRUCTIONS

Slide Whistle

Don't hum, just blow, and fantasize ... . Can be habit forming.

Kazoo

Requires some humming ability.

Humanatone (Nose Flute)

Hold it firmly between the thumb and forefinger of either hand. Press firmly against nose and mouth. Keep the mouth well open, and always press the humanatone against the nose and mouth so that -- this is important -- there will be no opening at the corner of the mouth or any other point of contact between the nose, mouth, and humanatone. Failure to follow these directions to the letter may have embarrassing results. Blow through the nostrils only.

Ocarina

The name comes from the Italian diminutive for "goose," sliding down from the Latin roots for bird and aviary. Hard to play, too. It requires some talent and coordination.

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 4

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

---

Fish Stories

Best when lightly buttered, with just a pinch of lemon.

Vol. 6 No. 4

June 28, 1994

Tiffany wins awards

Tiffany and her horse, Rocky, of Tracy, CA, competed in a local horse show a couple of months ago. [See how current this newsletter is?] The duo ended up winning a couple of blue ribbons and a few other ribbons. Anyway, congratulations Tiffany!

This just in: Tiffany buys another horse! It's a quarter-horse mare and its name is "Chu Ti," or something like that. A Chinese horse, apparently. Or maybe its name is "QT," as in "cutie." We really don't know, and we're sure as heck not going to actually find out. That's not our job. Our job is to report the news as we see fit. It's incumbent upon our readers to figure out what it all means!

Bill Buys Topper

We asked Bill, "What is a topper, anyway?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I just had to buy one, though."

We did a little research and found out that a "topper" in Tennessee is what they call a "camper shell" out West.

"It's great!" Bill added, once we told him what a topper was. "Now I'll have a place to sleep when I lose my job and get kicked out of my apartment!"

"When you lose your job?"

"Oh, it's inevitable, isn't it? I wonder if this topper comes with electricity?"

Another recent purchase Bill made was a Huffy 10-speed mountain bike. "It only cost $100 at Target!" said Bill excitedly (but then, he's easily excitable, as you know).

Doug Gives Speech

Doug flew to Salt Lake City in mid-May to speak in front of a mostly-live audience on the subject of genealogy. "It went fairly well," said Doug, "but it wasn't exactly standing-room-only. Still, I think my audience came out of that auditorium feeling better about themselves!"

Steve & Denise Buy Dog

Steve and Denise have bought a dog. Yes, a dog, believe it or not. "The only reason I agreed," says Steve, "was that the idea came up to get a miniature dachshund like Kristen's [their daughter] cousin's. We thus got Freida, a reddish female."

[So, was it because it was a Dachshund, or was it because his daughter wanted a dog just like her cousin's? We just don't understand his reasoning! Not that we ever understand our readers' reasoning. After all, if they were sane, they wouldn't be reading this newsletter in the first place.]

"Freida" was 8 weeks old when they bought her and was therefore old enough to get her shots. "To the vet's surprise," says Steve, "Freida didn't yelp when she got her shot." Steve did yelp, of course.

Diane Buys X-Ray Machine

Diane, Don and Bill drove from Nashville to Chicago last month to pick up an x-ray machine for Diane's burgeoning chiropractic practice. The three left Nashville on a Friday evening and, after several hours of driving, spent the night somewhere near Indianapolis. By eleven the next morning, with Don doing all the driving, they arrived in the northern Chicago suburb of Northbrook.

"Chicago's a disgusting town," opined Don. "It's like L.A. without the beach."

Expecting to simply to pick up the x-ray machine, load it, and maybe take in a few of Chicago's many sights before leaving town, they were all disgusted (well, Bill was disgusted, anyway) to find that the machine was "not quite ready" for loading. It had yet to be dismantled. It took five hours of intensive manual labor to rectify this minor discrepancy.

Before breaking it down for shipping, however, Diane wanted to run a couple of test x-rays on Bill. "Why me?" Bill cried (literally).

"Because you're the biggest person here, and it's best if we test it on as big a person as possible," Diane explained. "Now shut up and hold perfectly still."

After test x-rays of Bill's lower back were taken, Bill complained, "Hey, we forgot to use the 'gonad shield!' [a lead plate designed to protect one's privates from harmful radiation]"

"Oh, you never use yours, anyway," said Diane. [Now you know how mean Diane can be sometimes!]

Anyway, after finally getting the machine loaded into the trailer, Don and Diane took turns driving all night and they arrived in Nashville by sunrise. As of this writing, the evil, cursed machine lies in pieces on the floor of the room Don built specially for it.

Winner: Most Culturally-Sensitive Math Question

• If Rufus is pimping three hookers at $65 per trick, how many tricks must be turned each day to pay for Rufus's $800-a-day coke habit?
  • Answer: Insufficient data, unless the hookers are giving Rufus the entire $65, which is unlikely.

We were going to do a story on "Attention Deficit Disorder" here, but we got distracted.

Cat News

Diane and Don's cats have been getting into all kinds of trouble lately, and we would be remiss if we didn't tell you all about it.

Conan (a.k.a. "Master of All He Surveys"), the top cat of the household -- actually, the top cat in the entire world, as Conan sees it -- regularly gets into fights with the neighborhood tomcat. You already know that from past stories here (assuming you actually read these stories, which is, admittedly, assuming a lot). There's really no reason to mention Conan in this story, except that he would be insulted if we didn't. So there. We mentioned him.

Onto the real story: Bart (a.k.a. "Barton Bartles Bartlett Bartholomew Bartell de Bartolo III, Prince of Many Realms, Idol of Millions" ... or something like that) had a lump on his shoulder. Bill noticed it when he was still living there, and he mentioned it to Diane. But did she listen? Of course not. Diane's the doctor. Bill knows nothing, especially when it comes to cats! Anyway, that lump kept getting bigger and bigger until Diane was forced to take Bart to the vet.

It turns out the lump was a malignant tumor and it had to be removed. They had to shave a two-square-inch clump of Bart's world-renowned fur -- which made Bart furious, image-conscious as he is, you know. Luckily, that was the worst of it. The vet removed the cancer successfully and Bart is free to live his normal, stupid cat existence. End of story. Happy endings are nice, aren't they?

Then, just a few weeks later, DOS (a.k.a. "Dinko," canned-food lover) came home with a sore hind foot. No big deal, right? Wrong! Don and Diane went to North Carolina the following weekend, upon returning found that DOS's hind leg had swelled up immeasurably! (Well, not really "immeasurably," since they could have measured it if they wanted to. But, well, you get the idea.)

Anyway, the next thing you know, they're taking little DOS (a.k.a. "brainless one") to the vet. The vet said that DOS had been in a fight, presumably with the neighborhood tomcat. (DOS has been hanging out with his older, tougher brother Conan too much, apparently.)

DOS is still limping around, but it appears that he will recover eventually. Physically, anyway. "He's been moping around a lot lately," says Diane; to which Don replied, "Well, you would be, too, if you were attacked and almost eaten by a tomcat!" Don and Diane then got into a huge argument over what it would be like to be eaten by a tomcat.

Conspiracy Corner

Excerpt from "EFFector Online" 07.08

Ever Feel Like You're Being Watched? You Will ...

• Digital Media has learned that the Clinton administration is debating not if, but how, to create a card, a so-called "U.S. Card," that every American will need in order to interact with any federal government agency. The card could open a window on every nuance of American personal and business life.
• Clinton is also considering signing two executive orders that would greatly expand the government's access to personal records, including an order that would allow the IRS to monitor individual bank accounts and automatically collect taxes based on the results, said sources close to the White House. The collection service will be presented as a "convenient" way to avoid filling out a tax return. The White House did not respond to requests for comments about this report.
• In a slide presentation at a recent conference on the subject, U.S. Postal Service representative Chuck Chamberlain outlined how an individual's U.S. Card would be automatically connected with the Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Treasury, the IRS, the banking system, and a central database of digital signatures for use in authenticating electronic mail and transactions.
• The U.S. Card is only a proposal, Chamberlain insists. Yet the Postal Service is prepared to put more than a hundred million of the cards in citizens' pockets within months of administration approval, he said. Chamberlain added that the IRS, in particular, is pursuing plans for an identity card for taxpayers.
• "There won't be anything you do in business that won't be collected and analyzed by the government," said William Murray, an information system security consultant to Deloitte & Touche who saw Chamberlain's presentation. "This [National Information Infrastructure] is a better surveillance mechanism than [1984 author George] Orwell or the government could have imagined. This thing is so pervasive and the propensity to connect to it is so great that it's unstoppable."

Steve Picks Nose, Fight!

Violence in our schools has apparently spread from the students to the teachers. Steve [redcated], a mild-mannered math teacher at Rio Linda Jr. High School in Sacramento, CA, recently had an altercation with a fellow teacher named Danny [redacted]. Mr. [redacted] runs Rio Linda's "Opportunity School" (basically, a reform school on campus).

What happened was, Steve was trying to call a student's parents from the school lounge when [redacted] interrupted him by shouting that the vice-principal said Steve had said something about him. [You follow?] Still yelling, [redacted] added that if Steve had anything to say, he should say it to his face.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Steve replied.

When [redacted] repeated the question twice, Steve gave the same answer each time. He then ignored the obnoxious jackass, er, [redacted], and tried again to make his phone call. Enraged by Steve's brush-off, [redacted] shouted, "Did you hear me?"

Steve continued to ignore him, and [redacted] kicked Steve's chair. "He was obviously trying to start a fight," Steve said later. [Exciting, huh? To set the record straight, Steve had never said anything about [redacted], behind his back or otherwise.]

