Screw in a light bulb
Q: How many “Star Trek” crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, “I canna do it, Cap’n! I’m not a miracle worker!”; Spock to tell Kirk he is “proceeding illogically”; McCoy to say “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not an electrician!”; Kirk to screw it in; and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
Q: How many “baby boomers” does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten. Four to talk about how great it is that they’ve all come together to do this; one to screw it in; one to videotape it; one to stick his Cotton Dockers butt in front of the camera; one to plan a marketing strategy; one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screw-ins in the ’60s; and one to play classic rock.
Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Q. How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can’t. The Bible doesn’t say anything about light bulbs.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done, while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don’t do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then wonder why it’s still so dark.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
- I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. And finally, Words of Wisdom for the day: “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
Steven Wright Jokes …
[We hope we don’t get sued for reprinting them]
- I once worked in a factory that makes fire hydrants. It was an OK job, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
- I have a very large collection of sea shells. Maybe you’ve seen it … I keep it scattered over the beaches all over the world.
- I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You’d never know it to look at it.
- I named my dog “Stay.” Now when I call him it’s: “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.”
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because I know it will be up all night.
- When I was seven, my parents moved to Texas. When I was nine, I found them.
- I got a new apartment a while back. On the wall is this light switch that didn’t turn anything on. Everyday, I came home and flicked it on and off. Six months later, I get a letter from a lady in Belgium that says, “Cut it out.”
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- I like to pick up hitchhikers and say things like … “Sooo, how far did you think you were going anyway?” and “Put your seat belt on. I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it.”
- When I was a child we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child … eventually …