January 3, 1990
[formerly known as The Holmes Family Newsletter]
Predictions for 1990
- Elvis Presley will still be dead.
- Vice-President Quayle will be kicked out of office and reassigned as Ambassador to Libya.
- Los Angeles will secede from the Union and nobody will care.
- The Raiders will move to Sacramento, then Oakland, then back to Los Angeles.
- Don will be arrested for accessing secret military computers. He will be tried for treason and sent to Panama.
- Greg and June will buy a cow and market their own brand of yogurt.
- Doug will get lost in the wilderness for several months before finally emerging with a tale of abduction by aliens and proof of the existence of the Lost City of Atlantis. He’ll have pictures.
- Bill will be involved in a boating accident, lose his memory and, afterwards, start his own religion. He’ll call it "Myanetics: A Science of Mine."
New Year’s Resolutions
- Steve: Lose weight and beat Bill in tennis
- Denise: Find a cure for 2nd graders
- Lucy: Stop taking amphetamines
- Doug: Get a "real" job
- Jeannie: Make the roller derby all-star team
- John: Be first human to ride a motorcyle around the world
- Mike: Become Chancellor of East Germany
- Bill: Win the Pulitzer Prize for journalism
- Greg: Single-handedly remove all toxic waste
- Dad & Eleanor: Win the lottery, any lottery, just once
- Don: Start smoking again
- Diane: Eradicate the world’s lower back problems
[WARNING! Due to the delicate nature of the following interview, it may not be suitable for children.]
This week we interviewed Lucy , a mild-mannered DMV investigator from Livingston,
CA, while her friend (we’ll call him "Ken") watched in horror.
- HARD COPY: Would you put the gun down, please?
- Lucy: Oh, sorry. Bad habit. I’d like you to meet Ken.
- HARD COPY: Hi Ken. So, I hear you’re pregnant.
- Ken: What?!
- HARD COPY: I was talking to Lucy.
- Lucy: I’m not pregnant. My dog "Coyote" is.
- HARD COPY: Oh. Well, that screws up my whole interview!
- Lucy: Sorry.
- HARD COPY: So, how do you go about getting a dog pregnant?
- Lucy: Excuse me?
- HARD COPY: I mean, do you take out ads? Or do you, like, walk her up and down the
street until she meets a cute male dog from a good family, or what?
- Lucy: Oh, please!
- HARD COPY: Wait, don’t leave! We’re not finished yet. So, what are you going to
name the puppies?
- Lucy: Oh, you know, just One, Two, Three, Four, like that. Just depends on how
many puppies there are, you see.
- HARD COPY: Really? That’s amazing! I had a dog named Zero! But he ran away.
- Lucy: Somehow I’m not surprised. Look, I’ve got to go. I just remembered I have
to get all my teeth pulled out.
- HARD COPY: Well, hey, let’s do this again sometime! It’s been a real treat!
- Lucy: Yeah. I’ll call you.
Youth rides wild horse
Tiffany, 9, of Lathrop, CA, saddled up and just started
riding this wild horse that she just happened to find locked up in a corral. Several times
this bronc, which she dubbed Galaxy, reared up, did a couple flips, stood on its
head, and everything! But Tiffany never fell off. Jeannie, and visiting cousin, Aileen,
could only watch and hope for the best. "It was nothing," Tiffany said
afterwards. "I do this sort of thing all the time."
"That’s right, she does," Jeannie said, chewing on a
He’s A Big Boy Now
Andy of Santa Ana, youngest son of Greg and June, and Aileen
and Bryan’s little brother, is now officially potty-trained! Congratulations, Andy!
Certainly, all or most of our readers can remember exactly where they were when it
happened to them. In a recent nationwide poll, being potty-trained ranked right up there
with the most exciting things that can happen to a person in their lifetime. Now that he’s
a BIG BOY, Andy says he’s ready to go camping with his Uncle Doug.
MEMORABLE QUOTES FROM OVER THE YEARS
- "If it’s brown, flush it down. If it’s yellow, let it mellow." — John
- "I prefer dark meat." — Dad (circa 1986)
- "Are you going to eat that?" — Bill (yesterday)
- "I thought Sally Jesse Raphael was three people." — Mike (1989)
- "There ought to be a way of determining, before birth, whether somebody’s going to
be a lawyer." — Don (1989)
MORE ON "PLACES RATED ALMANAC"
- States With Death By Firing Squad: Idaho & Utah
- Worst Violators of Clean Air Standards (Carbon Monoxide): 1. New York City, 2.
Steubenville, OH, 3. Spokane, WA, 4. Los Angeles, 5. Albuquerque
- Average Teacher Salaries (by state): 1. Alaska, 2. Wash. D.C., 3. Connecticut, 4.
New York, 5. Calif.
- Access to Bowling Alleys (per capita): 1. Oshkosh, WI, 2. Wausau, WI, 3.
Muskegon, MI, 4. Glens Falls, NY, 5. Erie, PA
- Overall Top Five Rated Cities: 1. Seattle, 2. San Francisco, 3. Pittsburgh, 4.
Washington, D.C., 5. San Diego
The Editor’s Desk
So, how do you like the new name for the newsletter? We almost went to press under the name The Harbinger. And we came very close to calling it The Happy Hairball (seriously). But, fears of massive subscription cancellations changed our minds. So, Hard Copy it is. Happy New Year!
And keep those letters to the editor coming!
HOLMES FAMILY TRIVIA!
Hi! And welcome to Holmes Family Trivia! This week’s question is: Can you remember the phone numbers of the past Holmes Family Households? Again, that’s the phone numbers of the past Holmes Family households! Bonus points are scored if you can recite the addresses (plus zip code)! The winner wins a trip for two to each of the old households. Travel arrangements made by Holmes Family Travel.