This was not the first time [redacted] had tried to start something with Steve. The prior incident occurred the previous October when [redacted] told Steve that one of Steve's female students was going to Mexico for a relative's funeral. [redacted], who claims to speak Spanish, said he would be accompanying the girl as an "interpreter." [Yeah, right. More like he wanted a free trip to Mexico.]

[redacted] wanted to know what textbook the girl could take in order to keep up with her studies. Steve said he wasn't using a textbook -- the school didn't have enough of the pre-algebra texts he planned to follow -- but a book [redacted] could use was available in the library.

Soon thereafter, [redacted] had Steve called into the vice-principal's office. (The vice-principal just happens to be a friend of [redacted].) The vice-principal was told that Steve was "insensitive" for not providing him with the student's schoolwork as he had asked. The vice-principal said that [redacted] was a "hot personalitied" person, and he dismissed the whole thing. Steve followed up the meeting with a letter to [redacted] explaining the entire matter. [redacted] never replied.

What is funny about this whole thing [Yes, there is something funny about this.] is that Steve's wife, Denise, used to date [redacted] in high school, and she says he used to get into trouble back then, too. But that's not all. It just so happens that the last teacher who wanted to fight Steve [Yes, these are teachers! And yes, Steve is apparently always getting into fights.] was a man named Dan [redacted], whom Denise had also dated before she met Steve.

You decide. Is it some sort of conspiracy by Denise's old boyfriends to get Steve? Or is it just a talent Steve has for seeking out guys named Dan and irritating them? We think it's probably a combination of the two. Our advice to Steve is that, for the sake of prolonging this situation and, thus, providing this newsletter with a continuing soap opera, he should sic a couple of his old girlfriends on Denise, and let the fur fly! That's our humble advice.

Birthdays, etc.

• John
• Andy
• Fourth of July

See also: Residents Sick From Church Steeple Cell Tower Radiation

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 5

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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Behind the Eight Ball

Who is that behind the eight ball, anyway?

Vol. 6 No. 5, August 21, 1994

Jeannie Breaks Hand

Jeannie, a DMV employee in Tracy, CA, broke her hand after falling off her bicycle on the way to work recently. [The DMV doesn't allow its workers to drive cars.] Luckily, she was wearing her helmet. If not for that, she might have broken her other hand.

How did it happen? "I was trying to outrun a cop," she explained between gasps for breath. [This reporter just happened to be there for the interview.] "He clocked me doing 35 in a 25 m.p.h. zone. And I just about got away. But I crashed when you [this reporter] jumped out in front of me!"

[Update: The cast is off Jeannie's hand now, and the lawsuit against this newsletter is "proceeding nicely."]

Credence Achieves "Schutzhund III"

There was a "giant" Schutzhund (protection dog) trial and Rottweiler dog show in Modesto and Hayward, CA, over the 4th of July weekend. It was so big it had to be held in two towns. "Well, it was just too hot in Modesto for the Schutzhund trial," said a woman identifying herself only as "Lucy," of Livingston, CA.

Anyway, Credence, a Rottweiler owned by this "Lucy" person, finally -- finally! -- achieved that long-sought-after training level known as Schutzhund III. "Now she can retire to a life of luxury," Lucy explained further, even though we didn't ask her to. Before we could stop her, Lucy then went on to tell us all about her other dogs.

Belinda, a "German bitch" she co-owns, passed her "ZTP Test." (The ZTP, is an acronym for the German phrase "zatz tempen p¼chen," or "temperament and family values test." It's given to anyone caring to be tested, though it's usually given to dogs.) After the ZTP test, Lucy started getting calls from people all over the country, though she wouldn't explain why.

Since we're talking about Lucy's dogs already, we might as well also mention that "Feisty" (the "ugly one") won the Best Male Puppy competition.

"Thunder," Feisty's prettier brother, placed fourth. [It's good to see that looks don't count for everything.]

Holmes family connected to royalty?

It's true, according to noted Sacramento (CA) genealogist, Doug Holmes. "If you trace it back far enough," Doug explained in a telephone interview, "the Holmes family, of which the editor of this newsletter is unfortunately a member, is related either by blood or by marriage to every royal family in Europe!"

Every royal family? we asked. "Every royal family," Doug repeated.

Okay, we countered, but if you trace pretty much any family back far enough, couldn't they say the same thing?

"Not at all," said Doug.

Surely there must be thousands of families who can make this same claim?

"I said 'not at all,' didn't I?" Doug shot back angrily.

Okay, okay. But what we wanted to know was: Is there any money, crown jewels, or maybe a castle in it for any of these descendants?

"I doubt it," Doug replied reluctantly. "But ..."

It was too late. The interview was over. If there's no money in it, we're not interested. [Try and remember that the next time you call us with a news story.]

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Catfish

by Eric McGovern © Copyright 1994

It was a warm, humid night, as are most nights of August in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. It was ten p.m. and, as I loaded my fishing gear into my truck and looked up at the full moon, I was getting anxious to fish. I started up the truck, drove about three miles, and turned down a dark dirt road that dead-ended. I had to drive kind of slow as some of the roads in Bay St. Louis weren't the best, particularly some of the dirt roads, and this was one of them.

The road ended at the base of a large patch of woods. I grabbed my gear and began walking. I hadn't been to this spot in a few months and I was really glad I'd brought my machete with me, as the briars and poison ivy had gotten out of hand again. And if you've never tried walking through woods that are overgrown with briars and poison ivy, I have some advice for you ... Don't try it!

It was about a ten minute walk to the lake, which isn't far when you take into consideration that only a handful of people ever fished this particular lake, and the fishing was pretty darn good. As the lake came into view, I could I could hardly wait to get started. Piney Lake, as I called it, wasn't very big-about ten acres-but it was quiet, secluded, and full of fish. I was ready.

I set my small ice chest and tackle box down. I opened up the ice chest and took out a small brown paper bag containing my bait. I have used all sorts of bait for catfishing, from chicken livers to live Earthworms, but tonight I was using dead shrimp, which I consider prime catfish bait. I took one of my rods, and rigged it up with a cork, having decided to try topwater first. I baited my hook and cast out about forty feet.

It was a beautiful night. The full moon gave me plenty of light, so I didn't need to bring a lantern with me. There was no breeze whatsoever, and the lake was as smooth as glass. You could cut the thick, humid air with a knife, and I pulled a bandanna out of my pocket to wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead. I heard a buzzing sound which sounded like a small plane overhead, but of course I knew it was just the overgrown mosquitoes that had zeroed in on me and were ready for a feast, which I was in no mood to give them. I quickly opened my tackle box and grabbed my Deep Woods Off, and covered myself in a fog of the stuff. The mosquitoes took off and I got back to fishing.

It had just been about three minutes since I had made my cast and I was just about to set my pole down so I could get myself a nice cold beer when the fish struck so hard it nearly yanked the rod out of my hands! "Yeah! Instant action!" I yelled as I tried to turn the fish towards me. He didn't seem to want to cooperate. As he continued to strip line from my reel, I realized I had hooked a "really big" one. Two minutes went by and the fish continued to slowly, but consistently, take line. I wondered if I would be able to turn him before he stripped my reel clean.

Of the many times I had fished here, I had caught many cats, mostly channel and a few yellow mud. The biggest channel cat I ever caught here was a nine-pounder. This was definitely a channel cat, but he was considerably large than nine pounds. I was using a bait casting reel rigged with seventeen pound test Berkeley Big Game line and a stiff graphite rod, and had never had a whisker fish give me this much trouble before.

I only had about fifteen feet of line left when I finally turned the big cat towards me. I had to work him slowly to avoid breaking my line. I had to be careful because there was a lot of structure in this lake, mostly submerged trees and stumps, and I didn't want him wrapping around anything and breaking off. I got about three quarters of my line back when the big fish made another run, nearly stripping me again before I regained control.

I could feel the old catfish wearing down and I was glad because I didn't want to lose this whopper. But it wasn't over yet. There was a submerged pine tree about ten feet offshore and three feet to the left of me and I had a feeling that this fish was going to make one final attempt to get away.

I continued to reel the fish in when suddenly I got my first look at him. I got a lump in my throat when I saw the dinosaur of a catfish. He was about four feet long and must have weighed about sixty pounds! The biggest catfish I had ever caught was thirty pounds, and now I was nervous. "Please don't let me lose this fish," I thought to myself as he made one final run.

Just as I thought he would, that catfish headed right into the submerged pine tree. "Get outta there!" I yelled as I tugged on my rod with all my might. Now, I don't know if someone was watching over me on this particular night, or what, but I somehow managed to work that crusty old codger out of the branches of the submerged tree and I pulled him up onto the bank of the lake. It was hard for me to believe that there was even a catfish this big in this lake, let alone that I had caught him.

I could see his battle scars from where he had been hooked before. He had two rusted hooks in his right upper lip, one in his left lower lip, and a beat-up old crank bait hooked into his dorsal fin, which is something I had never seen before, and knew I never would again. He also had some old wounds that were probably caused by a gar, as well as several large leeches keeping him company.

I didn't know how old this guy was, but I knew he'd been around for a long time. I knew this old channel cat had gotten away from other anglers, and he put up such a battle that even though I knew I may never catch a fish like this again, I had to let him go. I removed the old hooks from his lips, as well as the old crank bait from his back.

"Take it easy, gramps!" I said as I guided the old sucker back into the water. I felt good watching him swim off. "He'd have been too tough to eat, anyway," I said to myself as I re-baited my hook to try my luck again.

Letters to the Editor

We really enjoy your newsletter ... keep them coming! -- Hal & Del, Alameda, CA

[Thank you. Now, we'd like to point out something about our editor. We were going through his personal papers recently, gathering information for routine blackmailing, when we came upon something interesting: It seems he had a "cumulative" grade point average of 2.74 in high school, and was ranked 306th out of the 486 students in his class. In his final year, he received a "D" in Journalism and a "C" in Creative Writing. That pretty much sums up this newsletter, don't you think?]

Bloopers

(All "genuine and certified." Collected by teachers from students from 8th grade to college level. Found somewhere and contributed by Lionel Holmes, Editor Emeritus.)

• "The 19th Century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up; Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men1; Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis; and Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
• The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of history."

1 For those, like our staff, who don't know who Cyrus McCormick was, he was the inventor of the reaper.

[Wouldn't you know it? After we put out a newsletter called "Fish Stories," Eric sends us an actual fish story that same day! It was too late to include it in that last issue. Better late than never. Thanks, Eric!]

Jokes

Q: How many "Star Trek" crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Six. Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, "I canna do it, Cap'n! I'm not a miracle worker!"; Spock to tell Kirk he is "proceeding illogically"; McCoy to say "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not an electrician!"; Kirk to screw it in; and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

Q: How many "baby boomers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Ten. Four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this; one to screw it in; one to videotape it; one to stick his Cotton Dockers butt in front of the camera; one to plan a marketing strategy; one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screw-ins in the '60s; and one to play classic rock.

Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Q. How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. They can't. The Bible doesn't say anything about light bulbs.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done, while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then wonder why it's still so dark.

Steven Wright Jokes ...

[We hope we don't get sued for reprinting them]

• I once worked in a factory that makes fire hydrants. It was an OK job, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I have a very large collection of sea shells. Maybe you've seen it ... I keep it scattered over the beaches all over the world.
• I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
• I named my dog "Stay." Now when I call him it's: "Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay."
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because I know it will be up all night.
• When I was seven, my parents moved to Texas. When I was nine, I found them.
• I got a new apartment a while back. On the wall is this light switch that didn't turn anything on. Everyday, I came home and flicked it on and off. Six months later, I get a letter from a lady in Belgium that says, "Cut it out."
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
• If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
• I like to pick up hitchhikers and say things like ... "Sooo, how far did you think you were going anyway?" and "Put your seat belt on. I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it."
• When I was a child we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child ... eventually ...

TRAVEL REPORT

this week we've got our spotlight on ...

BARBADOS

• Clothing: In a climate that is warm and sunny throughout the year, clothing really isn't all that necessary. For a night out, however, dinner jackets and light cotton evening dresses are fashionable, while pants are optional. "Bajan's" prefer colorful light casual garments. TRAVEL ADVISORY: Badly-dressed people, like the ones above, have, on occasion, been shot.
• Documents: U.S. citizens require a valid passport (but no one else does).
• Accommodations: There are over 150 hotels, inns, self-catering apartments, guest houses, and a good selection of furnished villas and cottages. But if you can find an abandoned car to sleep in, it's cheaper.
• Topography: At 13.4 degrees north and 59.37 degrees west (bring your sextant), Barbados is the most easterly of the Caribbean Islands. Because of this, it is first to stand against the Atlantic Ocean swells that
• crash dramatically against the northern and eastern coastlines. Just a short distance away in the "lee" of the island, the western and southern coasts host calm, gentle waters.
• Beaches: Barbados offers over 70 square miles of beaches ranging from delicate pink sand to the purest white. Exhilarating waves on one side of the island, or quietly lapping waters on the other.
• Sightseeing: See Beaches, above.
• Diving: Excellent.
• Duty Free Shopping: Liquor, bone china, crystal, watches, cameras, binoculars, jewelry, and perfumes are all good buys.

Wouldn't it be great if ... ?

• ... you could get any television station in the world so you could have a more realistic idea of what's going on, and not be limited by what our national networks deem appropriate?
• ... there were a few stations in the world worth watching?
• ... more intelligent and honest reporting was done by this country's national media, rather than simply regurgitating official White House press releases, as they do now?
• ... the media didn't cow-tow to the government and take seriously its manufactured "crises" like "health care" and "assault weapons"?
• ... we didn't have a socialist president (and her husband)?
• ... t.v. reporters didn't use the same tone of voice most adults reserve for children?

How To Make You're Own Soap

PLAIN LYE SOAP

• 1 lb. lard
• 4 tbsp. Red Devil lye
• 2/3 cup cold water
• Add Lye to cold water in a mason jar or Pyrex container (reaction is exothermic ... will give off heat!) Set jar in water bath at approx. 95°F to cool. Melt lard in a glass container in an oven set to approx. 150°. Set this in same 95°F water bath to cool. Once lye and lard are at 95°F, slowly pour lye water into lard, stirring constantly. The mixture will remain liquid for some time. Stir at least 30 minutes to ensure a complete reaction. Once it starts to thicken slightly, pour into a saran-wrap lined mold (bread pan is fine.) Cover and place somewhere warm to set. In 24-48 hours remove the soap from the mold and cut into bars.
• Stack bars loosely on a plate to cure for 2 weeks before using!

An excerpt from "Internet" ...

Area # 20 alt.alien.vis 07-28-94 06:28 Message # 7708

Subj: Re: UFO detectors?????

... another possibility would be magnetic reed switches. They close a circuit when exposed to a magnetic field (say an alien craft landing nearby) and could be hooked up to a siren. There was a guy in Modesto, CA who bought some reed switches for this very purpose from the electronic shop I work at. (He also said he was building some kind of anti-gravity device, so that brought down his credibility a bit.)

Whatever happened to ... Atlee Hammaker

(This one's for Mike)

For those of you asking yourself "who is Atlee Hammaker?": He was once a pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. He even went to the All-Star Game early in his Major League career. It went downhill from there, and he eventually earned the reputation as a loser. Now he's in Nashville pitching for the Sounds, a Chicago White Sox minor league farm team. According to a recent Tennessean news article, he "has hopes of being on the White Sox expanded roster in September," just so long as there isn't a strike.

So, there you have it: the first good argument anyone has yet come up with in favor of the baseball strike.

Tennessee Drivers

by

Car and Driver magazine had it right when they said Nashville drivers were the worst in the country. They're easily the worst drivers I've ever come across; and I've driven all over the country. Did you know driver training is not required in Tennessee? Really! It's not required.

And, if you'll pardon the expression, they use their cars as an extension of their manhood. (For the women, it's a substitute.) They love to tailgate, which makes me think they're all a bunch of closet homosexuals. They like to infringe on your "space" as much as possible. If you pull into one of those center turning lanes, invariably the first car coming from the opposite direction will move to the left-most side of their lane, just to make their presence felt.

---

---

When entering traffic from a side street, they like to pull out in front of you. They're not reckless about this (most of the time). They know you'll be able to stop in time (even if it means you and everyone and everything in your car will come flying toward your windshield). Most good drivers try and gauge the speed of oncoming cars before deciding it's safe, and considerate, to pull out into traffic. Not the Tennessean. They have no concept of "right of way." As far as they're concerned, they always have the right of way.

And if they're not pulling out in front of you, they still feel somehow obligated to get half a car-length past the line before stopping for a red light or stop sign. So if you're on the cross street and about to go through the intersection, you wonder if the idiot is going to stop or just plow into you.

I've wondered why it is that they're such jerks when behind the wheel, because they're generally so pleasant in person. (You know, that old "Southern hospitality" thang.) And I've come to the conclusion that driving is the Southerner's way of venting frustrations that have built up during the course of their non-driving day. Southerners uphold -- with all their might -- a polite public veneer until they can't stand it any more. And that's when they seek the anonymity and protection of their cars and they go out and terrorize the driving public. It's cathartic for them.

Well, that's enough ranting and raving ... for now.

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 6

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

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Coyote Breath

Vol. 6 No. 6, October 26, 1994

Don rides to Denver

In August, Don rode his motorcycle from Nashville to Denver. He wouldn't say why or what he did while in Denver. All we know is that he returned to Nashville a week later, but only stopped for a quick chiropractic adjustment before continuing south to Florida.

"I want to be there when the boat people arrive," he shouted over his shoulder as his rear tire flung gravel in this reporter's face. Luckily, this reporter was wearing safety goggles, as usual.

[Okay, so that bit about his going to Florida was a complete fabrication. A lie, if you will. We've got to stop doing that. All a newspaper/newsletter has, really, is its credibility. If you lose that you've lost everything. Of course, this newsletter never had any credibility. Never had it, never will. But, still ...]

Actually, by the time Don returned to Nashville his wife Diane's parents were in town, and Don and Diane spent the next few days entertaining them. When they ran out of strange and unusual things with which to keep the parents entertained, they brought Bill over as a sort of curio.

If you've never met Diane's parents, Bill and Ann, you should go visit them. Right now. Drop whatever you're doing and drive on up to Kingston, New York. They live in Buffalo, but if you drive to Kingston they'll meet you there.

Lucy goes to Canada

Not to be outdone by Don, Lucy and a friend [whose name escapes us] packed up a few dogs and drove from Livingston, CA to Vancouver, B.C., Canada in their constant search for a dog show blue ribbon. "The drive up there was nice," said Lucy. "We passed through Seattle. Now that's a beautiful city. I wouldn't mind living there ..."

Yeah, yeah, but what about the dog show? we asked. On this subject, Lucy was a little more reluctant to talk, if you can believe it. Finally, she blurted it out.

"The judge hated us!" she barked (no pun intended). "He hated us, our dogs, and the bus we rode in on! He hated our dogs so much, he spat on them! Can you believe that? I think he did, anyway. He might've just been drooling. He was a weird guy."

"Elnli" travel east

Well, it seems everyone was driving long distances over the summer. And that includes Lionel and Eleanor Holmes, collectively known as "Elnli" because of their personalized license plates. They drove from Sacramento, CA, to Washington, D.C., via Nashville, TN.

First on their list of "to do's" while in Nashville, of course, was to visit and pay homage to this newsletter's world famous headquarters. They stopped by, looked around a bit, glanced at their watches, and said: "Well, time to go."

From Nashville, they drove north along the Appalachian Trail to witness yet another, slightly less famous spectacle, the Fall Foliage. The turnaround point of their long drive was Washington, D.C., our nation's capital, where Mr. Holmes presented the Library of Congress with all the past issues of his Portuguese-American newsletter, O Progresso.

No kidding! The Library of Congress asked for the entire collection, and Mr. Holmes drove all the way across the country to deliver it personally! [We didn't have the heart to tell him that FedEx would have been faster, cheaper and easier.] But anyway, we here at this newsletter are very happy for him. Heck, we're just plain excited in general, for we know that now it's just a matter of time before the Library of Congress asks us for the entire collection of this newsletter! The FBI already has the entire collection, of course, but it wasn't exactly an "honor" when they asked for it.

Aileen goes dancing

The following article appeared recently in the Orange County edition of the Los Angeles Times:

"... At least she and her best friend, Aileen, also a junior at FVHS [Fountain Valley High School], can count on one free show a week somewhere. In the warmer months, there are three or more. They usually happen after school, on weekend afternoons and less frequently on a Friday evening ... [blah, blah, blah]

"Aileen, 15, usually learns about such shows from college radio. A poet and bassist, she believes more clubs should take a chance with all-age shows, providing they're strict with drinking laws.

"'We'd be more open-minded about music,' she says about her fellow high-schoolers. 'The media tell us what's in. But we should be able to decide for ourselves. There are local bands that will never get airplay. We should have the option of knowing about these bands so we can decide for ourselves.'"

[picture missing (lucky for her)]

See? She's dancing. So what if you can't recognize her in the picture?

Doug Visits Portugal (and Azores)

His itinerary was as follows:

• 16 Sept. (Fri.) -- Sacramento to Lisboa (a.k.a. Lisbon), Portugal (Flight at 7:10am)
• 17 Sept. (Sat) -- Arrive in Lisboa at 9:50am. Spend Sat. to Tuesday seeing cousins in Lisboa & Cartaxo
• 21 Sept. (Wed) -- Drive to Northern Portugal. Stay Wednesday night in the north and return to Lisboa by Thurs. evening.
• 23 Sept. (Fri.) -- Lisboa to Terceira (Flight at 1:20pm) Stay at Jose Leal Armas' place in Angra. Visit known cousins and find new ones from Rocha & Gonçalves Leonardo lines. Do research in archive and take lots of video of each village for future Ancestor Village videos. make photo copies of valuable books at library. Get many maps.
• 30 Sept. (Fri.) -- Terceira to Pico (Flight at 2:40pm) meet Teresa in Angra and fly with her to Pico. [Who is this "Teresa" person? That's what we want to know.] Rent car there and stay in São Roque & Lajes do Pico on Friday thru Tuesday while trying to find cousins in Piedade & São Roque areas. Revisit Jose Leal da Rosa in Piedade. Contact the priests of these villages to look through church vital records to bring me up-to-date. Video tape every village on Pico for the Ancestor Village videos.
• Faial: Take the Ferry from Magdalena to Horta on Wednesday afternoon and stay there until Friday. make contacts with the Horta Archive staff and do more research in the Passport Record Books. Try to arrange the purchase of microfilms. If there is time, drive around the island and videotape as much as possible.
• 7 Oct. (Fri.) -- Horta to Ponta Delgada (Flight at 4:20pm) Fly to São Miguel Island and arrange transportation to the scenic places on Saturday morning. must see the Furnhas. Locate the Archive if there is time.
• 8 Oct. (Sat) -- Ponta Delgada to Funchal (Flight at 2:35pm) Fly to madeira and stay in Funchal. Go to Arco de São Jorge to visit cousins and see the sights. Try to help Teresa research her Ancestry there. Visit the Archive there on monday before flying to Lisboa.
• 10 Oct. (mon.) -- Funchal to Lisboa (Flight at 6:00pm) Fly to Lisboa and box up everything for flight. Say good-byes.
• 11 Oct. (Tues.) -- Lisboa to NYC (JFK) (Flight at 11am) Arrive at JFK at 1:30pm with Teresa. Take cab to nearby motel somewhere to leave all our junk. Contact Carole, Dora & Adele and arrange to meet. Try to meet Diane Oliver and Ron Roel, if possible. See the usual sights of manhattan. Travel by train to get around.
• 13 Oct. (Thur) -- NYC (JFK) to Sacramento (Flight at 3:30pm) Send Teresa off to San Francisco and I fly home to Sacramento. Arrange for someone to meet me at the airport (maybe Flavia or Steve).
• 13 Oct. (Thur) -- Arrive in Sacramento at 10:05pm (Flight #1667)

Doug Returns from Portugal (and the Azores)

"I really had a good time," said Doug upon his arrival in Sacramento. "I even learned the language a little more and was able to understand a few things."

"How many languages do you speak now?" we asked.

"Oh ten or twelve," Doug replied. "I've lost track. I can't say I can actually talk to anyone yet, but I suppose my combination of Spanish and Portuguese is useful enough to get me around. Still, my Hungarian is way better than my Portuguese."

"You have a Hungarian and a Portuguese? Where do you keep them?!"

"Huh?" he looked confused for a minute. "Well, anyway, you probably already know that I will be teaching a free Portuguese genealogy class at the LDS [Latter Day Saints/Mormon Church] soon."

"Now I see where you get your bigamist tendencies."

"What are you talking about!?" Doug shouted, looking genuinely distressed.

"Nothing. Never mind. You were saying?"

"So anyway, I had a few more people write me letters expressing their interest so I have about 8 or 9 people for it now. I have enough raw material with me to keep me busy for a solid month on my Portuguese genealogy, if I had the time! One family I met on my trip is from Piedade, Pico, where our Leal da Roza ancestry is from. He is the one that moved to Chile and married there before moving to Angra, Terceira. Well, this family had lived in Toronto for many years and his two high school-aged daughters were born there. His father was also using the surname of Leal da Rosa (the old spelling was Roza) but he decided to drop the Leal because he already has a middle name and it would be too long."

"What?" we asked. "I thought they liked them long. The longer the better. You know, like Maria Gonzales Geraldo Conchita de la Guadalajara. Or something."

"That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. In fact, it almost sounds racist! Are you a racist?"

"How can I be a racist? It's my ancestry, too, that we're talking about here, you know."

"Well, actually ..." Doug paused.

"What?" we asked.

"No. Nothing. I promised."

"You promised what?"

"I'll tell you later," said Doug. [To find out what Doug promised, see Broken Promise, A Family Saga, page 5.]

"So, where were we? Oh yeah, I haven't checked yet, but this guy ..."

"The da Rosa guy."

"Yeah. He's a 5th cousin or so. I suppose I could find any person in Piedade and trace their ancestry to find we connect to them. In fact, I found that Denise Silva's [Steve's wife] Silva ancestry came from Piedade before moving to Angra, Terceira. This is a new discovery. So, Denise may be a cousin. I'll determine this in the next few months, I suppose."

"Are you saying Steve married his cousin?! I thought they only did that in East Tennessee."

"I'm not saying that," Doug shot back. "I just said it's possible."

He then continued on unabated, as usual. "Another cousin I met, Teresa, is the daughter of one of José Leal Armas's kids. She's 12 or 13, and she was such a nice little girl. Her mother was in Germany at the time, so she was staying with her grandpa (Armas) where I was staying. She really likes heavy metal music and The Doors. Her birthday is on the 28th of this month (October), so I plan to buy her a CD, probably Bruce Springsteen's 'Born to Run.' I think she'll like it."

"Wait a minute," we interrupted. "You just said she was a heavy metal and a Doors fan, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So, if she's a Doors fan why are you buying her a Bruce Springsteen CD?"

Doug ignored the question and changed the subject. "It's really funny to see the effect that American music has on the whole of Europe. I really had to crack up when I heard Portuguese-language 'rap' music! I can imagine the comments if I could get a local DJ to play it in the U.S.!"

"Maybe Mike [Doug's and this reporter's "deejay" nephew] will play it?" we suggested.

"Yeah!" said Doug. "Let's get Mikey!"

"Naaah. On second thought, he won't play it. He hates Portuguese rap. He specifically told me that once."

[picture missing]

Above is that wacky crew of mystery Science Theater 3000. From left to right, "Tom Servo" a.k.a "the gumball machine"; Joel; and "Crow" a.k.a "the jai-alai guy." This is basically what Jinx and Jan of Los Angeles drew for us several months ago (the one we lost).

Grumpy Guy Sounds Off

How about this Pepsi and Coke gimmick of "freshness dating" their sodas? Is that a joke or what? Everyone knows that stuff has a half-life of 3,000 years! Freshness dating, my eye!

And how about this pop music group, "The Spin Doctors"? Every one of their songs sounds the same! And they're as obnoxious as the breed of political hacks they took their name from!

The opinions expressed in this newsletter are not necessarily those of the newsletter, its staff, or even the person stating the opinion.

Dog show judge spitting on one of Lucy's dogs

Airplane Crashes Into White House!

Did you hear about this? What a story! From what we've been able to gather, several weeks ago a small airplane flew over the White House, then over The mall, then turned around and aimed right at the White House. As it cruised toward the White House, witnesses heard no plane noise because the pilot had shut his engine off. (It's fairly obvious he was attempting a kamikaze dive on the White House.)

What is slightly strange is that an explosion was heard just before the plane crashed, but there was no fire after it hit the ground. It's also been reported that White House security guards have shoulder-mounted missile launchers available for their use. [Which is no big deal, really. Our reporters have those.] We figure the security guards blasted the plane out of the sky with one of their missile launchers. Of course, the White House would never admit to that. They're quoted, in fact, as saying that they did not fire upon the airplane. We don't believe it. And isn't it curious that the president and his family just "happened to be" staying across the street because of "construction work being done" in the White House?

Gee whiz, you think maybe somebody was trying to kill the president? We say yes. You be the judge!

Broken Promise, A Family Saga

(Excerpted from an extensive and exhaustive interview between Doug and this reporter, who shall remain anonymous for the sake of anonymity.) In the previous episode, Doug and this reporter were discussing their joint heritage:

"Well, actually ..." Doug was saying.

"What?" this reporter asked.

"No. Nothing. I promised."

"You promised what?"

"I promised never to tell. Everyone did."

"Everyone who? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, you might as well know," Doug finally gave in. "You're old enough now to know the truth. A little emotionally unstable maybe, but still ..."

"And what truth is that?"

"You were adopted."

"Hyaa, right!" [Hyaa (huh-yaa) adv., as in "ha" and "yeah" combined. The sarcastic or unbelieving version of "yeah."]

"No, it's true," Doug replied. "It's a long story, but ... well, here goes. When Dad and Mom lived in New York, they met and befriended this band of gypsies. Gypsies were pretty common back then in upstate New York. Anyway, Dad and Mom fed these gypsies during the winter and let them sleep out on the back porch.

"Things were fine for a while. But eventually Dad just got sick of those gypsies hanging around all the time. You know, playing those weird musical instruments all gypsies have; singing those irritating songs all gypsies sing. You know how gypsies are.

"So, anyway, Dad put in a request with his boss to be transferred to the firm's branch office in Brazil. Of course, they didn't have a branch office in Brazil, but his boss said okay anyway and Dad, Mom and the two kids moved to Brazil. The whole thing was just an excuse to get away from those damned gypsies!

"It worked, too, until Dad moved the family back to the States a few years later. He thought he was being smart by moving to California this time so there would still be three thousand miles between him and the gypsies. But, well, you know how gypsies are. They have their little network of spies, and it wasn't long before they found the family again.

"By the time they found us, though, there were six kids, with me being the last legitimate one, of course. It was about a year and a half after that, with the gypsies hanging around that whole time, that they, the gypsies, suddenly just disappeared. Gone. Poof. Never to be seen again. But then, who could blame them after what they did just before disappearing?"

"What did they do?" this reporter asked, hanging on every word.

Doug snickered. "They left behind a little 'memento.'"

"A memento? What's so terrible about leaving a memento ..." this reporter paused as the realization hit him. "That 'memento' was ..."

"You!" Doug finished the sentence.

This reporter sat there a moment in disbelief.

"That's right, buddy boy," Doug started to gloat. "On the morning of November 2, 1960, Dad almost stepped on you on his way out of the house for work. You were on the front porch, all swaddled up in Indian blankets, turning blue from the cold, the same color you're turning now, actually ..."

"Wait! That can't be right!" this reporter protested. "I was born November first, not the second! You've got it all wrong! And 'Indian blankets'? I thought you said they were gypsies. What are they doing with Indian blankets?"

"Hey, it was California. Indian blankets are a dime a dozen. And as to the date," Doug continued, "well, yes, you were born on November 1. It's just that Dad didn't find you until the next morning."

"Which would've been the 2nd. Point well taken."

"Those rotten gypsies had left you on the porch all night. You're lucky you didn't die!"

This reporter then struck a thoughtful pose and said, "So I'm adopted, huh?"

"Well, not really adopted, actually. Not officially, anyway."

"But I have a social security number."

"Pfft," Doug scoffed. "Those too, my friend, are a dime a dozen. Didn't you watch '60 minutes' a few weeks ago. They had a story about false papers ..."

"I've got to find out who my real parents are."

"Why?" Doug asked. "They were just a bunch of gypsies. They probably don't even know who's responsible."

"But, I've got to know! I've just got to know!"

Stay tuned for the next installment of: Broken Promise, A Family Saga (This Reporter's Desperate Search)

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 7

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

---

Yee-Haw

The only newsletter we do!

Vol. 6, No. 7, December 29, 1994

Belinda Has Puppies!

Another one of Lucy's dogs has gone and had a litter of pups. This time the mother is Belinda, a Rottweiler, and she gave birth to a litter of ten, nine of which were boys. This is Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels' seventh, or "G" litter.

Pursuant to contractual agreement, we are obligated to come up with names for the little mutts. Also pursuant to the agreement, Lucy will not use any of our suggestions.

Here they are, anyway: Greasy Grimy Kid's Stuff, Gas Pump Jockey, Go Figure, Growling Gremlin on Acid, Grassy Knoll, Greaseballs Afire, Gratuitous Sex, Gidget Goes Canine, Gary, and Going Postal.

"Going postal" is a term coined by a friend of the editor [I thought at the time], and refers to disgruntled employees going berserk and showing up for work with a machine gun.

Bill Goes Dancing

Showing blatant signs of insanity, but not quite to point of "postal," Bill has taken up country line dancing. Yes, that's right. Bill, ultra-cool dude (or so he thinks), has completely lost it and is now doing the Boot Scootin' Boogie and Texas Two Step, and a few other dances neither he nor anyone else can figure out.

He wears cowboy boots, jeans and a stupid western shirt now whenever he goes to places like Denim & Diamonds or the Wild Horse Saloon in his adopted home town of Nashville. He's embarrassing the entire newsletter staff, more than usual. Next thing you know, he'll be wearing a cowboy hat.

"I'm still looking for just the right hat," he explained. "A proper line dancing outfit is not something to be taken lightly."

Michael Moves

Trying desperately to make up for lost time and catch up with his uncle Bill in the ongoing family "habitat-hopping contest," Michael has moved again. [Just 37 more moves, and he'll catch up with Bill.] This latest move has brought Michael and his girlfriend, Evelyn, to the big city of Modesto, CA.

"It's an older house downtown," says Michael, "with tall ceilings and cute furniture. Evelyn's an art major, so she's in charge of the interior decorating."

Modesto, as you may know, is the boyhood home of film-maker George (Star Wars) Lucas and served as a backdrop of the early Lucas film, American Graffiti.

Commenting on the Lucas connection, Michael said, "Hey, if George Lucas started here, why can't I?" Michael and Evelyn's new address and phone number are: Modesto, CA 95354, (209) ???????.

Horse Stuck in Ditch!

One of Jeannie's boarding horses, a mare named Zanna, got stuck in a ditch for 44 hours recently and lived to tell about it! Well, not actually tell about it, but she did survive.

It seems Jeannie's daughter, Tiffany, and her friend Joan were out riding when Joan's horse, Zanna, was spooked by a cow coming out of the bushes. We all know how scary cows coming out of the bushes can be!

Anyway, Zanna spooked and lost her rider. She then freaked and tried to run home. The problem was that Zanna had never been that far from home before and was surprised when she came upon an especially wide ditch. She tried to jump it, but failed. And then, for the next 44 hours, she wallowed in the mire until one of Jeannie friends, with the aid of his 4x4 truck, pulled her out.

Stay tuned to the t.v. show, "Emergency 911," for a complete video account of the entire ordeal!

Birthdays, etc.

Monica
Renée
Jeannie
Rick
Michael

New subscriber (whether they like it or not)

Special Mention

John's mother, Tina Brouns, had a stroke on December 16. She seems to be doing okay, but we certainly wish her our best. Take care, Mrs. Brouns!

Predictions for 1995

Well, Christmas has come and gone. And we hope you had a good one. We hope Santa was good to you. Christmas is great for big dinners and family & friends gatherings, isn't it? But now it's time to look forward to the New Year! And in that spirit, we're making our predictions for 1995 here:

• California will sink into the ocean ... again.
• Western Civilization as we know it will collapse ... again.
• Bill and Hillary Clinton will be impeached and imprisoned. Unfortunately, some equally sleazy politician and/or couple will take their place ... again.
• will become a published author and make a million dollars ... again.

---

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

by Lionel Holmes

After 6,620 lead-footed miles on the road, Eleanor and I returned Friday, October 21 from our 2½ week cross-country trip from Sacramento to Washington D.C. and back; fighting sandstorms, snakes and tarantulas across the Arizona desert; scumbag lobbyists and legislators in the nation's capital; blizzards and savage Indians across the Great Plains; and quicksand and coin-eating slot machines in Nevada.

None of which is true, of course, except the 6,620 miles and 2½ weeks. In fact, the only excitement on the whole trip was losing Don in a Mexican restaurant in Nashville. And there was a near-miss with a truck-and-trailer on US60 in Kentucky.

Because of snowstorms over the Sierras and Rockies on departure day, Oct. 4, we headed south on I-5 south to Barstow and east via Flagstaff, AZ; most of the time driving on US40 through New Mexico, the Texas Panhandle, Oklahoma, Arkansas to Tennessee. Gorgeous scenic travel on the freeways through the latter three states, and great weather all the way.

Got lost in Nashville. Nobody had heard of Ferndale Avenue, Don and Diane's street, much less Don, Diane or Bill. Pulled off into a rough-looking neighborhood to phone Don for directions, and managed to find their house nestled among million-dollar mansions in a fancy area of the city.

Bill joined us there, and while Diane visited the doctor, Don and Bill toured us through Nashville, which surprised us by its beauty. Truly an attractive city. You think Sacramento is a city of trees? You should see Nashville. In the plush areas the homes are set back from the street by an acre of lawn, and no fences anywhere to mark the property lines.

About losing Don in the Mexican restaurant: It was in downtown Nashville, the sidewalks teeming with a Saturday night crowd making the rounds of the bars and bistros. The crowds, not us. We had parked a couple of blocks away, and after dinner Bill and I went to get the car to pick up the others in front of the restaurant. When the car arrived, Eleanor and Diane were at the corner, but no Don. Bill went looking for Don, then I went looking for Bill and Don. It seems Diane thought Don went with Bill and me; Don thought Diane had gone to the corner for ice cream. Bill looked in the restaurant restroom, where Diane thought maybe Don had been mugged. I found Don and Bill in front of the restaurant waiting for the car to come from around the block, only the car had come around a different block.

Anyway, it was a nice two-day visit in Nashville. We toured Diane's chiropractic setup in their house, including the basement where Don installed the x-ray machine; heard Don's latest song, which will be part of a demo tape he's preparing; met Diane's three cats, including the one that goes into hiding when visitors appear [Bart]; and visited Bill's apartment, which was near our motel.

On we went to Washington via the beautiful Great Smoky Mountain and Blue Ridge Mountain Parkways in eastern Tennessee. In quaint Pigeon Forge, we stopped to take a picture of the Rainbow Jamboree Theater of Ava Barber and Dick Dale, who were regulars on the Lawrence Welk Show. Pigeon Forge was as fascinating as its name, and wish we could have seen more of it than possible on a drive-through. All of the business establishments had elaborate Halloween pumpkin-and-scarecrow displays.

In the Washington D.C. area, we stayed in Arlington. We met Charlie Ericksen at his Hispanic Link office, and because it's impossible to find parking space in Washington, had him keep our car after he dropped us off at the Smithsonian to do the tourist bit. Somewhat disappointing compared with our two previous visits; guess we're getting jaded in our old age. Charlie was to pick us up at the Smithsonian at 6:15PM, not knowing that the place closed at 4:30. We waited outside, but began to get a bit nervous with no Charlie at 6:15, and darkness slowly approaching. He showed up finally at 6:30 with wife Tana, and we went to dinner somewhere in Washington, driving around and around trying to find some place that had parking. We finally made it. After taking them home, we got momentarily lost trying to find our way to Arlington in the dark.

Next day I had an appointment to see a lady at the Library of Congress who was interested in obtaining a complete collection of my O Progresso newsletter. We had been invited to be her guest at a reception for the Prime Minister of Portugal, but that would have meant another night's motel bill, so we begged off. [You see one Prime Minister, you've seen 'em all.] Would like to have toured the Library with her, but she was busy with other dignitaries from Portugal.

So off we went toward California, via the beautiful Bluegrass and Western Kentucky Parkways. Somewhere on US60 past Paducah is where we had the near-miss with the truck-and-trailer rig. In seeking to avoid a disabled van at the side of the road, big-rig swerved over into our lane. From Eleanor's perspective in the passenger seat, it seemed like he came within 2 inches of us. But actually it was 2½ inches.

Our next destination was Branson, Missouri, where all the has-been country-western stars have huge theaters, attracting countless busloads of tourists even older than we are. We reached Branson on a Saturday, booked our room, then made a phone reservation for the Lawrence Welk Theater. The show was to start at 8:00PM, and although we left the motel at 6:30 we barely made it in time, traffic being bumper-to-bumper and stop-and-go for all of the only five miles traveled. Saw some of the old Lawrence Welk regulars like the Lennon Sisters, Tom Netherton, Ken Delo, dancers Bobby Burgess and Elaine Baldwin, and tap dancer Arthur Duncan (still nimble in his sixties).

Many of the shows were closed on Sunday, but we did manage to take in Mel Tillis, which was okay. Trouble with all of the shows is that the close-up seats are reserved for the tour groups, and the individuals like us have to sit back where you can barely see the stage. Same with the restaurants. They reserve the window seats for the tour groups.

Leaving Branson, we stopped in Springfield to give the car a tune-up, and found we needed more than that. When we left the Montgomery Ward auto service shop we had new front wheel brakes and new water and fuel pumps. The car work required an overnight stay in Springfield, at the Hampton Inn, best motel on our trip. That's when the good weather ended. We walked back to Wards in the rain to pick up the car, and for the rest of the way across Missouri it rained, sometimes so hard we could barely see the road. By the time we reached Oklahoma it cleared up, but we had lost our scenery, something the Oklahoma panhandle is short of.

We had picked up the scenery again: spectacular snow-covered mountains in southern Colorado, and unusual eroded shapes of red-rock mesas in Utah. Nothing scenic about Nevada, so at a 70-mph clip we sped on Friday, Oct. 21, via Ely and Fallon to South Tahoe, where we stopped for lunch and lubricated the slot machines with nickels and quarters for an hour or so before heading on to Sacramento and home, of which there is no place like. We picked up our accumulated mail at the post office, had dinner, then slept the night away.

Overall, an enjoyable 17-day trip, averaging 500 miles a day. And costing an average of $117 a day, including food, lodging, gasoline, shows and incidentals. But we won't do that again soon.

A Day at the Races

by

The first Saturday in May. What does this date mean to you? Probably nothing, except that Spring has finally arrived, unless you live in California where it's been Spring already for two months.

But ask any horse racing buff, and he or she will tell you, without hesitation, the first Saturday in May is the day of the Kentucky Derby! Well, this story isn't about the Kentucky Derby or the first Saturday in May. So settle down. This is about the Breeder's Cup and the first Saturday in November.

It was on this day that I ventured north from Nashville to Louisville, Kentucky, and Churchill Downs; about an hour and half drive. I had never been to Churchill Downs before, so I followed the map, always a good idea, anyway, and I found the place with no problem.

I'm sorry. Did I say "the place"? I meant to say The Place. You know, the site of the Kentucky Derby since 1875? Twin spires? The first race of the Triple Crown? The Mecca of Horse Racing?

All right. Enough of the melodrama. Fact is, it was just plain cool to be there.

I prowled the neighborhood, looking for a parking lot, but there didn't seem to be one. So, I ended up paying $10 to park on some guy's front lawn. The price was high, but it seemed to be the going rate. At least it was just a few yards from the track entrance.

When I got to the gate, they wanted $15. Fifteen dollars just to get in! I said to the gatekeeper, "I just want to get into the infield, not the Clubhouse or anything!" He shrugged and said it was $15 no matter what entrance I took. So I forked over the $15.

As I started downward into the tunnel that takes you under the track and into the infield, a female voice from behind said, "A little steep isn't it?"

I turned and looked at her as if she was an idiot. It was a slight downgrade, not steep at all. "Huh?" I said.

"Fifteen bucks just to get in," she said. "It's a little steep." And she smiled.

She looked to be somewhere in her mid to late twenties. Thick, long light-brown hair. A little overweight, though it was hard tell with the raincoat and baggy pants she wore. She was fairly pretty, and she seemed to be alone.

"Oh, yeah," I agreed. "Let's just hope we can win it back at the windows."

"Got any hot tips?" she asked.

"Not really," I shook my head. "You?"

"'Fraid not," she pouted.

If I had any hot tips, I wouldn't have shared them with her, anyway. What good is a hot tip if you go around telling everyone about it? Her boyfriend then came trotting up from behind and, with a quick glower in my direction, whisked her away from me.

"Good luck," she said over her shoulder as her boyfriend tugged at her to hurry up.

I stopped at the first booth in the infield and bought a program. It cost $2.50, and I suddenly realized I was already down $27.50 and I hadn't yet placed a bet! Oh well, that's the price of entertainment. That's what I told myself, anyway.

In case you don't know, the Breeder's Cup consists of seven races. It's basically the end-of-the-year championship day of thoroughbred horse racing, and it attracts the best horses from all over the world. They offer gobs of money, and that tends to entice the best horses racing has to offer.

Each race has a minimum "purse" of $1 million. The Breeder's Cup Turf race offers $2 million, and the Classic offers $3 million. The winner doesn't get all that. They "only" get 60%, with the rest divvied up amongst the next four finishers.

Anyway, on the first race, the Sprint, I put a few bucks down on some horse whose name doesn't really matter. Ten minutes later, I was tearing up my losing ticket. I skipped the next race, the Juvenile Fillies race, since I'd never heard of any of the horses entered.

The third race was The Mile, and since I had skipped the previous race, I put a little extra on this one. By the end of the race, I was tearing up a couple more losing tickets. It was not a good beginning. And it's important to get off to a good start in gambling, otherwise you quickly degenerate into desperation. And, as any degenerate, desperate bettor can tell you, desperation is not a good thing.

Following The Mile, came the Distaff, a race strictly for fillies and mares. Again, I lost. [This is getting repetitive, isn't it?] After the Distaff was the Juvenile (for 2-year-old colts and geldings). The crowd's betting favorite, the only horse I'd ever heard of, but whose name escapes me now, had odds of 3-5 or something. I figured he'd win, but at 3-5 odds it wasn't worth it. So I bet on some other horse based on his name and the jockey. I lost again.

By this time, I had lost $60 of my personally-allotted $100 for the day, not counting the above-mentioned initial expenses, and I was getting annoyed. I was paying $4 per beer, Miller Lite, which I generally can't stand, and $4 for a crappy little cheeseburger that even McDonald's would be ashamed of. It was time to get down to business.

It was then that I ran into that girl from the tunnel. She was standing about twenty yards from one of the betting windows, watching the replay of the previous race on the big-screen t.v.

"Got any hot tips?" I asked as I approached her.

"Oh, hi," she said as if surprised to see me, though I knew she wasn't. I had seen her glancing in my direction, and that's why I felt comfortable in approaching her. "Well, my boyfriend says Lure is a sure thing," she offered.

"Lure, huh?" I said. "Yeah, he's won it the past two years." I didn't think much of Lure's chances this year, but I figured I would let her boyfriend blow his money on him.

Her boyfriend showed up a few seconds later. And, again, he glowered at me before pulling the girl along after him. I hadn't noticed it the first time I saw him, but this time I saw the words "DAIWA" stenciled into the front of his black baseball cap. Daiwa is a major manufacturer of fishing reels, which explained why he was so "hot" on Lure.

The girl smiled at me over her shoulder, but said nothing as her boyfriend dragged her off. Like a caveman, it seemed to me. I shrugged my shoulders. Some women like cavemen.

Flattered and inspired by this girl's flirtations, I decided to do something bold. No, it didn't involve her. What I decided was to just blow the rest of my bankroll on the next race, the Breeder's Cup Turf, and then simply watch the following and final race as a pure, non-betting fan of the Sport of Kings, i.e., a destitute bum hanging out at the track. Women do tend to inspire me to do stupid things.

There were several quality horses in this race; the above-mentioned Lure amongst them. But they were all quality horses. These were the best horses in the world on grass. The betting favorite, a horse named Missionary Ridge, was giving odds of even money. I didn't like his name or his odds, but he seemed like a pretty sure bet, and I was sick of losing. So, I figured, why not bet on him? At least I'll get my money back and have the satisfaction of betting on at least one winner for the day. I put $20 to win on him.

With the remaining $20 of my "bankroll" I played a couple of hunches. That girl's boyfriend was betting on Lure at least in part because he liked fishing. Well, I like hockey. And also entered in this race was a horse named Tikkanen, presumably named after the hockey star, Esse Tikkanen. He appeared to be a good horse, on paper anyway. His last race was a win in a major grass stakes race. And he was giving 16-1 odds. Never again would I get such good odds on such a good horse, so I put $10 on his nose. The other $10, I put on some foreign horse who had won the Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe, France's biggest race, earlier in the year.

Well, guess what? My hunch bet, Tikkanen, won and I collected $160! With one bet, I had just paid for all prior expenses and lost bets, and then some. I was jazzed, but I was careful not to show it. There are people who hang out at racetracks looking for big winners to mug in the bathroom or parking lot. A hundred and sixty bucks is not exactly "big money," but they (these imaginary muggers) didn't know I had only bet $10. For all they knew, I'd bet $1,000 and would be collecting $16,000. You can never be too careful when they are watching. I sort of hoped I would run into that girl again, just so I could gloat and make her boyfriend look stupid. But I didn't see her.

For the seventh and final race, the Breeder's Cup Classic, I decided to follow the same thinking I had followed on the previous race. I put $20 to win on my "intellectually-calculated best bet." And then, on another hunch, I put $5 to win on a horse called Concern. I don't know what it was about this horse Concern that told me to bet on him. His name just sort of stuck out in my mind for some reason.

And yes, you guessed it. Concern won and paid $40! I was a happy camper all of a sudden. Again, I looked around for that girl, but she was nowhere to be seen. She was probably huddled with her boyfriend somewhere commiserating over their losses.

As I drove home to Nashville, I stopped for gas at a Chevron station somewhere in Kentucky. In Kentucky they have Lotto and Power Ball. Feeling lucky, I spent $5 on a "quick-pick" Power Ball ticket. The jackpot at the time was $10 million. Small by Lotto standards, but still, I could always use $10 million.

And, guess what? I didn't win. Oh well. At least I was still $150 ahead of the game, all told. Plus, I had fun, and had spent a day at Churchill Downs, the Mecca of horse racing.

I wonder whatever happened to that girl.

---

Murder? Or Just An Honest Mistake?

by

The following story is rated PG. You figure it out.

Madison Ripley Smith was sitting at his desk with his feet propped up when she walked in. Long legs, hourglass shape, luxurious jet-black hair, and matching jet-black eyes.

"What's with the black eyes," Smith asked.

"Oh! Is my mascara running again?" And she dabbed at the black splotches.

Then the phone rang. After the third ring, Smith shouted, "Where's that damned receptionist?!"

"There was no receptionist when I walked in," the long-legged woman said.

"That would explain why you just walked in unannounced, then."

"Yes, that would explain it."

Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing.

"Aren't you going to answer it?" the black-eyed woman asked.

"No," Smith said bitterly. "That's why I hired a receptionist. I guess now I'll have to fire her. Too bad, too. I was starting to like, uh, what's-her-name. Wanna be my new receptionist?"

"No," she said. "I want to be your new client."

"Client?"

"Yes, client. You know, I give you money, tell you what I need, and you go out and do it?" she spoke slowly and deliberately. "A client."

"I know what a client is, lady. What's your husband's name?"

"What does that matter?"

"Let's just say I like to know who I'm getting mixed up with."

"My name is Amalia Maria Rodriguez Sanchez Delgado, wife of Juan Carlos Julia Delgado," she answered proudly. "And I have a problem."

"I guess so," Smith replied. "With a name like that, it must take forever to sign your name."

She ignored the comment. "I have a case that needs to be solved."

"A case?"

"Yes, a case. You know ..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Smith snapped.

"Well?" she asked. "Do you want the case, or not?"

"Sure, I want the case."

Of course I want the case, he thought. I need the money. Besides, I wouldn't mind seeing this woman's face on a regular basis. Women and money have been pretty scarce lately.

"What are you thinking?" Mrs. Delgado asked, not liking the looks flashing across Smith's face.

"What kind of case is it?" he growled, playing the part of the tough-as-nails private dick.

"My husband's been murdered."

"Murdered?!" Smith was worried now. He tried to stay away from murder cases. "Why don't you go to the police?"

"I did," she said. "They think it was suicide, but I don't believe them. It was murder."

"What makes you say that?"

"He was shot through the heart with a bow and arrow."

"That is suspicious," he agreed.

"And I won't be satisfied," she continued, "until you find the woman who killed my husband."

"Woman? How do you know it was a woman?"

Amalia Maria Rodriguez Sanchez Delgado looked Madison Ripley Smith in the eye and nodded sagely. "A woman knows these things. So, will you take the case?"

"Yeah, I'll take it," he tried to sound reluctant. "My rate is $200 a day, plus expenses."

Mrs. Delgado tossed a stack of bills onto his desk. Smith counted it.

"Thirteen dollars?" he asked.

"Oh, sorry," she said, "wrong stack."

She plopped down another stack of bills. Again, Smith counted it. This stack was nothing but 50's and 100's.

"Nine hundred," he said, again trying to sound casual, even though he could not recall the last time he held that much money in his hand. "This'll do ... for now."

With a triumphant pout, if that's possible, Mrs. Delgado nodded and sashayed her way out the door. Smith's eyes escorted her out.

Later that day, as Smith was looking for clues at the bottom of his desk drawer, he got a call. He was forced to answer it himself since his receptionist still hadn't shown up. It was a wrong number. The caller mumbled "Rosebud" into the phone before Smith slammed it down in disgust. He wished his receptionist would come back. He didn't have time to be talking to every whacko who called.

His thoughts then wandered to Mrs. Delgado. What kind of a man had Mr. Delgado been? And why did Mrs. Delgado kill him?

"Why did you say that?" he asked himself aloud. There was no one else in the room, and he could think more clearly aloud.

"She's the grieving widow, remember?" he answered himself.

"Is she?"

"Of course she is. After all, she's the one who hired you to find his murderer."

"Is she?"

"Oh, shut up."

It was then that he realized he was Cracking up. Not only was he talking to himself, he was having complete conversations.

Several hours later, the phone rang again. It was Mrs. Delgado. She wanted to know how the murder investigation was coming along.

"I'm laying the ground work now," Smith said as he rolled a semi-hard gob of rubber cement along the top of his desk until it formed into neat little ball. "Don't expect too much for another few days," he warned. "These things take time."

When Mrs. Delgado hung up, Smith picked up the sticky rubber-cement ball and threw it against the wall. It stuck.

"Who am I fooling?" he asked himself. "I don't have the slightest idea how to handle a case like this."

The only reason he had taken it was because Mrs. Delgado was so damned beautiful. He was such a sap. He would have sucked his thumb and walked like a monkey if she told him to. He knew that. She knew that. And he hated himself for it.

"God, you're stupid!" he scolded himself. "Never fall in love with a client! You only get what you deserve!"

Forcing his face into an expression of hard-bitten nonchalance, a look he'd picked up from Robert Mitchum movies and practiced for hours in front of the mirror, Smith grabbed his jacket and left the office.

Walking down the street, he kept the hard-bitten nonchalant look on his face. Robert Mitchum would have been proud. His father would have been proud, too; assuming he had a father. Well, of course, he had a father. Everybody had a father. It was just that Smith had yet to find any proof that he did. He knew he wouldn't rest until he found that proof. But that was another case. Right now, he had this Delgado thing to figure out.

He strolled down the street, Mrs. Delgado ever-present on his mind. An image of her on a brass bed with her wrists tied to the headboard was the most compelling image. But that would have to wait. Right now he had to find her husband's murderer.

As he walked down the street, he realized it might be better to use the sidewalk. On the sidewalk, he tripped over a small dog, sending it yelping off into the distance. It brought a smile to his face. That dog looked a lot like the one he used to trip over as a kid.

But he steeled himself against such sentimental thoughts and concentrated on Mrs. Delgado. A couple of blocks down the street he realized he would probably reach her house more quickly if he drove. So, he turned around and headed back to his car.

Turning the key, the engine roared to life before settling to a smooth purr. After all these years, it still ran like a dream. "Good old American know-how," he said as he patted the steering wheel.

He pulled out into the street in the wrong direction. Without checking for traffic, he made a U-turn. The unsuspecting driver of the car behind him swerved and crashed into a telephone pole. The phone lines snapped and the pole collapsed into the street, barely missing Smith's car. Smith was oblivious.

When he arrived at the gated Delgado Estate, Smith was surprised to find Mrs. Delgado at the front gate waiting for him. Wearing only a nightgown, she stood clutching the iron bars from inside the property. She reminded him of a scene from one of his favorite movies, "Biker Chicks Behind Bars," except that Mrs. Delgado didn't have as many tattoos.

"Hello Señor Smith," she replied provocatively. Everything she did was provocative.

"Hello, Mrs. Delgado," Smith replied. "What are you doing out here in your underwear?"

"It's a nightgown. And I'm waiting for you, Señor Smith."

"Well, how did you know I'd be showing up?"

She smiled just a hint of a smile. "A woman knows these things, Señor Smith." And she did that knowing nod again. "May I call you Madison, or perhaps, Ripley?"

"Call me anything you want, Mrs. Delgado."

"Please, call me 'honey," she purred.

"... uh, yeah, okay ... honey ... my friends call me M.R."

"Ooh, initials! I like that in a man. It makes you sound very important, eh, M.R.?"

"Sure, I guess so, Mrs... uh, honey. Are you sure you want me to call you 'honey'?"

"Yes, please. My husband used to call me that."

"I'm sure he did," he said, thinking to himself, I wonder if I get to do anything else your husband did.

"Honey" Delgado opened the gate with the push of a button and slid into the car seat beside Smith. It was a short ride up to the house. As they approached the top of the circular driveway and the valet awaiting their arrival, Mrs. Delgado stuffed her hand into Smith's pants pocket.

On reflex, Smith's foot slammed down on the accelerator. The valet scattered out of the way, and Smith and Honey circled the driveway at top speed until finally coming to a screeching stop at the now-closed front gate.

Panic-stricken and breathing heavily, Smith panted, "I really wish you wouldn't do that, Mrs. Delgado... Not while I'm driving, anyway."

Mrs. Delgado let out a throaty laugh. "I like you, Señor M.R."

"I like you, too, Mrs. Delgado. But you could have caused an accident."

"Oh? Do you have a problem with that?" And she squeezed him to let him know what she meant.

"Huh?" Smith looked at her stupidly. "Oh, no, no. Nothing like that."

It took Smith a moment to regain his composure. Once he did, with Mrs. Delgado's hand still in his pocket, he put his arm around her and moved to kiss her.

She slapped him away. "I'm not that kind of woman, Señor M.R." And she pulled her hand out of his pocket.

[To be continued (just as soon as I can figure out where to go next with this story)]

---

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 7 No 1

Vol. 1 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10 | Vol. 2 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12; 13; 14; 15 | Vol. 3 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 4 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 5 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8 | Vol. 6 - 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7 | Vol. 7 - 1 | Vol. 8 - 1

---

The Wandering Eye

Vol. 7 No. 1, March 19, 1995

[We're back! Sorry it took so long between issues, but the entire staff was frozen solid in a block of ice the past three months. We just now thawed out. You know how it is. We should have known better than to visit Antarctica in winter. We figured, hey, it's south, it must be warm. Oh well, live and learn.
For those of you waiting on pins and needles for the next installment of that story "Murder, Or Just An Honest Mistake?", you'll just have to wait a little longer. We still haven't completed the next installment. Hey, great works of art take time!
What else ... well, nothing comes to mind, so with an empty mind we begin the newsletter!]

Bill moves

We should just make this a regular column. "Bill moves." Well, of course he moves! He moves every six months! Anyway, this time he has moved to a better part of town. His address and phone number are now: 31st Ave. N., Nashville TN 37203, (615) x-x Please make a note of it. Some of you are still addressing Bill at Ferndale Avenue, which is now two moves and a year out of date!

Dog gone!

We have some bad news. Steve and Denise lost their dachshund, Frieda, on January 12. We never met the dog, but we're sorry to see her go.

A shepherd is born

This isn't a religious story.

A couple of Lucy's dogs, Credence and Etsel, bored with that old Schutzhund protection dog thing, have turned their talents to the game of sheep herding. And apparently, they're pretty good at it.

"They haven't killed any sheep yet," said Lucy. "So far, so good."

What most people don't know is that Lucy herself has killed plenty of sheep. She lures them into her yard from the almond orchard across the street, and kills them the instant they cross her property line. "Well, sheep shouldn't be in an almond orchard, anyway!" says Lucy. She's got a point.

Dog found!

Good news! Steve and Denise found their dog, Frieda. Remember, [above] we mentioned she was lost? Well, they placed an ad in the newspaper (in the time it took you to get from there to here), someone read it, and told them where to find the dog.

"The wind broke part of our fence," Steve explained, "so she went next door." And it seems that yard had a small hole leading into the next yard. It was in the second yard that they found her.

Surprise, surprise

On February 22, a surprise birthday party was thrown for Eleanor. Several of her former co-workers from 25 years ago at the Board of Equalization were invited (even though they used to call her "Mother Superior"), along with local family. A grand time was had by all. In fact, a few guests had too good of a time and had to be thrown out. But then, that's a typical Eleanor party.

Bill rides in ambulance

It's 4am, February 11, a Saturday morning. Bill is awakened by a sound at the front door.

"Where's my gun?" is his first thought. The 9mm semi-automatic pistol, unused in two years, is in the closet collecting dust.

Deciding against the gun, Bill opens the bedroom door with a jerk -- where the jerk came from we have no idea -- ready for hand-to-hand combat with whoever might be lurking about. No one is there -- not even the jerk, unless you count Bill. The sound at the door turns out to be the wind.

Suffering from "cotton mouth" due to the previous night's drinking, Bill goes to the kitchen for a glass of juice. That's when the real excitement begins.

The juice is ice-cold, like everything else in the house, and he gulps down a couple of quick glasses. As he stands in the kitchen with the empty glass in hand, his heart starts palpitating. It's done that before, but usually lasts just a second or two. This time, it just won't stop. He decides he'd better call an ambulance while he still can.

"I need an ambulance," he speaks calmly into the phone, as if ordering a pizza.

"That's a different number," the woman says gruffly. "I'll transfer you."

"Fire department," says a male voice a moment later.

"Yeah," says Bill. "I need an ambulance."

Bill doesn't wait for them to show up at his apartment. He gets dressed, puts on a jacket and cap and walks out into the freezing night. He flags the fire truck down as it pulls into the parking lot.

"I'm the one who called," he explains to the confused driver. "I'll be in here," he adds, pointing to the laundry room.

A fireman joins Bill in the laundry room. "What's the problem?" the man asks, with a look that says, "You look healthy to me."

Bill explains that his heart is doing flip-flops -- still -- and he thinks someone should check it out. The fireman sits Bill down on a bench and takes his blood pressure. A few minutes later, an ambulance arrives and Bill is whisked away to Saint Thomas Hospital, just a couple miles away. "I feel perfectly healthy," Bill explains to the female paramedic, "it's just that my heart is racing."

They wheel him into the emergency room. Bill's heart is still beating like some whacked-out jazz drummer. They shave his chest, plug electrodes into him, take his blood pressure every five minutes, and do an EKG. They stick an IV into him and give him a dose of something called Cardiozem. This seems to bring his heart back into proper rhythm. After twenty minutes, the drug wears off and his heart is dancing again, so they give him another dose. In all, four or five doses are given.

Eventually, a doctor comes in and asks Bill about his medical history. Bill tells him he doesn't have a medical history, except for when he was 17 and it was thought he might have a heart murmur. That turned out to be a false alarm, and Bill had had no problems since.

The doctor asks Bill what he was doing earlier in the night. Bill admits he had six beers and had smoked a few cigarettes. And that was it. The doctor shakes his head, and Bill says, "Really, that's it. No drugs. I don't do drugs. Of course, this past week I've been drinking 3 to 6 beers every night, and there's been a lot of stress at work."

The doctor shrugs and says, "Well, you've had what we call an atrial fibrillation; or what we sometimes call a 'holiday heart.'" He gives a smug little grin. "It's often brought on by too much drinking. It's probably nothing."

Another doctor comes in after the other's shift ends. Bill again recites his medical history and his actions leading up to his being in the emergency room. This doctor says basically the same as the first, except this one says Bill should spend the next day or two at the hospital for observation.

They give him a private upstairs room, and he spends the next several hours in bed attached to an IV and a heart monitor. Bored out of his mind, Bill calls Don and Diane. they show up around 5pm, and after Bill explains that he feels almost 100% now, Don says, "You wanna leave with us?"

"Yeah, I do, actually," Bill nods.

There is a bit of fussing and calling of nurses and doctors before Bill gets permission to leave the hospital. But, in the end they agree Bill seems to be back to normal and, yes, he can leave, on two conditions: one, that he quit drinking beer; and two, that he make a follow-up appointment with the doctor. Bill agrees, and the nurse is soon wheeling Bill out of the hospital in a wheelchair.

"I know you don't need the wheelchair," the nurse explains politely as she wheels Bill out, "but it's hospital policy."

And that's it. Anyway, Bill has now officially quit smoking (for good, this time) and has vowed to keep his drinking under control. "I'm just glad to be alive," says Bill.

Letters to the Editor

"Your newsletter is like an oyster. It's slimy and smells bad. But every once in a while it produces a pearl." -- Anonymous